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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friends with dh on facebook?

41 replies

muminthesun · 04/03/2011 17:52

I have never been into facebook etc,but have been in process of setting up account.

Starting to add friends and sent a friend request to dh.He has been on it for a while and has quite alot of friends on it,both old and new,some business related and from school.

The thing is he wont accept me as a friend?

Have asked him why not.He says in a joking way Im just nosy and want to keep tabs on him and that I'll just ask who cetain females are etc.

This is probably true as I do have a slight jealous streak!

It has just made me feel a bit upset,would you be?

OP posts:

purplepidjin · 04/03/2011 18:26

Definitely weird. DP and I are on each others FB, and he volunteered the info as to how he knew everyone - as did I. A fair few are friends with us both now, we are a couple and socially come as a unit. We also have our seperate friends, like old school and work acquaintances, but the important people are mutual

CheerfulMe · 04/03/2011 18:28

Every married person I know on FB is also listed as married to whoever they are married to. So, yes it is odd.

The things is, either he's being secretive for an awful reason or you do have an issue with jealousy and he's tired of it. However, if the latter was the case, surely his being relaxed, open and transparent would be the best way to reassure you? I'm not keen on people pandering to others' paranoia and jealousy as it can make it worse because the jealous person starts to feel entitled to interrogate their partner and it can become controlling and unhealthy.
But.. there's pandering and there's simply being open and 'nothing to hide' kinda thing, you know? If he has nothing to hide, why is he acting as though he does? Does he WANT to make you jealous, get some kind of daft satisfaction from knowing you are?
Just a thought. In any case, I think you need to have a chat.

eviscerateyourmemory · 04/03/2011 18:32

I think that is very strange. What would he let all of his other friends see that you cant?

Original poster

muminthesun · 04/03/2011 19:03

I think He just doesnt want me asking who'S she,how do you know her,is she an old girlfriend, type of thing as it can lead to petty arguments,which I know I would ask.

OP posts:

Original poster

muminthesun · 04/03/2011 19:05

He can never understand why i want to know details about ex girlfriends,But if we are in a social setting i like to know.

OP posts:

bluedomino · 04/03/2011 22:08

Just as I set up a facebook account, my DP decided to close his, his reason being he was getting too many spam type things. He is very secretive, and says I make him paranoid when I ask who hes texting etc. Hes a bit of a looker, a shop assistant virtually swooned at his feet the other day. He is not the least bit jealous of me, sometimes I think hes ashamed of me, won't go out with me in public, says its because he hates pubs/restaurants. Things don't look good do they, sorry had to get it off my chest.

worraliberty · 04/03/2011 22:11

My husband doesn't have a FB account, just adds a few friends to mine and then forgets to contact them, but if he did have one I would be very suspicious if he refused to add me.

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 22:18

to be fair, if he knows you are irrationally jealous, and likely to show yourself up a bit by posting silly comments on his wall, or even just give him grief when he gets home, I can understand why he has done it...

I have my husband as a friend and listed as my husband, but neither of us give each other any grief if someone of the opposite sex has any interaction on FB with one of us, even if we dont know them, having said that, there has been nothing posted that would give me any cause to be suspicious anyway.

Longtalljosie · 05/03/2011 08:01

He can never understand why i want to know details about ex girlfriends,But if we are in a social setting i like to know.

Well, of course you do! That's not irrational jealousy, that's just you knowing as much as she and your ex do, and not being kept in the dark!

Longtalljosie · 05/03/2011 08:01

she and your husband, I should say. Not quite awake yet, correcting myself all over the place...

Original poster

muminthesun · 05/03/2011 09:27

His attitude is always,why is it important? If it wasn't a serious relationship and it was years and years ago why do I need all the details.

But saying this I have been known to ask after a few drinks if we have all been out,if he finds them still attractive

I suppose it is just insecurity on my part.

He Is older than me,has had alot of brief relationships, but ours is the most serious relationship he has had,been together ten years.

I think the problem has got worse now we have small children,we get invited to alot of work events,but sometimes babysitters are a problem so he goes on his own.

He has a very busy social life,so did I, but it just seems that my world has shrunk somewhat socially,due to me not working anymore etc.

Maybe I just need to get a life and get out more!

He is always supportive of me donig my own thing,He thinks I should take up more hobbies etc while he looks after the kids.

We are also very different.He is very sociable/extrovert will go into a room where he knows noone and talk to any one.I love this about him.

I am quiet and find it difficult if I dont know anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

muminthesun · 05/03/2011 09:32

I'm also nearly 4 mths pregnant so this could be adding to my feelings of insecurity?,I remember feeling like this with my first pregnancy.

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squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 09:35

Really though, so what if he does find them attractive. We can find other people attractive, even exes, but it doesnt mean we want to run off into the sunset with them.

He has been with you for ten years. He sounds very supportive, and he is right, you do need a life of your own too. Take him up on the offer, find something you want to do, and let him take his turn with the kids.

Once you widen your circle of friends, you will hopefully find more people who you can ask to babysit, and you can get out together more as a couple.

notthewowy · 05/03/2011 09:42

Nope, I actually don't see a problem with it. It's just Facebook you know. I didn't add my DH for a long time, why would I? I know where he is, I can actually interact with him in real time too. When I did it was kind of on a whim. having said that I trust him and he trusts me so you know...

boxingHelena · 05/03/2011 10:51

if he has been on it for a while and you never shown any interested he may feel like you are doing it to intrude. Could it be just that?

boxingHelena · 05/03/2011 10:51

interest (sorry)

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