please explain 'lifestyle vulnerabilities'

[horriblefeelingofdejavu]

I last posted a few weeks ago about waking up with that dreadful feeling that something is wrong. I had lots of helpful advice and have been trying to make sense of why I have suddenly started to get these feelings again. I have also talked to H who to be fair has responded very positively, by coming home at the weekend and putting his phone on the table, leaving it on, by tellilng me lots more about his days at work and by asking more about mine, by telling me he loves me, and understands how I am feeling - just nice things. He has said and done everything right and no alarm bells. However, I still cannot ignore my instincts so have been checking bank statements, phone bills, checking his phone,and trying to be more aware of his behaviour. In the back of my mind I think, well yes of course he would say all those things, what else could he say except you are right I am shagging XXX, etc.
To cut long story short, I am also trying to look at ways to limit my 'exposure' so was wondering what the ;lifestyle vulnerabilities' are that people speak of. I know we have a situation that could very easily be a perfect arrangement for anyone cheating - live apart during the week, can;t meet for lunch, no surprise visits ever possible, etc etc. What action limits these vulnerabilities?
To make matters more complicated, I have met a very interesting and interested man - am I giving out 'available' signals because I dont feel safe in my own marriage???
Sorry to sound so confused, paranoid and useless ... byt if you read through this - then thanks!

Yes, you do sound paranoid. And also as if you are projecting the feeling that you could cheat onto your partner. You are the one who has met an available man, so why the suspicion of your partner?

Have you been cheated on in the past or been abused? Do you feel you don't deserve to have a happy life?

Hmmm, this sounds like projection to me. You've met someone who's piqued your interest and now you're freaking out because if you can feel that way about another man, your H can feel that way about another woman right?

Sounds like you have good communication with your H and can talk to him openly about (not necessarily your crush on another guy!) but your boundaries and deal breakers regarding fidelity. Have you had that conversation recently? Are you on the same page?

I think you are maybe feeling a bit blindsided by feelings you didn't realise you were capable of fostering and it's making you question and doubt things. I don't think that's unusual or you're weird, but you do need to really examine exactly what is making you uncomfortable - your H's behaviour and circumstances, or your own?

I have been feeling this way for quite few weeks, and yes there is a history of H having cheated 5 years ago. The man only arrived on the scene a couple of weeks ago, and I honestly think the only way he could in anyway be connected with my feelings of paranoia is that they are making me give out the wrong signals which he could have picked up on ie vulnerable, sad, need a friend?

I think I am uncomfortable right now because (see earlier post) we have started life in a new place, and there are many echoes of the situation in which I discovered H was cheating. I think those echoes are what I need to deal with. I was hoping that I could get some practical kind of advice about how to actually deal with the fact that H lives in flat during the week. What do we do to minimise the 'easiness' of 'looking for other company'? I have just realised of course that I am also living alone for the whole week!! So these vulnerabilities must apply to me too.
dont know if I am making any sense ...

If your not happy living apart then maybe you can make plans to change that? I know there is no way I could live apart from my DH I don't even like to spend the night apart tbh I chose to be with him and share my life with him and I can't imagine how hard it would be to do that if we didn't live together.

I think you sound like you have an issue with posessiveness. My advice is to explore that first, via specific counselling.

I felt like this, after an ex cheated on me for 7 years (yes 7) and during this time made me out to be a nutter that didn't know my own mind and I believed him.
Fast forward to the present, I found it impossible to trust and was actively looking for the first 3 years in my current relationship for 'evidence'.
I seen a counsellor who said she couldn't help me, I went to my GP who wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist, but we met in the middle and I went to a psychologist and got CBT.
I was the best thing I have ever done, please do not let yourself go through this anymore, its exhausting, it doesn't matter how much your dh reassures you, you really need to make a change within yourself.

I think you might need to reframe what this is about, as I think respondents are getting the wrong idea and I can see why.

As I recall, your H had an affair a few years ago and just recently, you have been having similar instincts and feelings to those dark times when you correctly suspected an affair. You acknowledge that as some of your living circumstances mirror those that permitted an affair last time, this might be playing on your mind and causing these doubts.

The concept of lifestyle vulnerabilities comes directly from Shirley Glass and Not Just Friends, but this is part of her more holistic approach to preventing a relationship becoming vulnerable to an affair and examines three vulnerabilities; individual, relational and lifestyle/social. These vulnerabilities apply to both partners, as you correctly point out.

Assuming that the first two have been eradicated from your relationship, you're asking about the last one?

Lifestyle vulnerabilities occur if one or both partners socialises or works in an atmosphere that tolerates or celebrates infidelity, where there is frequent travel away from home, where the partners spend long periods apart, where a relationship is exclusively child-centric; when lives are busy to the point of bust. Social conditioning is also a factor, especially the gender politics about male and female sexuality and infidelity or the roles that men and women perform in society. Religious beliefs form part of this too.

What this means is that it would be helpful to look at your lifestyle and the social conditioning you have both absorbed and discuss how these factors might get in the way of staying faithful; whether you can change aspects of your lives and how serious a threat they will present if nothing changes.

WRT the OM, one of the best ways you can deal with this is to talk to your H about him. If you are creating a relationship where there is more openness and transparency, then part of that means discussing perfectly normal crushes and bringing them into the light, discussing their meaning and import.

You're right. You do have 'lifestyle vulnerabilities'. How do you and H keep in touch during the week? It's best to keep your relationship alive Mon-Fri, with all the usual everyday stuff and some personal chat. Would it help you feel more connected if you could see each other - maybe switch from using the phone to video calls? Another idea, depending on whether you're writers, is to supplement quick chats with more personal letters.

Thanks all for your replies. The past few weeks I have stepped back and tried not to analyse, or imagine the worst. I have tried to look at our situation objectively and can see that there are obvious places where it is difficult to maintain trust. Mainly the fact of our separate living during the week. To that end I thought it would be helpful to get more involved with H in his life in his flat so I organised weekend visit.

Then it started to go wrong - first he was awkward and resistant to the whole idea raising all kinds of objections that were just plainly nonsense. Such as the driving would tire me out! Then when it was inevitable he started talking about having to work late on Friday so maybe we should come on sat instead. When we got there on Friday he was like a cat on a hot tin roof and followed me round the flat. When I suggested going into the town for tea he said no didn't want to. Next day we drove to the beach an hour away on the way out of town I asked if many people from work lived in same town . Silence then oh yeah xxx (secretary) moved here a few months ago. Oh where is her place? The other end of town. Oh so is yours. In fact it turns out she lives almost opposite him, is single and has apparently from a previous conversation already offered to take him out around the sights!!! All accompanied by pale face and guilty schoolboy expression I think I have just found the true source of my anxieties. Not happy but it makes a lot of sense. Explains nights when I have phoned the landline to get no reply but when I phone mobile he has answered and says he is at home.

I have given a lot of thought to how I can possibly get some concrete evidence although to be honest in my mind I don't need it. It all makes total sense now. But I don't want to get into that yes you are, no I'm not game. I need to sort it out as fast as possible. I need suggestions on how I can spy really - can't do phone as is company bill. He plainly doesn't need to use the landline he just steps across the road. Even the gps location on my phone is not accurate enough to tell the diff between her place and his. His car will be parked where it should be I am a bit stuck for ideas.

Feeling crap and angry and stupid that I tried to bury my instincts again. But also feel that I know how to deal with this and it will never be as bad as it was the first time.

I think your instincts are speakng loud and clear tbh.