Trying to cut out psycho FIL. Any advice? (long)

[InPraiseOfBacchus]

My DP's dad moved out when he was 15, but did try and keep up a relationship with him ever since. In recent years, however, the relationship became more and more strained, as it appeared this guy was going through a bit of a personality crisis, which we put down to mid-life issues. I went to see him once when he came to our town, and once more when I went to see him at his home, and found him quite bossy and unthinking (desperate to control what we did all weekend, what train we took home, what route we took, etc), but I figured I could put up with it, and was nothing but polite.

However, DP was just starting an MA course at university, which his father insisted on funding. During this time, this chap would call DP on the phone slightly more than he was comfortable with. He'd insist on visits more and more frequently as time went on, and use these visits purely to talk about himself. He'd constantly make references to the money that he was sending (DP didn't need it, but father insisted), and hint that this left him in some obligation to him.

I became more suspicious after one time when I couldn't accompany DP to see his dad. DP felt pressured to stay for longer and longer in this guy's house, and when he left, he got a very scathing message suggesting that I'd convinced him to leave early by ringing him, wondering what I'd been saying on the phone, and basically outright telling DP that I was trying to hold him back from moving on with his life and trying to get him to stay in Norwich with me (Quite the opposite of the truth).

DP later told me that he'd wanted to leave because he was becoming increasingly uncomfortable in his dad's house, because of his controlling behaviour and the fact that he was constantly bullying his new partner and her daughter. For example, he'd hiss orders at his partner, then turn around and speak sweetly to DP, while everyone was in the same room.

DP's father became more controlling towards DP, trying to dictate what career choices he made after his degree, and pretty much refusing to consider a path which left him uninvolved with DP. One one occasion, he'd done some "research" into places which ran a particular course. He sent a list of these to DP, but we found out he'd removed all the places which would be too far away for him to come and visit regularly. After this, DP tried to make it clear that he'd be making his own decisions, and he was doing just fine.

DP at this point was just out of university, and not in the best financial situation (who is?!). Father insisted on knowing exactly how much DP had in his bank account, even using phone bill information to try and get this info. He continued to send money.

Whenever any unpleasantness would happen, the father would switch to using really deliberately emotive language about how much he loved him and how he just has his son'd interest at heart.

I'm convinced this guy really does see himself as some sort of God-figure to everyone in his life. He does everything he can to make the other person feel like they both rely on him for everything, and owe him some sort of debt.

After some particularly nasty email messages, and repeated phone calls (Sometimes up to 9 missed calls in a day). DP asked him politely not to contact him ever again. He also told him to stop sending money, and that he would pay back every penny that he had been sent, when he was in a better financial situation. Naturally, we got a melodramatic, emotive email back, but DP considered it case closed.

After a while, DP started getting phone calls from DP's father again, this time from anonymous numbers. (DP was applying to lots of jobs at the time, and couldn't afford to not answer just in case - father knew this). The calls continue to this day. Each time, they're ignored or (if anonymous number) hung up.

Months have passed, and DP has just received a text from his dad, really casually worded, saying "it's been a while", and "What's up?". Literally as if nothing had happened. This I find the most sinister thing of all. The dad's acting as though DP's sane, thought-over decision to remove him from his life is nothing but a case of stroppy 'I'm-not-talking-to-you' behaviour brought on by a fit of infantile rage. It's not. It's a real decision and one he intends to stand by.

DP is worried that his dad will try to come to our town to look for him and cause a scene. I think this is unlikely.

Does this count as harassment yet? It's extremely upsetting for DP and I hate to see him have to deal with this at this important and stressful time in his life. Should DP tell his father once more that we don't want further contact (as if it wasn't clear enough) in order that we would have grounds to complain to the police?

Thanks in advance, sorry about the long story.

Oh Shit. You've got your hands full. Look up Narcissism, or Narcissisic Personality Disorder. I sorely hope your FIL isn't one because they are dangerous, intractable and generally a nightmare. i rather suspect he might. I'm so sorry.

I don't think it's unlikely Dad will cause a scene. If he does that by driving to town or if he does that in another way though is hard to call.

Yes of course it's harrassment, but legally you might find that hard to establish, especially if he is narcissistic- they're so good at controlling the authorities it's astounding. A change of phone number is probably a better practical solution.

Thanks, I'll look that up now. That does sound as if you've got him in one there.

Don't know why we didn't think of changing phone numbers before. It might be a good bet. DP is away at the moment, but I'll see what he thinks about that when he gets back.

Our hope is that he'll reason to himself that he won't benefit himself from pursuing the situation (I've done a tiny bit of reading on sociopathy and similar in the past) and leave it well alone, convincing himself that HE chose to cut US off. Dont' know if this will actually come to pass, though!

Narcissistic PD is a personality disorder in cluster B, so is Antisocial PD (which used to be called sociopathy or psychopathy). That's jargon I know so I'll put it in laymans. Personality Disorders are mental health conditions which are generally life long from adolescence, although thier effects can vary with age, they are hard to treat and they are not illnesses as such, just ways of summerising some very difficult to deal with people. There are 3 main groups of personality disorder, called clusters for diagnostic purposes. Cluster B are the dramatic, emotional or erractic ones. Because sociopathy and narcissism are both in cluster B there may well be a bit of overlap between how a narcissist and a sociopath present themselves.

Wikipedia is a good place to start if jargon doesn't scare you and you're prepared to work through it slowly. We use the ICD-10 as the book from which to diagnose mental health conditions in this country, but the American equivalent, the DSM-IV is a lot more user friendly and so it's generally better at giving an intial understanding.

For the second time today I'm gonna recommend the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Unlike Wiki-ing PD's you wont get bogged down in jargon, it's a very readable book. It's written by a man who worked with abusive men, about abusive men. Really it's aimed at female partners and ex partners of abusive or controlling men, but your husband and yourself might get a lot of insight from it. It's a lot less like hard work than reading through Wiki too!

I'm in the process of researching Narcissists myself at the moment, I think my ex is one. I think I'm going to have to get him assessed by a court appointed expert when we go back to fight about custody/access to our child (again). From personal experience I would say don't bee too quick to take this man on, he will love it. His fundamental dishonesty and love of a performance means he will probably be better at it than you too. For now, read what you can, learn what you can, and bide your time. Fighting a Narcissist is hell, so lots of research first is the best advice I never had.

It sounds like metal emotional abuse at the least, I'd be very careful hugs for you and DP

Cheers all! Forget to mention this at the end, but FIL is STILL sending money. DP asked at the bank, but it turns out there's no way to 'block' the payments or send them back. His utter dismissal of everything my DP has said to him makes me think that he has no real respect for him as a person at all, rather sees him as an accessory to his own life. Maybe that fits in with the Narcissism condition.

Thanks for all the ideas. Perhaps a change of bank account would work. A bit extreme but perhaps worth it.

Ask for a cheque off the FIL, then you have his bank account details and can pay the money back into his account. Or, open a new account as you say, that is a very straightfoward thing to do, even with the same bank.

Couldn't you close the bank account ??