Moving on and accepting

[DantesInternal]

I have namechanged for this as I'm a regular. Please bear with me as this will be the first time I will have spoken about this in such detail and I want to get it all out. I was hoping that someone with a similar experience could help me with this as I think I'm going mad

DP had a one night stand with a woman he had got friendly with in the pub (who was also a school mum) 3 years ago. We had been been going through some difficulties but I had no idea that things were as bad as he thought they were. This woman befriended him and was a "sympathetic ear" when he talked about some of the issues with one of our DC's who has ASD as she had some experience in this area. He said they only really talked about 4 or 5 times and the last time she made it clear that the house was empty as her DC's were away and invited him round. They were both drunk. I had a feeling that something was amiss and checked his phone, there was nothing immediatley worrying but in the drafts folder there were a lot of texts that he had started and messed up on the predictive to one person - a set of intials. Then I found one that said 'I don't know how I feel' so I knew that there was something to worry about. I called the number (it was very late at night) and her voicemail picked up giving her name, I recognised her voice as she has a different regional accent to us and I knew her from the school only in passing I confronted him and he denied anything had happenend and that they were just friends, blah blah blah. Over the next week or so we talked about it and I made it clear that such friendships were not on if I knew nothing about them and who the hell hides women's no's on their phone etc. I knew they had slept together but couldn't get him to admit it. I was on the point of taking the DC's to a hotel when I confided in a friend who works at the school that one of her DC's attended and she mentioned that the DC had told her that my DP had gone round their house to fix something. I knew then that I had caught him out on a lie and confronted him, as he said he had never been to her house. I told him I was going round to ask her what happened and he admitted that they had slept together once but they were both so pissed that it hadn't really 'worked'

I'm ashamed to say I went round her house to confront her. I was so mad at being made a fool of and lied to and this was a woman who knew my situ with with my SN DC and had been to our house to drop her DS for kids parties. She opened the door and slammed it when she saw it was me, but I tried to kick the door down. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that she lived near a police station. When I got back we had a long talk and he said he bitterly regretted it and didn't tell me the truth as he was ashamed and didn't want me to find out. He said he was distraught at what he had done to me and our DC's. He had also found out that she was really promuscuous and a bit of a lush so he was scared he had caught something and had run a mile when she had got in touch since. He offered to go but I didn't want to push them together and (in haste) told him to stay as I loved (love) him and didn't have my kids for them bring them up alone. I thought that I could get over it and that my children deserved to be with their father. I have confronted the OW since and she denied that anything happened, told me I was mad. She also called him and said I was mad and that nothing happened! He was amazed that she could be so self-deluded when he was there too but she was adamant. She did eventually say that she knew something had happened as she remembered him being in her bedroom. I made sure he got tested for STD's and also pointed out that she could have said he tried to rape her, as she clearly has issues with alcohol and memory.

One of our big problems was that we had zero social life as a couple. None of either of our familes wanted to look after our DC's, and we couldn't find a sitter so it meant that he would go out alone and leave me at home. Sometimes when DC1 was having an episode it was really tough and I felt bitter and let down. I explained this and the other issues that I had and since I found out he has arranged a regular babysitter so we go on date nights. If he goes out its for a couple of hours to watch football etc and never goes anywhere were he thinks she may be. He has really tried to make things better and is open about his phone etc.

My problem is that I am still so so angry. I hate her for deliberately targetting someone she knew had a disabled child and wanted to take him away from that child and our other little DC. If I could get away with it I would kill her and enjoy doing it. I know he has tried to make amends but sometimes when I look at him I want to punch him in the head and not stop. He could have ruined our DC's lives and for what? Some old skank that doesn't care what damage she does. It doesn't help that she is not some young glamourgirl, she is 12 years older than me.

We get along well most of the time but sometimes if we are arguing about something else, no matter how minor, I will throw it all back in his face and rage at him. The rational part of me understands how he got into the situation and that he has done everything to make amends but I can't help myself, it like I need to lash out. If he had deliberately set out to destroy me he couldn't have done a better job than this. When he does something lovely there is a little voice in my head telling me that he can't actually mean it as he cheated on me with an old rotter. I don't know how I can get out of this vicious circle and move on. We can't afford councilling and I don't think it would work as he will not talk about his feelings. We live in a large village and I feel that everyone must know about it an is laughing at me. I hate feeling so angry but I can't get out of it I think one of the problems is that I have had no one to talk to. My best friend is angry with him to so is not the best person to talk to. I didn't want to confide in family as I want us to stay together and I thought that they would hate him for it. Someone else that I trusted was interested until she got some of the (edited) story then cold shouldered me when I could have done with her ear. Perhaps just writing this all down and having someone read it will help.

It is my guess that people in the village are NOT laughing at you; if anything, they will think badly of your husband and this other woman.

What you do have is a lot of anger (understandable) that you are turning inwards. You need a safe way and a safe place to get this anger out.

Dantes, I'm really sorry you are going through this - I can feel your anger and hurt radiating off the page...and it is completely understandable.

Firstly - I really don't think anyone would be laughing at you - remember that people are very preoccupied with their own lives, and if they do know they will just think that your husband and this woman have behaved appallingly.

I know its difficult, but you do need to redirect your anger away from the other woman here - the only person who had a commitment and broke it was your husband. Any feelings of hurt and anger should be aimed at him - regarding her, just think what a sad person she is to behave like this, Im sure she is not happy - it will eat you up if you keep thinking about her.

Your husband betrayed you - nobody else - he is the one who was meant to be faithful, really try and focus on that and see her as just a symptom of the problem in how HE treats YOU. She is meaningless. Please try and forget about her.

Regarding your anger - yes, you definitely need counselling - can you speak to your GP? If you can explain your situation he can put you on a waiting list for NHS counselling. Also -

Go to the BACP website as well - there are low cost counselling clinics in many areas - even if you can only go every other week or have a few sessions, it really is what you need.

But - most fundamentally I think you need to accept your anger. It's there, it's real, it's the result of boiling hurt inside you - and your husband needs to deal with it.

If you are so angry with him that it is poisoining your day to day life - then I'm afraid this relationship has not been mended yet. Rather than pretend that it has - you need to accept where you really are.

Could he move out for a while? I feel that you really need space and he needs to actually work his way back to gaining your trust again. It seems that he was letting you down BEFORE this happened - ie. going out without you. So - you were already having a hard time, then he betrayed you further.

If you don't fix this, and really make him understand your feelings, this will not go away.

And. re. him not talking about his feelings - that is simply not good enough. He needs to prove to you that he is willing to change. sorry, thats rather long!

But I really understand about the anger and hurt - you need to accept it's there and confront it - make peace with it in a way.

Also - I think relate do cheap counselling for people on low income. worth checking.

Thank you so much for reading my very long post and for taking the trouble to reply. I was worried when I read it back that I sound really self indulgent and pathetic. I am very angry but just knowing that other people are interested enough to listen/read helps a great deal. It was very cathartic just getting it all out and I wish I'd found mumsnet when it was all happening. You've given me a lot to think about and the strength to understand that it goes back a lot further than the ONS, thank you.

He hasn't done everything to make amends if he will not talk about his feelings. He needs to do everything you need him to do to confront, resolve and move past this Nothing less will work. You've been betrayed, your family has been betrayed and your vulnerable child has been betrayed. (I actually don't think your dc's SN was of any relevance to the other woman when targeting your DH, but it clearly is to you, understandably so. I also don't think she was necessarily looking to lure him away but her motives are not what's relevant here, his are).

Your post does most definitely not come across as self-indulgent or pathetic, btw, something horrible was done to you. Well done for being brave enough to write it all down. Being honest about your feelings, even only here on MN, is a great first step.