How do I cope with confidence in front of my ex?

[JaneS]

I've just found out my ex and I will be going to the same wedding this summer. We're all old schoolfriends so lots of people will know both of us.

Ex was a total nob - isolated me from friends, systematically destroyed my confidence and made me think I was going nuts, took my money and eventually shacked up with someone else while we were living together and left when it was convenient for him. OTOH, I am an alcoholic and was drinking a lot then. I was functioning, but he knew it wasn't healthy.

I tried to stay in touch to get my money back, but at one point he was making really nasty sexual comments to me on facebook so I snapped and said if he couldn't give me the money I wanted him out of my life. He and I and his girlfriend had a bit of a row and I've not been in touch since. We've mutual friends including my close friend (who agrees he's a nob) and her partner (who thinks there was fault on both sides), so I know what he's up to in a general way.

On the face of it I am doing fine. I'm married to a lovely guy who really cares for me, I'm being paid to do something I love, and although I've not beaten the alcoholism, I'm sober at the moment. The ex has not done very well with this life, but thinks of himself as a writer and a hard worker for his dad. I'm a student and I know he thinks students are lazy and it's pathetic for a 26-year-old to be still studying.

Sorry, long backstory. The problem is when I think about him I feel really nervous and unsure of myself. I just know that when I see him I will be a nervous wreck. I don't want him to say anything about our past but knowing him I think he will make innuendos (this is his preferred mode of communication with women in general, it wouldn't be a pointed comment but the idea of it makes me feel squeamish). I know from my friend that he has previously discussed my sexuality very openly in an inappropriate way. I don't know if he would comment on anything else but I'm worried it will come up that he is 'working' and I'm 'just' studying.

How do I get through this without feeling crap? I can't feasibly just avoid him all day though obviously I will do that as much as possible. I can't explain very well just how he makes me feel - he has never done any one particularly awful thing. He would never have hit me and he would let me cry and comfort me, though at the time I thought I was just a very unhappy person and now I think it suited him for me to be upset.

Any tips for boosting my confidence? Things I should/shouldn't do? Is it worth talking to my friend (who knows both of us) about this and asking her to watch out for him?

DH can't make it to the wedding so I will be on my own, btw. I have said I will go, and won't cancel now.

Is there another friend you can take as your 'date'?

Don't drink. That's the first thing you mustn't do. You need to be in full control at all times at this wedding.

All I can suggest otherwise is 'fake it'. You can be absolutely terrified on the inside, but it's perfectly possible to act confident without anyone knowing. Dress in a way that makes you feel great, have your hair done and hold your head high. Avoid him as much as you can, but if you have to speak to him, keep it brief and light. You don't have to be friendly with him, but it will make you look good and avoid a scene if you can be civil, if a little offhand.

Hopefully you'll know a lot of people there, so won't be by yourself.

Honestly, if it was me, I wouldn't go.

Why do you feel you can't cancel and are so compelled to go?

I don't think you should put yourself through something that could be so upsetting to you. I wouldn't want you to threaten your sobriety (well done btw). I would be completely upset by his behaviour too, I don't blame you at all to be concerned.

Thanks for replying.

Toby - I'd not thought of taking someone else. Would that not be odd, as they all know I'm married? If it's something people do I might do that, it would be great to have someone with me. I do know lots of people who will be there, but it's almost impossible to tell who ended up on 'my' side and who on 'his' - most of them are only aware it was a bad breakup and don't know any more.

English - I have to go, I said I would a while back and only just found out he's going (I understood he couldn't make it but he's changed his mind). I really want to go and besides I don't want to keep missing seeing friends because of him - I've not been to a few parties because I knew he'd be there and it's pathetic.

I doubt I'd even want to drink at the wedding btw - I never much liked drinking when I was nervous anyway.

Why do you care what such a horrible person thinks of you?

I'm not asking to be flippant, but out of genuine interest as to whether you've ever asked yourself that question?

Why are you still giving him so much power? So what if he thinks students are lazy? Who is he? The life police?

Oh, definitely take someone else. It's perfectly acceptable if people ask to just say "my husband couldn't make it, but this is my friend [name]". I'd do that if my bf couldn't make an event I'd been invited to, especially if I was a bit nervous about going alone. It would be great for you to have some moral support.

madonna, I don't care what he thinks of me. But when I talk to him or see him I feel horrible inside - squeamish and scared and useless. I really hate it. And I do care about seeing my friends so I don't want to keep on avoiding things when I know he'll be there.

toby - ok then - good to know! Ought it to be a male friend or is it acceptable to bring a girl 'date'? (I think I'll check with the couple anyway, but just asking what's normal).

It's good that you don't want to miss seeing friends because of this knob - why should you? Bear in mind that if 'innuendos is his preferred mode of communication with women in general' there will probably be quite a few women there who haven't known him for years and therefore are not used to him (eg dates/DPs of old friends who haven't seen him for a while, relatives of the couple who don't know the friends), who will be going 'What a knob!' to each other behind his back.
ALso, build yourself a really detailed mental picture of him doing something foolish and undignified, like shitting his pants, being caught picking his nose, trying to pull a woman while he's got food stuck in his teeth, whatever, and every time he hoves into view, conjure up that mental picture of him looking like a total loser.

I have a friend who always brings her girl best friend to weddings and things, because she has more fun with her. Yes, check with the couple first, but I can't imagine anyone would have a problem with that assuming they'd originally invited you and your husband.

You're better than this man. Tell yourself that every day. By the time the wedding comes around, you might actually believe it and be able to act accordingly. You don't need to worry about being polite to him, but it will make you look better if you can (fake) confidently be around him.

I have just finished writing a really long post on a domestic violence thread about how abusers destroy your confidence in your own decisions. Even if there was no physical violence at all this relationship bears exactly the same hallmarks as the early days of many domestically violent relationships. To put yourself into a situation where you know you will feel invalidated and useless and where he will be pulling your strings again as to how worthless you are is a bad idea. You need to either not go, or find a way to go which protects you from any influence this man can cast. This is where the right kind of friend comes in very helpful.

Thanks all.

I think bringing a friend is a great idea - I have emailed to check but hopefully it will be ok. SGB - . I like the way you think!

You are so right and I think you have more guts than me :)

Bring a friend and enjoy yourself. He'll look very small if he tries to start something at a wedding.

Good Luck!

Thanks English.

I actually don't have any guts at all when he's there/I think about it, that's why I'm trying to prepare myself now!

He's just an insignificant tosser who has no power over you.

Like in the Wizard of Oz when Toto pulls back the curtain and the Wizard is just some small, sad, old guy.

That's your ex.

madonnawhore is speaking a lot of sense. Listen to her :)

Think you've got some great advice here LRD. just wanted to wish you good luck with it, can't believe you're so young and have already been through all this :( Keep strong.

It's brilliant that you are going and not letting down your friends and if you deal well with this, it will improve your confidence greatly in not just future encounters with this ghastly man, but other life situations.

I'd echo the advice about taking a trusted friend, but share your concerns with that person and ask her to play the role of your greatest supporter and ally. Hence, if there are any barbed comments about students, the friend should make affirming remarks about the value of lifelong learning and the courage to become a mature student.

What also sometimes works is if the friend appears to be talking to you, but within his earshot, so that he hears her saying "You know LittleRedDragon you look so happy and confident. It's wonderful to see..." or some other compliment that will have a wanker like your ex silently seething and wanting to depart from the conversation post-haste.

madonna - oh, if wishing made it so!

I know he shouldn't have any power over me, it's just you mind plays tricks. My friend told me a million times that he was taking advantage and I should leave, and I never heard her, I thought he was right. Meh. The thing is he doesn't think he did anything wrong and it was just a bad time in my life (which, er, mysteriously cleared up the moment we split! ). But if I see him I feel useless again, and I get little knock-backs from it. A while ago I was with a mutual friend who just mentioned casually that 'you've always been quite unstable, a bit crazy' ... I was gobsmacked because my ex is clearly still making people think that way about me, even though I've now got the most boring, stable, settled life you can imagine.

robber - thanks - and thanks for the 'young'!

whenwill - that's what I'm hoping, that facing up to this will be good for me generally. My closest friend now, who didn't know me when I was with him, wouldn't believe I could ever be that weak with someone - knowing that is a comfort in itself.

• your mind, even. Or 'one's mind', if we're being poncy.

WWIFN is right, the more you 'expose' yourself to your ex, the more your confidence will grow. It's like with any fear, you have to face it head on otherwise it just grows into this massive imaginary thing that paralyses you.

Every time you see him looking a little bit fatter and a little bit older and more and more like just a mediocre bloke who has no social skills, you will eventually become completely desensitised to him. So that when he says something about mature students being lazy you can just shrug your shoulders and say 'Oh well, that's your not very well informed opinion' and then as you walk away, roll your eyes at your friend and give her a look that says 'what a loser lol'.

That makes sense madonna. I expect that having avoided him for so long makes it build up in my mind.

Thanks!

I think you should go, but definitely with your most confident, supportive friend.

Look great - I think having a blow-dry at the hairdressers that morning is always a fail-safe option when it comes to dressy social events.

Avoid catching his eye.

Smile and laugh lots.

Plan in advance what you will say if he comes out with any choice remarks.

Speak privately to the bride and ask if you can be seated well away from him at the Reception.