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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this selfish or my hormones?

13 replies

Noddyrocks · 04/03/2011 08:05

I feel a bit guilty writing this as so many of your stories are 10x worse than mine but here goes...

My husband has been talking about going to work abroad (other side of the world abroad) for a little while. I have been fine with that as I use to travel a lot with my work before I was married.

Anyway we have a 16 month old DD and I am about 8 weeks pregnant at the moment.

Last night OH came in again and started talking about this going abroad again to work (not sure how long, possibly 6 months or so) I said 'ok we can certainly consider it if we have more information'
I just always assumed me and my daughter would be going too!

Then a bit later he said `would you and Elisa miss me?' I pretended not to be engaged but was pretty taken aback and I went off to bed early.

I am just upset he is even considering this when I am pregnant. I guess I am feeling a bit vulnerable and hormonal.

We moved where we are now because of his work and I dont know ANYONE here. My family live a good 2.5 hours away as do most of my friends.

I am feeling anxious at the moment too as I have had clotting problems before and they seem to be resurfacing which is always a bit of a worry. I guess I just feel a bit upset now that he hasnt even thought of these things.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 04/03/2011 09:41

I would be honest with him and say that you would not be happy with him going until you have settled more and made friends, and that you would feel very isolated if he were to go now.

Plenty of men in the forces go on tours of duty and are away from their wives for 6 months at a time, but there is generally a support network back home for the wives so that they are not all by themselves.

If the job means good money, and is only for 6 months, and he will have a job to come back to as well, then it is worth considering, but not fair to leave you with a toddler and a pregnancy, or a toddler and newborn.

I think your priority at the moment is to start joining in local mother and toddler group/s and make friends whether he goes or not.

It is also vital that he has a long term plan, and you know what it is, and not just a 6 month get rich quick scheme, because earning a years wages in 6 months, but then coming back to no job and being unemployed for a while negates the benefits really.

nurseblade · 04/03/2011 10:10

I don't think you should feel guilty writing that at all.

You've already moved once for your partner's job, now he expects you to stay in the new place while he goes to the other side of the world. Sorry but that seems very unfair of him.

It would be ideal if you could say you want to move back closer to your friends and family then he can go, although I'm sure in reality this isn't a possibility.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 04/03/2011 10:13

i suppose what you really want to know is how can he be happy to do this - isn't it OP?

is it because he can earn more money for the family or something? is it hard for him to get work here? or is it because he is feeling trapped by family life and wants to go off and spread his wings?

if it's the latter than that's not good is it?

medicalmayhem · 04/03/2011 10:22

he is being selfish IMO, he has already uprooted you once , was he planning to help you move back nearer your family b4 he went?, i would talk to him and tell him its all of us or none of us, i know that's easier said than done, would he be back for the birth of your child?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 04/03/2011 11:35

He's being selfish. First he moves you away from family and friends then he proposes leaving you alone with a toddler and pregnant/newborn. He's a father now, he has a responsibility to provide emotional and practical support, not just financial.

Original poster

Noddyrocks · 04/03/2011 17:44

Thankyou everyone for your responses. I think he thinks it will put him in good stead for a pay rise in his job and to climb further up the ladder but I think also he is a bit bored at the moment in his current placement. A pay rise is not essentiel at the moment as far as I am concerned. This is not our first move because of his job btw, its our third!
Smashing, he already has a job secured with his agency (the same agency have asked him if he would be interested) but they will always have other placements for him so its really his choice.

I'm not sure if he would be back for the birth, I would be extremely upset if he wasn't. I agree chaotic, he seems so money orientated at the moment and its not as if we are hard up. Ok we are not millionaires but neither are we struggling.

Nurse, I have mentioned moving closer to family and friend setc but he is adament he wants to stay in the 'big city'. I am really hopinh he gets fed up of it one day!

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 04/03/2011 18:48

Why would he assume you wouldn't go with him? Are you working? You obviously don't have huge ties to the area like friends or family so it seems strange to me that he thinks you will stay behind. What is his thinking? If you are a SAHM with no children in school than of course you would go with him, why wouldn't you?

mamas12 · 04/03/2011 20:19

well you do need to say that you are expecting to go ewith him or if not then move closer to your family for the support.
He can't have it all his own way.

What about you.

Mouseface · 04/03/2011 20:24

I agree with Chaotic (as per )

He's thinking about his career, his life.

What sort of question is that? 'Would you and Elisa miss me'?

Of course you'll both miss him. Why ask that? To feel needed?

Does he want you to ask him not to go? Does he want you to plead with him to stay so he feels valued?

Original poster

Noddyrocks · 04/03/2011 20:47

Yes, I wonder too why he wouldnt want us to go with him, but he did say they wouldnt provide accommodation or airfares for 'the family'

Mouseface I think maybe he was trying to get through to me that he would be going alone because I had been talking as though we would all be going. Maybe he was trying to be 'tactful'!!

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 04/03/2011 21:10

To add to the mutual admiration society... Mouseface makes some good points

Noddy I think you need to sit down with him and find out what he means by what he said. Tell him your feelings too. If you're not happy with him going, if it means him leaving you, then tell him that.

Original poster

Noddyrocks · 04/03/2011 21:14

Thanks Chaotic I really appreciate the imput. Sometimes we can't think straight when we are pregnant!! Having said that I havent been very hormonal this time (pretty normal!)

We do need to talk about it though, you are right.

OP posts:

Mouseface · 04/03/2011 21:24

Please, as Chaotic says, talk.

Nothing is set in stone. Tell him. Be honest with honest with him.

For all of you x

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