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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me be a great friend...

12 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/03/2011 19:34

..to a friend who text the other day to say she and her husband of 13 years have seperated, due to reasons outside of her control, she and the kids are devestated, she hoped she could count on my support but wasn't up for questions just yet.

We've just set a dinner date at her house for next Friday. Obviously I really want to be mega supportive but when I think about what I'm going to say I just draw a blank!

Do I just let her lead the conversation whenever/however she wants? I can only assume she doesn't want loads of questions thrown at her.

Any hints and tips?

TIA

OP posts:
hairylights · 03/03/2011 19:37

Yes, let her lead the conversation. Let her 'spill her guts' it will help, be a good listener, comfort her if she is upset. Don't ask 'why'.

You sound like a lovely friend, because you are clearly concerned about how to help her.

BertieBotts · 03/03/2011 19:40

Let her talk. Don't ask questions. Try not to respond to things she says with "Oh when I had this experience..." unless it's really relevant and helpful. Be willing to talk about completely unrelated stuff - have a few topics in the back of your head not related to relationships which you can bring up if you want. If she gets upset don't worry about what to say, just offer her a hug (sorry if this is obvious :))

Provide lots of wine Grin

thisisyesterday · 03/03/2011 19:40

have you texted back yet?

if not just say how sorry you are to hear that, and if there is ANYTHING you can do she should just let you know...

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/03/2011 19:52

Great tips thankyou.

My DH and I were absolutely shocked by her text. If I made a list of our friends in order of who you thought would ever seperate, they'd be at the bottom, which I think is why I'm struggling on how to act, if I hated him or he'd always been a knob or something that would somehow be easier!

BertieBotts we've just come back from a stint abroad so will have that as a generic topic. Will def take wine, I'm taking dinner over aswell and cooking for her as the children are at her husbands'.

thisisyesterday yes the initial text was about 1 week ago (maybe a little less) and I responded with words similar to yours, especially as I'm on mat leave so have time in day to do anything if needs be.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 03/03/2011 19:59

I would try to avoid mentioning your opinion of him. If she says something - I know you don't want to give details - but about the way he has acted or something then you could agree with her it was a twatty thing to do or whatever - but agree with her (unless she's beating herself up obviously!) overall.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/03/2011 20:06

Good point.

OP posts:
ginnyjeans · 03/03/2011 20:12

Yes, definitely let her lead the conversation. I know when my split was very new - sometimes I didn't want it mentioned and sometimes I was ok to talk. Depending on the day and how I was feeling, I could just burst into tears. Glad those days are behind me!

MigratingCoconuts · 03/03/2011 20:15

However, she will need to know that she has your total support. She has just had a trusting relationship broken up so trust will be important. Its a hard line to walk for you, between being supportive but not totally slagging him off.

Its true though, don't worry about what you are going to say, just listen to her and let her talk about it at her own pace.

pinksmarties · 03/03/2011 20:15

Just let her talk, cry, rant and rage.

Be normal, be yourself, have a laugh with her.

Don't have a sad face and be all 'oh dear, you poor thing'.

Be smiley and confident and don't walk on egg shells.

Tell her she looks gorgeous and how amazing she is as her confidence will have taken a massive bashing.

Bring her some flowers, make her laugh through her tears and tell her to be strong.

Don't worry about 'how to be', she just wants a listening ear and support.

When it happened to me it was my friends who saved me. They laughed with me and cried with me, made me cups of tea and didn't turn a hair when I let rip.

I didn't want people around me who were self concious or who felt awkward.

When something like that happens to you, you very soon realise who your real friends are and they're like pure gold and very precious.

She'll be feeling as if she's been hit by a train. She'll be in shock and will be running on adrenalin.

Don't be timmid, she'll need you to be strong. Maybe offer to go supermarket shopping with her. It sounds silly but I couldn't do a propper shop for about 3 weeks after my H left as I felt so vulnerable and my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see and in Sainsburys all I saw were all the things I used to buy for him and I'd just cry and go home.

Thank God I'm not like that anymore, I tell you, unless you've been through it yourself (like most things) you cannot begin to imagine what it'like.

Be there for her, text her often, just to say "are you ok, wanna meet up for a tea ?" Most people won't do that as they won't have a clue what she's going through and some of them won't really care. But you do care and well done for wanting to help and coming on here to ask how.

You're a good friend x

MigratingCoconuts · 03/03/2011 20:17

oh, and let her know how shocked you are so that she hasn't got to feel like everyone else saw this coming and she was the last to know.

Its a pride thing, but it will be of small comfort to know she hasn't been a total idiot.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/03/2011 21:08

Brilliant advice, thankyou all. She's text tonight asking me to bring my 7mo DD along for cuddles as she last saw her when she was just days old! So with a curry, a bottle of wine, some flowers, kleenex, a cute baby and your great advice, I am ready!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 03/03/2011 21:51

Your evening seems to be shaping up well :)

The best things my friends said to me:

You loved him more than he was able to appreciate.
You deserve better.
He's being a twat.
You always were a bit too good for him.
You're gorgeous, funny, kind, clever, etc.
Have some more champagne.

I'm still grateful to them!

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