Please help me come to terms with my guilt

[jilter]

What are your thoughts about this?

Here is a list of things my ex thought were ok, and manipulated and almost brain washed me into being compliant with, over the years.

I still feel guilty for leaving him. I did meet a new man before leaving , but nothing happened until after I'd left my ex.

BUT I am starting to realise with hindsight that all of these things are total dealbreakers and starting to think I might be able to forgive myself.

(Ex had some mental health issues)

The list:

Children are a bind, boring, a pain, get in the way. I never wanted any.(I really want children, he has two of his own, but I have none of my own.)
Sex is something ?owed and expected? within a relationship ? women can ?just lie there? so that a man can be ?relieved? (he expected sex twice a week minimum and expected to be able to instruct me on how to have sex with him, move by move)

You choose to work, what about giving me as much attention, meeting my needs. (he did not work, and I did full time, as well as 100% of housework etc)

Spending most of the time asleep, in the house.

Addiction to pornography (watching pornographic films nightly)

Belief in (obsession with) Aliens

Smoking Skunk to ?numb? himself, every day

You are responsible for my wellbeing

Women are there to ?service? and ?serve? men.
If you don?t agree with what I?m saying, I will threaten you, and if I hurt you it will be your fault

What are your thoughts on all this?

Honestly? My thoughts are you wasted time on a weed smoking, masoginistic, lazy, ignorant layabout.

What's to forgive? Apart from getting with him in the first place, but you weren't to know, where you?

My thoughts are that you have been in an abusive relationship and that in many ways it's like a cult, it takes time to de-programme.

He is an arse, you deserve better and are well rid. Repeat this to yourself, in front of the mirror, every morning and evening!

Fucking hell, he sounds like a complete wanker.

However I do know the guilt thing. Although I knew I had to leave XP for mine and DS' sake, I felt awful about it. I think I cried for about 3 days. I know other posters have experienced similar as I've posted about this before.

It faded in time. One thing which someone said on here which really helped was "You don't owe him anything." And it's true - I didn't and I don't. He took so much from me in that relationship and I gave and gave and gave. The thing is, no matter how much you give to people like this it will never be enough. You have to accept at some point that you have given all you can and try to cut yourself off from them and accept that you don't owe them a single thing any more.

How long has it been since you split, if you don't mind me asking?

What do you feel guilty about? Genuinely? Do you believe anything he said or support anything he did? He seems like an arse of the very highest order.

Are you sure you're ready for a new relationship after suffering so much abuse? I don't mean that as any criticism of you or your new dp, but I think you need to consider whether you need to get some help to process what you've been through. It's what no-one should suffer in a lifetime.

Thank you all. I should make clear, I left almost two years ago, have been with new man (very, very different)since.

I have been in counselling since and had a major breakthrough yesterday - Psychologist thinks I'm suffering post-traumatic stress. I left my home very suddenly and went back twice to collect some of my stuff, the divorce is almost finalised, but he's still living there (now actively looking for somewhere else, I'm told).

I have made a new life, but at times I still feel terribly guilty, terribly responsible, but I'm realising that the feeling of responsibility is what he 'brainwashed' me to feel.

I guess I just need to keep on reinforcing (and having reinforced) that he was a lazy, abusive wanker and that although I hurt him very badly by leaving, he hurt me consistently over a long time.

No, I don't support or agree with any of his attitudes. But when I get drawn into some of the negative thinking and guilt thinking, I start thinking perhaps I made it all up!

The list I've written comes from me writing down a 'two colum' list:

Colum one - his attitudes/beliefs (factual)
Colum two - my counter attitudes/beliefs (also factual)

I suppose it's my way of showing myself that there are so many deal breakers in there and that there is no way an outsider looking in would want that life!

but I feel kind of shit about myself having lived like that for so long - kind of sad for my old self.

PS: my new fella is Mr Right for me :) I am going to have his children :) We are blissfully happy, and he has NONE of the habits or attitudes that I find so abhorrent, quite the opposite, he is kind and caring and sharig and supportive (and handsome and sexy ).

why feel guilty? surely he's still got his skunk / porn / aliens / feelings of entitlement and persecution?

you are so well rid it is not even worth thinking about.

sorry to hear about the ptsd. hope you are getting good help with that.