is this normal, mummies boy???

[bananacustard]

Have been with dp 5 years we have 1 daughter aged 2.5
The problem is his mum, she is his priority not us, his dad died 1 year before we met, dp was still living at home so he feels guilty about leaving his mum in her own, he is 30 now!!!

He goes to his mums house on his work break, stays there after a night shift. if he stays with us he rings her before bed to make sure she is ok,
if he goes away on trip he goes to her before coming home to us(the one time he came to us she went mad)
i just dont feel we are his priority, he has never spent weekend with us without going to her house,
We are not a proper family which i want to be, when i was pregnant i tried to say to him he needs to come to us after work not her, and he said you cant expect me to go past mums without going in,

Should i call it a day on the relationship because i dont think he will change because of the circumstances(dad dying) and i feel she will always be priority, and this causes loads of resentment from me, and makes me resent dp, of course i love him but i want to be priority in someones life not 2nd best

and she doesnt like me obviously because i am a threat to her relationship with him, her only function in life is to look after him, she doesnt really have a life and relies on dp, for everything, he has to take her everywhere, hairdressers, shopping, bank etc

[FrightfullyPoshFloss]

She should never let that happen. I think you have been a saint for putting up with that for so long. I don't say this lightly, but I'd be out of there. Perhaps, it might shake him up to realise what are his priorities. And if not, make him realise when he meets someone else that he can't treat her in the same way and actually make a proper go of his relationship, rather than letting his mother life her life through him. I am very sorry you are in this situation.

[bananacustard]

i just really truly dont think he will change for me or anyone else, i offered him a way out of it, i have own house etc, but he just seems to be unable to let go, his dad said to him before he died to look after his mum, (he had nasty accident on a building site but lived for 3 weeks after it happened)
She just makes demands after demands on him, so i feel i cant because he gets so much pressure from her, like i said i fell so resentfull to it all, and long to be someones priority

[madmummyof2]

have you tried being a bit sneaky??

you will never get anywhere going at it like abull in a china shop. as you have said her life revolves around her son and if she has nothing else to fill her time she is probably lonely and wants what is left of her family around her.

try making frewinds with MIL. start taking her out with you, go to bingo with her, that sort of thing. try and help her to find freinds of her own so that she will not rely on her son for companionship.
they will always have a close relationship and to be fair you will have known this when you met him.

dont try and change the person, just the actions.

good luck

[bananacustard]

she does have a few close friends who invite her out but she rarely goes...

At the beginning i used to take her shopping so dp didnt have to do it, but then she turned on me when i became pregnant, and said things like i wont leave dp alone and always want him to be doing things for me.. which wasnt true...

[KristinaM]

banana - I agree with you, i think Dp's behaviour is unreasonable. i'm sorry his mother lost her husband but that doesn't give her the right to wreck her son's relationship.

My MIL is also a very difficult woman. She has 5 children, all in their 30s and 40s and regularly falls out with them because they wont let her control their lives. She has alreday broken up her daughters marriage - now my SIL is on her own with 5 kids and MIL is happy because she is dependent on her.

She would be just as demanding with the othersif they allowed her to be.But they are not prepared to let her come befroe their own partners/kids

Sounds like you are not happy to leave things the way they are . Would you consider going for counselling with your DP? If he wont go, you coudl go alone. Atleast it woudl help you work out what you want for yourself and your child, if your partner is not willing to change.

[bananacustard]

he would definately never be able to say no to her he would feel to guilty, but my family has to suffer because of this,

I wanted him to go to counselling, so someone else would tell him its not normal behaviour, because when it comes from me i just sound jeliousa and unreasonable, i have been to counselling on my own, and she made me do a list of what i want, be priority etc, and she said do you think this is unreasonable to expect, i said no but its a lot to expect form him, she has tried to make me see that i deserve this, and if he cant give it then he should go,
At the moment i feel like i am settling for second best because i feel its all i deserve, i have low self esteem, but this doesnt help with that when she comes first.....
I need to get to a place where i feel better about my self....

[bananacustard]

sounds silly but its the little things that annoy me, like when dd was born he wanted to go out and wet babies head, so i stayed at my mums, he went out then went home to his mums, then didnt turn up next day till 11.30 in morning

[KristinaM]

My Dh feels guilty all the time and i suspect his siblings do as well. But his mother is one of those people for whom its never enough. If he was round there every night she woudl want him at lunchtimes as well ( like your DP)!!!!

I admire you for going to counselling alone - its hard isnt it, i did it in a previous relationship years ago. Sounds like the counsellor suggested that your demands are NOT unreasonable. Is your Dp unwilling to change in any way? Would he not even go to talk about it with a neutral person?

[KristinaM]

Banana - thats NOT a little thing !! I woudl be furious

[KristinaM]

Are you saying that he is totally unwilling to go to counselling to talk about this? That he wont make the slightest effort to fix your relationship?

[madmummyof2]

hmm its a toughy.
i certainly dont think him disapearing when your dd was just bron is silly or little though.

you have every right to feel devalued and angry.

under normal circumstances i would suggest leaving for a few days so that he can appreciate how much he misses you. it would give him space to decide where his laylties should be and give you the chance to explain why you feel teh way you do,

sadly i feel his mother woul liek this and start filling his brain with " you see i told you she would leave, the only one you can trust is me" sort of babble.


she sounds a bit Kathy bates almost lol.
to be honet i amnot sure what to advise, but you do have my most sincere sympathies....and to think i was nearly on her side!!

[kuoni]

Does Dh have any siblings? If so, what do they think about it and can you have a quiet word, maybe phrasing it carefully to suggest that you are concerned that she is becoming very insular and shunning her friends, leaning on Dh heavily etc rather than the fact that you want him home.
As for popping in everytime he passes her door - yes that is unreasonable. He has a home, a partner and a child. He should be making you all his priority every time. Why isn?t he going home, seeing you all for an hour and then maybe once or twice a week taking DD with him to see nanny for half an hour before dinner?
Sounds like he needs help dealing with his grief. Maybe his grief is manifesting itself in feeling that he needs to compensate your mum by stepping into his shoes. Someone needs to help him understand that he is not his dad, he can support her and be her son in other ways. This behaviour is not normal and sounds like she may be playing on his guilt and feelings of having to step up to fill dad?s shoes and putting on the emotional blackmail.
Whether you are able to lay it on the line and confront him with this or whether he would listen more to a friend or even professional counselling, only you and him will know.
If you sit back and do nothing, your understandable resentment could effect your relationship permanently. As there is a child involved, even more reason to try to deal with this tricky problem fully.
My mil is a witch, but lives so far away we don?t have this problem - or I could see it being an issue for us too. Loads of sympathy xx

[KristinaM]

Agree with you MM2, thats just what happenend with my SIL. When things were difficult in her marriage, MIL constantly interfered, presuaded her to leave, said all that stuff about " see i was right, he is no good " etc. Prety big deal after 12 years together and 5 kids.

Now MIL supports her daughter financially in exchange for controlling her life. Dont knwo where this leave the 5 kids who never get to see their dad . Or how she will cope if SIL meets someone else

[bananacustard]

he isnt willing to change in any way, he has to go there everyday... and stays there quite a lot. he is also a retained firefighter, and her house is nearer to station so if bleeper goes off he is closer if he is there, i have offered to move, but nothing really comes of it

[KristinaM]

sorry, he doesnt have to go there every day, he chooses too. The nearer the station bit is just a lot of crap, sorry.

I dont know what to say, if my Dh was totally unwilling to do anything to save our marriage, I woudl be devastated. So he thinks you should either put up with things the way they are , or leave? Do you want to leave? The relationship I mean? I assume that if you split up you shoudl stay and he shoudl move out.

[acnebride]

ooch bananacustard. you sound really sad about this and i can see why. wish I could see an answer but I can't. I wd say try and stay with it, because at least he is a caring person, but he is not doing much of that caring with you.

The only thing you might consider is the old counselling route of just telling him how the way he acts makes you feel, rather than trying to change specifics of what he does. But it sounds like you may already be doing that.

extreme solution of nightmares - sell both houses and live all together!

[acnebride]

sorry that assumed you both own houses.

[hunkerpumpkin]

There is only one actual child in all of this - your DD.

Sadly, there are two others - you would appear to be the only proper adult.

I would sit him down, tell him how it's making you feel, and explain that unless he starts to act like a dad to your DD and a partner to you, rather than a slave to his mother, you will be leaving him.

I'm really sorry you're going through this

[bananacustard]

Thanks for all your comments....

I agree with you i dont think this will ever change, he does have a brother who does a few things for her but he managed to cut the apron strings before the dad died...which my dp didnt...

He also pays for lots of things for her (the more i write the more ridicolous it sounds) he pays a lot of her bills by direct debit, which frustrates me....

I am basically on my own at the moment anyway, If i go out during the day he will go there, he wont stay here and get stuff done, then he will phone to see if i am home,

This is embarassing to admit!!!!

[bananacustard]

The reason i posted was to get other opinions to find out if i am just being heartless etc

[KristinaM]

Well I dont think you are being heartless at all. His behaviour sounds unreasonable to me. But teh importatnt thing is what you think and feel. If you are not happy, you need to do something. i dont think he will change without a push as the situation obviously suits him as it is.

[edam]

No, don't think you are being heartless. Your dh is not acting normally. Does he understand that if he carries on like this he will lose his own child? Because you can't put up with this for ever.

Is his mother infirm or frail?

[bananacustard]

no she isnt frail, she is 60, but i can see it getting worse the older she gets she will become more demanding on him and his time, if thats at all possible.....!!

[Nightynight]

gosh bananacustard, it sounds like one of those situations that you cant believe its so bad until you see it all written down.

you are definitely not being unreasonable. hope you can take up one of the suggestions here, eg counselling, to help your dp reduce his addiction to mum.