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Original poster

My boyfriend does not want a baby

28 replies

ladylola24 · 03/03/2011 13:53

I just found out I was pregant on Friday. My boyfriend is 42 and I am 39. He says that he cannot do it, and I knew how he felt about children. We were not using contraception, he knew I would like a kid, but now he is blaming me for being pregnant. I feel very let down, and pretty scared about going it alone. Anyone else had anything similar?

OP posts:
twolittlemonkeys · 03/03/2011 13:59

Nope, but we discussed all these things very early on, so if DH hadn't wanted children that would have been it for us. I have to ask though, if you weren't using contraception (knowing he didn't want kids!), what did you expect to happen?

twolittlemonkeys · 03/03/2011 14:00

Sorry didn't mean that to sound as harsh as it probably did. I would be terrified in your position. Both people should take responsibility for contraception, so if he's blaming you when he didn't use a condom that's a pretty childish reaction on his part.

TallulahDoesTheHula · 03/03/2011 14:01

Did he know that you werent using contraception?

Original poster
ladylola24 · 03/03/2011 14:02

I can't go on the pill for medical reasons, he was well aware that I was not using any contraception. Neither was he. We were using the rhythm method. So I feel that he is equally responsible and should accept that.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 03/03/2011 14:05

did he know you weren't using contraception? Did he at any point ask you?

I hate to say it, but at your age this is probably it option wise. I think you have to decide what's important to you - being a mother or being with this man. Sounds like you can't have both, and if you abort and stay with him, do you think your relationship will survive that?

Going it alone will be very hard, do you have a good network of friends and family? Do you have a job that could support you?

cabbageroses · 03/03/2011 14:06

You knew your BF didn't want a child- and so did he- but you both carried on regardless?

MollieO · 03/03/2011 14:06

Ds was an accident. His father blamed me. During my pregnancy he veered between not wanting any involvement to coming to scans. He wasn't there at the birth and the only time he saw his son was when Ds was ten days old and we went to register the birth. Ds was very poorly in NICU having been born prem.

I'd be lying if I said it has been easy. It hasn't. My life with a child bears little resemblance to the life I had before (I had Ds when I was 39). There is still part of me who misses that . However the life I have now is interesting in a different way. Ds is nearly 7 and is bright, funny and a real joy to know.

Good luck.

adelaidegirl · 03/03/2011 14:06

I agree- if he felt that strongly then he should have done something a bit more concrete about contraception. It is a bit unfair to blame you entirely!

I guess the first question now is do you want a baby? Try and avoid making the decision based on what HE wants- if you have an abortion and he walks out the door anyway would you still feel you made the right decision?

I am afraid I can't offer any personal experience but good luck with whatever you decide x

iskra · 03/03/2011 14:08

It is still early days - he might just be readjusting his idea of the future...

FakePlasticTrees · 03/03/2011 14:08

oh, x posts - so he didn't want to use contraception and is surprised you're pregnant? Does he know where babies come from? FFS - he didn't wear a condom, he knew the risks he was taking.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 14:08

He knew you weren't using contraception but blames you for getting pregnant.

Hun, he isn't a boyfriend, he's a knob.

Don't have an abortion for the sake of a man, there are billions of them in the world.

If you want a termination, by all means do, but not to keep a moron like this.

cabbageroses · 03/03/2011 14:09

I think you have both been lying to yourselves.
You took a chance- maybe hoping you would become PG and that if you did he would suddenly switch on his paternal feelings and be happy.

he wanted sex and was not prepared to go out and buy condoms- or use them anyway- and was hoping you wouldn't conceive.

I don't feel itis ethical to tie a man down to fatherhood if he really doesn't want it.

You have to decide if you want his baby or not.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 14:11

At 42, if he really didn't want any children, he should have had a vasectomy or used condoms every time.

He tied himself down/sank his own ship by being immature and irreponsible.

BitOfFun · 03/03/2011 14:12

I think you just have to get on with it really and make it clear to him that he is at least financially responsible, plus the child has some right to contact with him. That's if you are going ahead with the pregnancy, which you really should if you want a baby ever. Last chance saloon and all that. What a prick he's being though- have you got family and friends who can support you emotionally through this?

MadamDeathstare · 03/03/2011 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaffacake79 · 03/03/2011 14:23

Contraception is a joint responsibility so I'm not sure how he thinks he can blame you. Not like you made him have a shag is it?!

If he's still adamant that he wants no children then you have to face up to a really hard decision. Taking your age into account makes it even harder.

Being a single parent is hard work, there's no way around it, but if you've got a good support network of friends and family then you will manage and perhaps even enjoy it!

Original poster
ladylola24 · 03/03/2011 14:26

No way I am having an abortion. I absolutely hold my hands up that I wanted a baby, but I think that he knowing this and having carried on with his devil may care attitude should take some responsibility. He is texting me alot and tells me that he loves me, but I saw him the other day and it was too upsetting. Lets hope he comes round but I am taking the stance that he will not. However I do think having behaved the way he has, he is financially responsible for the baby (bar miscarriage). I think cabbage and roses that ethics are not always clear cut when human nature comes into play. I also think that it is sad that someone that you have been involved with for over a year and who purports to love you can show so little support. Basically he needs to grow up and I guess that is hitting home hard now. I don't have family to support me, I live in Ireland, they are scattered. But I have great friends, and a gay house mate, who is dying to have a baby!!! May yet be a very modern family :)

OP posts:
bullet234 · 03/03/2011 14:30

"I don't feel itis ethical to tie a man down to fatherhood if he really doesn't want it."

And if the man knows that the woman he is having sex with is not using any contraception, then it is up to him to sort out his own contraception if he doesn't want children.

cestlavielife · 03/03/2011 14:36

" But I have great friends, and a gay house mate, who is dying to have a baby!!! May yet be a very modern family "

then carry on as you are; preapring for your baby -build a good support network.

dont pressure your P.

if he decides he wants involvement later on then tackle that.

you can also tackle finaical responsibility later on - thru CSA if needs be...

goosey123 · 03/03/2011 14:43

At 35 I got pregnant by accident (withdrawal method...), boyfriend wasn't sure he wanted kids, and I had a very dodgey first few weeks of pregnancy and was psyching up to go it alone. Then he just seemed to get used to idea, we moved along, and 3 years later have had a second baby. I found if I expected nothing from him, then when he did show support or interest it was a bonus. Sounds crap I know but actually its worked out really well. And support from friends is so valuable. Good luck.

Original poster
ladylola24 · 03/03/2011 14:50

Thanks thats good to know

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 03/03/2011 14:54

I hope he comes round to the idea but I am still stumped to see how , when you were both in a long term relationship , and one of you wanted kids and the didn't, you were not using contraception. It's not like a one-night stand.

Did you never talk about the possibility of pregnancy together?

systemsaddict · 03/03/2011 14:56

Think people are being a bit harsh on OP here, who has said they were using the rhythm method. This is a recognised method of contraception - OK it's not one of the most reliable ones, but then neither are condoms. It isn't just throw your hands in the air and hope nothing happens.

Good luck OP, whatever happens, and congratulations! (and I love the sound of your broody gay housemate Grin)

nickelbabe · 03/03/2011 14:57

yes, he has to take responsibility for his actions, and yes, he might come round, but he might not.

It's good that you have support from friends (and your housemate!), and you definitely need to keep that up, because if he doesn't change his mind, you'll be on your own.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/03/2011 15:31

He may come round. My DS' dad did (he wasn't my partner at the time, just a FWB) and is now a very committed loving dad. In our case, we were careless over contraception but I was fairly sure I wasn't fertile (aged 39, history of gynae problems).
However, he may not, but it sounds as though you have support from other people so can manage fine without him.
If you have decided to continue your PG which it sounds like you have - congratulations and good luck BTW - you may want to keep the bloke away for the time being or at least tell him that he's to lay off trying to pressure you into terminating; you;ve made your choice and you don't want him upsetting you. it's a matter of leaving the door open for him to have a change of heart but not bothering about him too much ie don't let his attitude spoil your PG for you.