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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband doesn't last very long these days.

26 replies

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 12:55

That's it really. Our sex life has always been fine but for the past couple of months he tends to last no more than a few minutes. I'm getting frustrated.

Which of the following make a difference

more sex!
more sleep
him being fairly unfit these days.
any other ideas

Tips please!

OP posts:

rollinginthedeep · 03/03/2011 12:58

How often do you do it?

rollinginthedeep · 03/03/2011 12:59

Only because I was going to suggest to go without for a week or so and then have a shagfest!

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 13:05

Well it depends. Sometimes it can be a few weeks but normally it's once a week, maybe twice.

Am trying to make an effort to instigate it more but it's frustrating.

OP posts:

Malificence · 03/03/2011 13:14

All of the above will have an effect.

Is sex getting a bit samey, a bit routine?
If it is then try something different, positions etc. Stretch things out with lots of oral/whatever.

I've come to think that the standard sex therapy advice of making sure the woman orgasms first is a load of rubbish - he's got absolutely no incentive to last longer for one thing plus orgasms make you very tight for a while afterwards .

Find the position that he lasts the longest in and work from there, lots of lube too, for less friction.

It just needs a bit of effort to overcome, simply having sex for a few days on the trot might sort him.

rollinginthedeep · 03/03/2011 13:14

its not your fault but agree that you both need to talk about it and see if there are any other issues with him.

maybe nudge him to see the GP

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:17

money this was being discussed on embarrassing bodies recently - did you see it? There were lots of tips but I can't remember what they were - sorry - so it might be worth having a look at channel 4's website.

Can you think of any other changes in your H's lifestyle, stress, whatever, that could have contributed to this problem? I'm just wondering why it would suddenly start happening when it's previously been ok. Did it happen once for whatever reason, and he was so mortified and stressed out by it that he's fixated on it and made it into a problem? Maybe also if he knows how frustrating you're find it, that also piles on the pressure and makes it worse?

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 13:17

Well it is a bit routine but have made efforts to change things a little. Very difficult with 2 under 5s though, not like he can suddenly take me over the dishwasher .

The catch 22 is the more foreplay, the less time it seems to last and the more I really want it too!

OP posts:

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 13:19

We are both tired and DH's work is stressful.

I also think I may have teased him about it at some point . DS1 was asking if Daddy was like Superman and I made a 'faster than a speeding bullet' remark.

(hangs head)

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:19

Sorry - I meant 'you're finding it'

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:23

ooh that was very naughty money - I think you need to try and show H how much this isn't a reflection on him personally. Men can have hugely fragile egos on anything sex or willy related - saying that probably cut him a bit. Don't want to be mean; we've all said things we shouldn't at some time, but I think you need to be very careful when making jokes about a mans 'performance'

Nothing that a good ego-massage can't sort out though I wouldn't have thought...

Malificence · 03/03/2011 13:25

After the foreplay, does he just get carried away and go for it without any build up IYSWIM?

The average length of time a man lasts during full on penetrative sex is around 3-4 minutes, if he's just jack hammering away then you need to slow him down, get on top and do him really slowly, don't let him start thrusting, he needs to learn to relax by the sound of it.

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 13:28

I've tried that but it doesn't make a difference Malificence (although nearly spat my tea out at 'jackhammering'!)

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:29

Nothing wrong with a bit of jack hammering

onehotmomma · 03/03/2011 13:32

I have this problem with DH. We found a cock ring helped. Also when it's starts to feel 'nice' for him get him to pull out and wait about 20 secs before putting it back in and so on until you are nearly 'there'

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 13:33

OHM, how did you introduce the cock ring without saying 'darling, I think you need one of these'

OP posts:

Malificence · 03/03/2011 13:35

If he's stressed and tired then that's most likely the main issue, if you are having sex at bedtime then he probably (subconciously) just wants to get it over with so he can sleep.

You could try a cock ring, or there are delay creams and condoms as well. At the weekend you could always try a morning session, then another one at night? Does he last longer if he's had a couple of drinks?

onehotmomma · 03/03/2011 13:36

lol we looked up online together things that would help delay him as he was getting fed up with it too. He was the one that bought it

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:37

Ha ha! You can buy 'gift sets' for men in places like Anne Summers, Lovehoney, etc, with all different little 'toys' in, and the cock ring is just one of them!

So you can just buy the set as a little treat as you love him soooooo much. Obviously then you will want to try everything out (and he will too hopefully!). Just don't be too obvious and pick the cock ring to 'try out' first

Malificence · 03/03/2011 13:40

I noticed that the Durex love ring was half price in Morrisons this morning. So was the feel lube.

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 13:42

Ha! Morning sex is but a distant dream since DS1 climbs into our bed at some point in the night.

The gift boxes sound like a good idea though.

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 03/03/2011 13:47

Malificence I don't think the Durex thing is worth the money, even at half price. I bought one once and H couldn't even get it over the end (sorry if TMI). And he's not THAT big

TeiTetua · 03/03/2011 16:44

Once you have trouble about sex, it all becomes a psychological problem that automatically makes the trouble worse. It's very hard to get back to just enjoying it.

If dh were a hot-blooded young lad, the answer might be, get him to come twice. The first time would be speedy, but the waiting time for the second would be short too, and the second round would be more relaxed. Quick sex to begin might be OK if you're certain there'd be more! Or you could use mouth or hand, whatever you prefer, for the first helping, and the in-between time for some action the other way. Of course the main thing is that it's going to be loving and fun the whole way through.

But if he's not in very good physical shape, or takes too long to recover, maybe that's not a possibility.

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 16:57

No, twice isn't really an option, unless I wait til the next evening

OP posts:

TeiTetua · 03/03/2011 17:09

Sorry. Well, it works for some people.

Original poster

moneydunce · 03/03/2011 17:22

I appreciate the advice Tei. Maybe once early evening and once at bedtime would work (I'm back to the dishwasher)

OP posts:

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