Worried about friend- possible abuse, help please!

[ShushBaby]

A good friend has recently got together with a new guy. It's all very exciting, love/lust at first sight, can't-live-without-you stuff. They have been together about a month.

I have never met him but her descriptions rang alarm bells for me from the off. Apparently he's very "alpha" and "animal"; has to always be right; likes to be physically in control (eg has to have his arm round her in bed, not the other way round, because "she's the girl"). Seemingly he's very charismatic and charming, good looking and hunky, very highly sexed. He lives quite a chaotic life- eg when they met, not only did he have no sheets on the bed, he didn't even own any sheets. He frequently forgets to eat/sleep and blacks out. He split up with his last girlfriend because he apparently laid into her verbally so badly one day, she left him. He tells my friend that (despite "never having felt like this before" about my friend) he still misses his ex. He tolf my friend that if she slept with another man he would kill him then rape her on his corpse... this was a joke obviously, apparently he has a hilarious warped sense of humour.

This all made me feel... icky. But I wasn't sure whether I was being judgemental because he didn't sound like my type. Or maybe even a bit because she's so swept up in this guy whilst I am in a long term relationship in the throes of baby-rearing.

But now she tells me that the other night he set out to find her "dark side", probing and pushing to find out her dark secrets/hidden traumas. She said he "scratched and scratched" until finally she "caved" and burst into tears, talking about some difficult things from her childhood and getting really upset.

Apparently he hugged her to comfort her, this turned into sex which then became extremely rough and violent. She didn't tell me whether she told him stop, but told me she "couldn't do anything to stop him".

The next day he was "really messed up" and in tears, and couldn't even look at her when he said sorry.

To me he sounds dangerous. My friend asked (not really wanting an answer I suspect) whether she is falling into the "battered wife" pattern. But then she says "maybe it needed to happen" (I've no idea what she means by this).

I have no idea what to do/say.

I'm aware that by taking the wrong tack I could
a) Make her very defensive of him/their relationship, drive her away from me and make it less likely she'll confide in me in future.
b) Feed into her sense of high drama- she likes to involve lots of people in her problems and seems to like the idea of people angsting about her. I can very easily see how she could construct a sort of tortured/passionate/fiery love affair narrative around this new guy, with lots of tears, rows and passionate make ups, and him as the troubled/flawed but totally in love hero-villain.

What I want her to see (if this is indeed the case) is that he is a twat, not that he is some kind of tortured love god man-child who she can change. I don't want to glamourise this situation. I don't know what to do, if anything.

But I wonder if I'm being too black and white about this. She has told me they like to be rough in the bedroom, and as I said she is prone to drama so maybe she was complicit in the "dark side" stuff.

My instinct tells me this is not the case and she should run for the hills.

What do you think/what would you do?

I won't be online now until tomorrow morning, so please don't think I've run away. Any help would be much appreciated.

you have never met him.
maybe it is all a fantasy.
but she is an adult.

all you can do is say

"this does not sound good. my honest reaction is yes he is an abuser and you should stop the relationship now. I am here for you whenever you need me"

that is frightening to just read. i am sorry i don't know what you can do but i absoloutely share your concern.

he sounds like a psycho. i'd be worried if my friend was in this situation too.

agree with the above comments

Or you could tell her, honey sounds like you have some past issue unresolved and maybe you should talk to somebody (a pro) about it and leave it out from this (herrr) brand new relationship, surely he is in no position or fit state to help

He sounds like a phycopath to be honest . I would state your concerns once and leave it at that . If she is , as you say someone who enjoys high drama you may need to set some boundarys with her or youll be on the receiving end of constant phone calls about the latest drama which will leave you feeling upset and angry.

A freind of mine is high drama and it can be exhausting. She lurches from one romantic disaster to the next , often openly seeking out the biggest tosser / abuser / married man ect. She admits she enjoys the drama and is probably addicted to it .

After supporting her for years ive finally had enough , every phone call / meeting is about her and the latest absurd event . I feel like a witness , or an acter in her play , i now refuse to take part as i find it upsetting and im experiencing it by proxy . Hopefully your freind will see sense and get rid of him.

You sound like you've got a good handle on it. I think you need to be clear that this behaviour is stepping over a line, but to avoid feeding drama, you need to keep your comments brief and matter-of-fact. "Sorry, x, he sounds like a bit of a twat/wanker/loser to me". Yes, she might stop telling you things, but tbh, if she gets deeper into this relationship, that will probably happen anyway.

That sounds like a massive red flag. But you will probably have to tread very carefully not to alienate her if you say somehting.

Its lovely that you are concerned and are aware of the potential problems in order to support her

He sounds vile but if your friend is a drama llama then she won't be told. SHe'll be enjoying the ups and downs and convinced that she's Speshul and therefore the Only One Who Can Save Him.
NT is right, point out that he sounds like a knob (one good way to play it is to act as though you find him rather silly rather than Mr Sinister Dark Side), tell her you're there for her but don't let her drag you in when it all starts going horribly wrong eg you don't want her as a weekly weeping fixture on the sofa saying she's left him then going back the next morning again and again.

He sounds like someone I used to out with . Utterly exhausting. She is an adult though all you can do is be supportive and NOT in anyway get drawn into drama etc which just feeds the situation and may create a tedious us against the world scenario . As I get older I do find myself losing patience with women that see anything attractive in this type of scenario you are an adult woman not a 14 year old in search of Heathcliff fgs.

This sounds terrible and if it was my daughter I would lock her in to stop her seeing him tbh.

While no one deserves to be abused by a partner, some people do seem to seek out trouble and refuse to walk away from it. That strand of popular culture which romanticizes the wonderful-loving-woman/abusive-but-passionate-man crap doesn't help, though most women do grow out of it.
Ultimately, your friend has to decide for herself when she's had enough of this. Just like no one else can persuade an addict/alcoholic to stop drinking or pursuing whatever his/her addiction is until the addict decides for him/herself that enough is enough, you can't convince someone that a new partner is a waste of oxygen unless and until the person decides for him/herself that the bad points of the partner and the relationship massively outweight the good.

SGB, drama llama - love it

For real ? ? ?

Thanks so much for all the replies. I think I'm going to have to be quite honest with her, without over-dramatising the situation. Something along the lines of "I have to say his behaviour sounds pathetic to me, but I've never met him. I'm sure you won't stand for any more of this sort of thing".

She's a fabulous, vivacious and strong-minded person who has never been afraid to stand up for herself. I want her to stay that way.