My mum and dd again! They are driving me crazy!

[Ormirian]

They still refuse to consider moving!
I've mentioned this on here before. They will be 80 this year. They have health problems - mum has kidney problems, high blood pressure ad arthritis, dad had a heart bypass and valve replacement in 2009. They have a large house and a 3 acre garden set in a valley so that it's mostly on a steep slope.

I have been trying to gently persuade them to move since dad was ill. I want them to move neare to me (we are 20 miles away) to a bungalow with a smaller flatter garden where they can get to the shops without lways using the car. But there is always a reason not to - now they reckon they won't get enough for the house. But whatever they buy will be cheaper too and where we live is cheaper than where they do anyway.

Dad has been getting a bit 'vague' recently. They went away to my DBs for the weekend and DB rang me to say how worried he was about dad - both he and mum reckon he might have had a mild TIA. Dad refuses to go the GP - he told mum he was going to make an appointment but didn't. She's worried and doing eveything around the house. She's exhausted, dad is sleeping all the time!

To cap it all their JRT is on his last legs, and weeing everywhere - it's horrible. The house stinks of dog wee but dad won't have him PTS in spite of the fact he's blind and deaf.

I am at my wit's end! What can I do? I physically cannot be there all the time. I work and I've got 3 DC. I can't be there helping as much as they need.

I know it doesn't help you but I can see why he won't move. His home will be an important part of his life...its where his memories are. A very high number of elderly die very shortly after a home move because of the trauma. (sorry )

You will need to convince them to move or speak to the GP about home visit options.

Not much help really and I understand how you feel

Oh I know coconuts it upsets me to think of them leaving. It was my childhood home. In some ways I want them to stay - the dc love visiting them there, there are so many memories and associations for me too. But they are too infirm to enjoy the countryside - steep hills all round. The garden is becoming a chore not a joy.

I read a book recently that said no one does anything when the pain/stress level is 9 out of ten it has to be 10/10 before you make a change.

You have to let them get on with it until they reach the conclusion you've already come to. And no it's not easy doing that.

In a way if you pulled back and didn't help them (because let's face it 3DC and a job and a home to run is a full time occupation anyway) they might reach that conclusion sooner.

I know that this is maybe not a papltable answer but our experience with two sets of parents is that nothing really changes until there is a crisis.

Its a nightmare dealing with serious change when it happens, but trying to persuade elderly parents to take a different route at the moment only increases your stress.

Save your energy for when things do fall apart. You will need all your energy then.

Sorry its not very uplifting.

TBH, as others have said-it´s up to them.

Re the dog-it isn´t solely your Dad´s decision, is it?

And your mum being exhausted-surely she doesn´t need to keep all of the house in tip top condition all of the time?

20 miles isn´t that far-how far is your brother?

I do know what you mean though.

My Dad is in his 80s & will not move from the house that he worked hard to buy, that he has lived in since he married & that we were brought up in.

To move would be "failing" somehow.

Forgot to say-it must be awful having your children telling you what to do.

Would they consider a smaller property where they are?

Thanks all.

diddl - the house isn't in tip-top condition at all. LOL at the very thought I got my 'oh it'll do' gene from her. It's the garden - their pride and joy that takes most of their energy. And the fact that they always have a 'proper' cooked meal every day - never just beans on toast or soup.

The dog - of course it's down to both of them re dog but it's a symbol of so much to dad - I think he sees himself in the animal - old, failing fast, losing faculties.....

As for telling them what to do..... don't make me laugh! I'd get very short shrift if I tried.

DB lives in N Wales, we're in Somerset. 20 miles isn't a long way but when dad was in hospital I used to spend 30mins driving to him, stayed with his until visiting hours ended, then drive to their home to see mum (another 30 mins) and spend time with her, and then drive home. And then he was moved to Bristol I was exhausted and didn't really see my family very much at that time. I live in dread of a repeat performance.

fluffy and alldownhill - I am just dreading what the next crisis will be. I thought dad's op would have been it TBH. It was sudden, unexpected and dramatic and scared both of them terribly (not to mention me!)

I guess the answer I am getting is to just leave it. And that is all I can do. And worry a lot.