It's so hard losing a friend

[MrsFruitcake]

I'm finding it hard not to dwell on this.

Two friends have recently 'dropped' me and I don't know why.

It makes me feel like I am too toxic to know, when really, I think I am kind, caring and always responsive to friend's needs.

I do have a few friends, but only one or two who I would say are close.

The two who I don't see these days are a friend from schooldays and a mum from DD's school. The schoolfriend told me we had nothing in common anymore just before Christmas and the other one just doesn't respond to my texts or emails anymore, which is hard as her DD is best friends with my DD and they go dancing together on a Sat morning. We used to take in turns to pick each other and the girls up, take them dancing and then pop for a coffee while that was happening but it's stopped now and I don't know why. Have asked but was fobbed off.

I feel really stupid for worrying about this as I have far more important things to consider at present but it hurts. I do realise I just have to move on though.

"nothing in common anymore?" - how rude! I am 'friends' with people who are very different to me, I have not many real real friends but would never 'drop' anyone, that's awful.

MrsFruitcake, I could have written your post.

Two of my closest friends have just stopped bothering with me - one of them is my DD's godmother. They live a short distance away and have now made other friends and forgotten us, it sounds so childish(!).

I'm afraid I have no advice but can completely empathise, it's so difficult to just let it go and not dwell on it, isn't it?

Had a think about it yesterday and decided that there's nothing to be done apart from move on, find other things to fill life with.

Very though.

When my DC's were little I was 'friends' with the parents of their friends - in that we went to each other's houses for coffee and play dates, sat and chatted at various birthday parties, even had the occasional Mum's night out. Now that they are older (my youngest is 10) they still have lots of the same friends and I still say 'hello' and chat occasionally to those Mums but now they don't need me to collect them from school, accompany them to friend's houses and parties so we've lost touch a bit.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that people do move on as their children move on.
Sorry OP that you're feeling so down about it at the moment and like hariboegg says - they weren't real friends to you in the way they've treat you.
Hope you find some nicer people soon.

Hi, i've been through something similar myself.

I was really great friends with a mom that I met at the school a few years ago. Our children became friends (though not best friends).

My friend's child found a best friend and I was dropped. Friend spends loads of time with the other mom now. I invite friend for coffee now and again and she will occasionaly come but she never invites me to hers anymore. Only texts me if I text her first.

I thought we were really close, she knows more about me than my family. I thought we would be friends forever. I feel really cheated!

I dont think there is anything you can do but move on and try and make new friends.

I will certainly be keeping my guard up in the future!

It's horrible - I've been on the receiving end of this. I've also done it too, and it isn't to do with toxicity, it's more like you get into a friendship that just doesn't feel quite right, and that works both ways - I know in my case it was me feeling unsure about myself as much as unsure about the other person.

And one of the people I've been 'dropped' by has been going through a terrible divorce. Who am I to say she's awful and toxic? She isn't, she has had a hard old time and this is her way of dealing with it. As it goes, it's not a friendship I want to continue, because I don't think total non-contact is something I want to handle (ie the way she did it is the problem) and obviously she couldn't confide in me, which is kind of taken as read in a friendship (though not always). So that's that, but neither of us is a toxic person - it's just life really.

I can totally empathise, its really hard. I have had this happen to me with two friends recently. Both I knew from school. The first kept cancelling me for meet ups (7 times in a row) and when my DD was born she never bothered to text/email/send a card (she is uber organised and good at this). I discovered that it wasn't just me that she had "chucked" and my theory is that its all to do with her husband anyway - he's an eejit and we know too much having flat shared in their early volatile relationship days... Second friend stopped contacting me and I just couldn't work out what I'd done. Then a mutual friend let something slip whilst drunk and I have discovered this so called friend has been bad mouthing my DH in a work context. She's got it all wrong, never bothered to ask us the truth so I'm furious.

What I'm trying to say is that it is most likely that these friends have their own issues and it is not actually you at fault. Try and grow a thick skin, not everyone is as nice as you out there!!

I don't think you should keep yr guard uo esmerdoo, but think you should spread yourself out a bit more. My ds was having friendship problems recently and I have been encouraging him not to keep all his eggs in one basket ! :) he does alot of stuff outside of school so mixes with different people there. He has started going to a new club at school and has made new friends there, and socialising with another boy. It is devastating to be dropped by your only friend, so talk to lots of different people. I have a good friend now who I met at our children' s swimming lessons. I recognised her as the mum of one of the children in my dd's class and started chatting to her, and we have since became close. I keep reminding my ds now to keep his eggs in separate baskets Don't rely too much on one person, as then they can't let you down. Things change, people move.

I had a friend once who kept cancelling, but faking it. So she'd lie about not having written things in her diary (I saw her do it! She borrowed my fucking pen!) and then claim to have double-booked. Or would just say 'oh no I've got you down for next Tuesday, not tomorrow'.

I completely gave up on her flakiness and apparently she's 'sad' about it. I mean you'd have to be an idiot to keep on making plans that get unilaterally fucked up - it's not a friendship, it's a 'fill a hole in my social diary if I haven't had a better offer'. I actually like her quite a bit, she's bright and funny and has lovely kids - but she has no respect. So she can naff off, with knobs on.

as they say, with friends like that who needs enemies?

really sad for you though. maybe it's true you just didn't have much in common anymore but you being the kinder person would have just continued with the friendship out of loyalty? if so, see this as a blessing in disguise. now you can concentrate on making some new friends that have more genuine connection to where you are in life at the moment - or you can strengthen ties with some less close contacts that it might be worth having a closer link to.

of course you aren't toxic to know. you can't really know their true reasons or thoughts so don't waste any time or energy questioning yourself. there are plenty of us feeling a bit isolated socially and looking for new and true friends so don't dwell on those who didn't appreciate you.

Friendships can be as complicated as relationships. I've been the 'dropped' and the 'dropee', both horrid scenarios. Sometimes things sour for unknown reasons and friendship falter and fail. Like breakups they prompt some lengthy introspection, and like breakups you eventually get your head round it and accept that these things just happen from time to time.

I do sympathise, it's not nice atall and you can't help but blame yourself and torture yourself with the 'what have I done'. It's most likely just run it's course.

I am actually trying to lose a friend and it's so hard. We have known each other fifteen years and went out loads in our single days, trips abroad and so on. I have never adored her though. She was good company for pubs and trips but I don't admire her take on life or her morals particularly and found myself drifting further that way when I had my child. I know this sounds bad, it is what it is. She hasn't changed, I have. She is still the party animal, even with a child of her own, and I am not. Our point of reference has changed.

Does that make me toxic? I know I should tell her, she has asked if she has done anything, but I know her well enough that if I did explain we are worlds apart now, she would deny it completely and then want a right old fight. Have neither the energy nor the inclination for it.