how many times to I have to tell you its over?

[Floraofthelake]

I took a long time to make the terrible decision to end my marriage (there are 2 young children envolved) and because there are children involved I am regularly intouch with my ex. He phones at least once a day usually more and texts me as well. Despite the fact that I tried to talk to him many times and even wrote him a letter months before I left he has been very shocked and devestated. It feels like i have to keep telling him our marriage is over, over and over again. I'm not very good at confrontation (my resolve in this issue surprises me but i have seriously had enough) and to keep having to go over why I've left and that this is it, our relationship is over, its so difficult. But I know he is devestated and I hope one day we can be friends - in the circumstances thats the best for the children right? Please tell me it gets easier, friends/family keep saying, imagine yourself a year from now? Its a bit hard right now, pls tell me it gets easier, pls?

Stop talking about it with him. Ignore any texts that aren't about practical matters. IF he phones, either let the answerphone pick up or, if he starts on yet again say 'There's nothing further to discuss' and either change the subject or put the phone down.
A relationship is over when one person decides its over, and the other one basically just has to suck it up. He is not entitled to keep pestering you, so don't let him.

It gets a lot easier.

But it can get easier right away, if you analyse what he's doing.

Apparantly you gave him endless chances to address the problems in his marriage and he chose not to. Only when you left, did he pull out all the emotional blackmail, the "whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it (copyright take that).. I am bewildered, sad, sorrowful, I have no idea why you left me, but see, look how sad I am, you must be a horrible person to let me be this sad, come back to me now and we can carry on as before, with you being unhappy and me not listening to you".

Fuck that.

Keep reminding yourself of all the times you tried to talk to him about how unhappy you were. Keep reminding yourself, that he was content to leave you unhappy. He didn't care that you were unhappy, he didn't care that you were trying to talk to him, because he was all right Jack. And he wishes that things had stayed that way. Because he didn't care about you.

And now he's trying to guilt trip and emotionally blackmail you.

Be angry. That'll stop you feeling sorry for him.

Oh and if you must talk to him you could always say something along the lines of:

"On the 27th September 2003, I told you that I was unhappy because.... xxxx. On the 4th June 2004, I said xxxx. On the 12th March 2005, I let you know that... xxxxx. Each time you ignored me. That's why our marriage is over."

I know that's a bit extreme, but sometimes being reminded of specific conversatons, shuts the whining fuckers up. Because you are pointing out to them, that they had so many chances to save their marriage and chose not to.

He is living with the consequences of his choices. You could point that out to him as well, if you felt like it.

Yes I can quote the dates of the times he hurt me the most, the holidays he spoiled having pointless arguements.
Some of my friends ask why haven't I turned my phone off?
One of my friends suggests compassion and patience.
??

Flora I went through this for five months after I left DH. Like you I had to keep lines open for the DC. It was like Groundhog day.

The day my Ex nervously confessed he had "started dating" was a fantastic relief, especially as he felt uncomfortable and wrong footed after all his "undying love" speeches. I was cheerful and kind and said I wanted him to be happy.

So cross your fingers and wait for someone to distract him and he will then stop pining and leave you alone. Are you sure you want that BTW?

Compassion and patience my arse.

When did he have compassion and patience for you, within his marriage?

You don't owe him compassion or patience. You owe him nothing except civility.

Men like this get away with their appalling behaviour because of this idea that women owe them compassion and patience when they are sad, even though they are sad because of their own choices.