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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So, she's now back with him again.

20 replies

BertieBotts · 01/03/2011 17:55

Friend has gone back to abusive twatface prick partner, she was so close to getting rid of him for good this time. I just want to let off my frustration here, where it's safe and she won't see it. Don't want to rant at her. Am going to see her tomorrow and want to stay supportive.

This is so frustrating!! I wish she could see how much easier her life would be without him. Or that she didn't have to live in fear. Or that he won't be the only person who will ever love her, so she might as well put up with all the shit.

Please remind me of that statistic someone? How many attempts does it take a woman to leave an abusive partner?

OP posts:

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 01/03/2011 18:27

7 isn't it?

lemonstartree · 01/03/2011 19:20

it takes a few. I know.

FWIW the only friends I trusted were those who did not judge... I knew in my heart they did - internally, but not to my face. Increadebly important - hard to do but so valuable to her Give her a hug and smile, and talk about something else - that way you leave the door open for her to discuss with you...

Mamaz0n · 01/03/2011 19:24

I went back time and time again.

Eventually it will click. it will. And the fact that you have been there for her even though you know she is putting herself in harms way will mean a lot.

Its ok to tell her you wished she hadn't, you shouldn't lie, but be supportive of her just the same.

And yes, it is statistically 7 times you attempt before you finally suceed.

JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 01/03/2011 19:35

yep, 7. Hugs to you Bertie because you will probably need it soon when he starts again. for your friend, hope she eventually sees the light.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 01/03/2011 19:52

i guess this is just part of what she needs to go through to process and understand her need to leave. i must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting for you as her friend but take heart that she has at least had one attempt to leave so part of her realises this is not good.

unfortunately she's now listening to the other part that continues to hope things will / can be different. now that her abuse radar is on hopefully the evidence will continue to mount to convince her rational side again.

i just hope she doesn't get irreversibly hurt / damaged in the process.

Original poster

BertieBotts · 01/03/2011 21:51

I know. This is in fact the second or possibly third attempt, although in fact all have been instigated by him, she has seemed to jump at the chance to get out of it. She is getting stronger :) She called the police on him this time, though they were no help at all and probably undermined her confidence more than helping it. She phoned a different agency for help though which is a really big step. Because he's never actually hit her though she seems to be in a grey area regarding help. I know women's aid etc would be helpful but she didn't get through when she tried to phone.

Thanks for the support :) I will talk about other things tomorrow and give her the space to talk about this if she wants to.

OP posts:

Wysiwig · 01/03/2011 22:19

In my experience, a person has only had enough when THEY have had enough. It doesn't matter what you say, what you do, statistics etc..it will only change when they have had enough. I spent 18 years with a man who was, basically, horrible to me. I carried on because..

I loved him
I thought he would change

I won't state the children because he was a useless father (still is). I used to look around at other peoples relationships and hope that mine would be like theirs one day..it wasn't. I knew what I should do but I didn't and no amount of telling would've made me finish it, until....I'D HAD ENOUGH! I really and truly had enough. And it was only then that I had the courage to go through with it. I did it and never looked back. But it took me a long long time to get there..

boxingHelena · 01/03/2011 22:23

you are a good friend BB
would it be right to tell her that she could have that chat anyway with WA or similar when she feels ready just to speak when things are ok-ish and she may feel more in control and clear about what she wants to get out of that talk?

madonnawhore · 01/03/2011 22:25

I did this with my EA ex loads of times. I was like a boomerang - turning up on various friends' doorsteps with all my stuff in a taxi, at midnight, in tears, then two days later I'd be back with him and telling everyone how amazing he was and how much he'd changed.

It must have been so hard for them to see me embarking on such a path of devastation and self-destruction, but they were unbelievably brilliant and never judged or got angry or slagged him off, or told me what to do. They were just there for me. Wiped my tears when it was awful, and told me they'd always be there for me and love me each time I went back to him.

Eventually, finally, I managed to make the permanent break and then they were all like "THANK GOD!! We've been biting our tongues for YEARS!!". But I have to say that they really did handle it in the best way. If they'd have been critical and judgemental and slagged him off, it would have made it more difficult for me to go to them when I needed their help because I would have felt like they'd be angry with me. Their unwavering patience and kindness is the reason I am free and a million times happier today.

You sound like just such a great friend OP, and you are more important to your friend than you know. Hang in there! She'll get there eventually...

pinkstarlight · 01/03/2011 22:46

i think it took me 5 or 6 times before we split for good,looking back i cant believe how many years i wasted on my x .we split and he wouldnt leave me alone he would be full of promises of how he would change,the kids would be upset and he use to wear me down to i took him back.

i had a couple of really fantastic friends who was very supportive it was only after we split for good that i found out how upset they were each time i took him back.i also use to be really close to his sister she use to beg me to leave him thats how bad things were.

Original poster

BertieBotts · 01/03/2011 22:54

That's a good idea Helena :)

Those of you who tried to leave multiple times, how long did it take you in the end? I'm finding it difficult because I left my EA XP on pretty much the first attempt - but then I not only had mumsnet behind me, I had my mum who basically held my hand and helped me find a house and then screened all contact with XP for a few weeks until I felt able to deal with it on my own, so he wasn't able to "get to" me. I recognise I had unusually good support. I'd love to do the same for my friend but I just can't - and as you say she has to be in the right place mentally first.

She did first mention wanting to leave to me a couple of months after I left XP so that would have been a year ago now, or just over. Over the past year we have had lots of chats but I find it really difficult being at her house if he is there. She doesn't get the chance to come over to me much because he won't give her money for the bus, although last time they had a big argument he changed his mind on that and now gives her an "allowance" to spend so she comes more often, or we meet in town.

I've said she's always welcome here overnight but realistically I don't think she could stay long. She has friends within walking distance who she stays with on occasion though so I think she would go there. Sorry, rambling :)

OP posts:

feellikegivingup · 01/03/2011 22:58

Hi 7 rings a bell for me as it took me 7 years to leave but I knew the first time I left through my own choice that I couldn't go back,

A few years before that I did leave the family home but that was because he called my parents to come and get me and my 2 dcs as he had beat the shit out of me, I went back as I wasn't ready to leave myself and was still in shock over what he had done.

The day I left for good I knew I could never go back as if I did then that would be my life forever,

madonnawhore · 01/03/2011 22:58

I am embarrassed to say that it took me about two years and 10 attempts to make the break.

When I found mumsnet that was the catalyst though. Here were all these women who knew exactly what I was going through and could offer loads of support. Once I realised what I was going through was sadly all too common and had a name and a script and COULD BE SURVIVED, then I was out that door.

Does your friend post here?

Original poster

BertieBotts · 01/03/2011 23:19

No, she doesn't post. I have posted a couple of times for her though. She says mumsnet is too judgy and scary also she's dyslexic and really struggles with spelling and thinks nobody will read her post. I keep telling her nobody will be judgemental over this and her spelling wouldn't matter, but she isn't keen, so I just left it in the end.

But yes I know what you mean. Reading so many other people going through the same thing really speeds up that thought process of oh wait, this isn't going to change at all, is it?

OP posts:

madonnawhore · 01/03/2011 23:21

Yes, that's exactly it. A chorus of voices all telling you the same thing. It really drives it home.

Try and get her on here. We'd be happy to welcome her and try to help.

boxingHelena · 01/03/2011 23:29

so true, different protagonists same storyline, sad sad sad
Reading similar stories over here is so painful sometime, people post worrying msg than disappear and leaves you wonder... to what dark place they may have gone back to

Original poster

BertieBotts · 02/03/2011 11:50

We're not meeting up today now. She texted to say she can't. I said ok, are you alright? And she replied "I will be"

So trying not to worry. I sent her another text saying I'm here if she wants to talk. And that I respect her decision to go back to X and I'll always be on her side. Didn't really know what else to say.

OP posts:

JaquiChanFeelsBlue · 02/03/2011 15:37

Bertie, you sound like a great/true friend , always bear in mind that he is probably checking her phone as well .

Original poster

BertieBotts · 02/03/2011 16:17

Yes I am careful about what I say on text. It makes it hard as I hardly see her in person so often I want to say something and I can't.

OP posts:

bristolcities · 02/03/2011 17:12

I cant imagine how hard it must be to support a friend in this position. When all you want to do is shake them and make them see sense. but cant because they will clam up. When i was with my abusive XP I hid the extent of the abuse because deep down I knew I wasn't going to make the break and didn't want people judging or pitying me and i loved him.

Thankfully the Police imposed a restraining order because i never would have done it. Its so reassuring (in a totally selfish way) to hear that it does take 7 ish time, I just assumed I was weak and pathetic.

You sound like a very loyal, caring friend.

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