Struggling

[vic77en]

Dp and I are struggling. We have been together since school and are now in our 30?s. We have one ds who will be 2 in a few months.

Things have been bad for months now. Dp wasn?t happy in his job and moved before Christmas, however is not meeting sales targets and is concerned he may not have a job there in 6 months. I didn?t return to my previous (well-paid) job after maternity leave but have found a part-time role that just covers nursery and travel fees with a little bit left over.

I understand he is stressed at work, I do try to listen to him and support him. I think he resents the time I spend with ds when he is at work; we meet up with friends and go to activities or the park. Have said that if the worst happens, we would both look for full-time work and if I found that first, I would take it and he would then look for something to fit-in around childcare.

When DS was first born, I had a meltdown and ended up on anti-psychotics and sedatives before moving to anti-depressants. DP took care of us both, but struggled at dealing with my depression and would tell me to pull myself together. I?m off the medication now and have a great relationship with DS.

He is good with DS, but can get bored/frustrated when he looks after him alone and he does take time most weekends to go out for a run for an hour or 2, or meet up with friends in the evening.

We don?t have family locally or friends close enough to babysit, so the number of times we have been out together is really low. We have no sex life.

We seem to argue whenever we spend any time together. He says I don?t listen to him or offer any sympathy or support. I do try to, but my way of doing this is to suggest practical things to do, which just seems to infuriate him. I don?t feel that he offers me much emotional support when I need it ? my grandma died last month and he told me that her funeral was on a really inconvenient date as he had a conference to attend.

This morning I criticized him after I asked him to give DS some milk (I was in the shower and DS asked) and he refused as he was in a rush to get to work. I told him it wasn?t on to ignore DS. He said I was unbelievable and slammed the door on me, leaving DS in tears and me to get DS his drink wrapped in a towel. He said I was hell to live with.

I have been having vague fantasies about moving up to near my sister with DS. I think I am emotionally separating from him.

If I bring it up this evening he will say I am over-reacting. He won?t apologise, he will expect me to and we will ignore it and carry on until the next argument.

I don?t know how I would cope as a single parent. I don?t want to move his son away from him. I don?t know if that?s what I want or if the relationship is really over. I don?t know what to do.

It sounds like you're both under a lot of stress, but he's either not acknowledging or dealing with that very well. He doesn't sound as though he listens to you, which must be frustrating.

Would you both consider couples counselling at all? It sounds as though you're maybe just bruised, not quite broken and it would be a shame to end things if they can be saved. While you don't know what to do, take lots of time to think things through. I certainly wouldn't rush into moving anywhere, tempting though I understand it must be. You'll replace one set of problems with new ones.

Thanks curly.

I don't know if he would consider counselling as he won't even talk to me about it. Last night we sat in silence at the furthest ends of the sofa.

Sometimes he's in such a vile mood I'm treading on eggshells, never sure whether it's better to try to get him to talk to me or just to ignore it.

Yes, the moving isn't a solution. It's just that if we did split up, we couldn't afford to run two households where we live and I could do with the family support. It's not on the cards for now though.

We did have a great relationship, I hope it's still there beneath the strains of real life...

this sounds very like me, emotionally detached and sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, lately I just go to bed earlier and ealier and watch tv or read.I dont know what to say to him anymore. I do still like him alot but as a friend and a dad not as a husband necessarily and we also have no sex life at all. Its very very sad isnt it, if I do actually leave him (which I have said I want to) he will move back to his parents which is a long way and my dd wil lose her dad essentialy which is a huge responsibility. What do we do..stay and pretend its all going to get better or be okay or admit defeat????

Sorry littlemiss, I don't know.

I just read a post from the weekend from someone in similar situation with older kids. The consensus seemed to be that staying together for the sake of the kids wasn't a good idea as the kids will pick up on unhappiness and/or not learn about good relationships....

I'm thinking of setting a timeline - like if things don't improve in 6 months will take some next steps. Maybe see if we can do things to improve it - take a holiday? - in the meantime.

Did you say to your dh you wanted to leave him? How did he react?

I did yes and he was simmilar to what you said yours was, at first he said " grow up, life is a struggle and marriage is hard work" that enfuriated me!
now he is starting to realsie that I actually meant it, but I cant do anything til the end of the year anyway Im not in a position financially. He just seems sad

I think he's feeling pressure at work which is draining him. The comments you mention seem to be work related i.e he needed to go to a conf when it was your grandma's funeral. His comment was tactful but in the context of worrying about losing his job it might be more understandble. If he was rushing to work then maybe he felt he really didn't have time to deal with your ds, having to give milk to whilst not fully dressed isn't the end of the world so I think you could have been more understanding.

I think you are both under pressure and wanting support from each other which both of you can't give. In a few years you've had a new baby, illness and now work stress..If this was happening to friends you might be able to see how the pressure was affecting them. A question often asked in counselling is "what can I do to make the situation better?"

I'm not sure you would be happier as a single parent - ending the marriage because you are both worn down might be something you later regret.

Vic - I think you do both need counselling, if he won't agree to go perhaps you could go on your own and at least get some advice?
It's hard when one of you doesn't make the effort. If you are both pulling together to sort things out it's great but you can't "work at a relationship" on your own. How would you feel about separating? Have you thought it through. It's nice that he gets some me time at the weekend - do you have any me time?

You sound a bit like me littlemisslost...though I am seeing it as a natural course of the relationship when having small children and both working, and not a reason for leaving as we are still tremendously good friends and like each other a lot and I still do fancy him and love him and he says the same- we both recognise we have to make a bit more effort in the sex department...but to be honest we're both a bit too tired and lazy and our sex drives have taken a hit. It's not a case of him asking me for sex and me turning him down. Actually I'd love to be asked, that in itself would be sexy, just being wanted, and definitely wouldn't turn him down no matter how tired I felt. He knows this. We do have disagreements and I can be overcritical at times, but do say sorry if we've been out of order...The mere thought of being without him makes me very sad indeed. We still do nice things for each other at times. He bought me a bar of chocolate yesterday and surprised me with it in the evening, and it felt like the most romantic thing ever! I surprised him with a jumper (the other one got shrunk in the tumble drier :)) and he was very pleased. I am trying to get a less full on job and he says he likes his job so that's good. We do have a lot of support locally and are lucky there but still don't go out much- I think we can't be bothered TBH!

vic - Do you think that maybe, you have out-grown one another?

You are both under pressure by the sounds of things, him with his job and you to hold the rest together, plus working part-time.

When did you last have a night out? Just the two of you?

When did you last cook something yummy and just chill out? Share a bottle of wine?

When did you last say that you loved each other and meant it?

Do you think that you are just existing with one another rather than living your lives?

You are both exhausted and making an 'effort' gets harder and harder, the further into this rut that you fall.

Children are hard work and put huge amounts of pressure on a relationship as it is, never mind with added work worries etc...

I think one of you needs to bring this to a head, and it looks like it's you.

How easy would it be to get a sitter that you trust?

You need to take this back to basics to see if you do actually both want to be together.

Single parenting is not that bad you know but that's not on the cards yet so don't over think this.

Start back at the begining. What do you want from him?

Thanks for your comments smum.

We're not actually married, don't know if that would make a difference - I do feel as though splitting up would be just giving up that I may be less inclined to do if there was a marriage involved. Having said that there is a child and a joint mortgage and 17 years of a relationship...

I know the milk think wasn't a big deal, it's just one example of the petty things we argue about (it was the garden the other day) and end up escalating.

I think I do need to be more understanding of the stress he's going through at work. He feels under pressure to be the one supporting us financially since I went on mat leave...

Are you happier now you spend more time at home? vic Is your own mental health welll under control? Just that if it isn't you may not be in a good place to support someone else emotionally. I'd ask him outright what he wants from you as a wife right now. then say what you'd like him to do. I think everyone has stupid arguments. Can he talk about work or is he so stressed out that he can't?

His parents have offered to come down and babysit as his birthday present so we can have a night out. I think I need to organise that. Thanks Mouseface, maybe if we can have some time to forget the pressure and see if we can have a nice time together that would help. I can't remember the last time we had a nice night out together. Or said "I love you" apart from as a rushed phrase trotted out

I haven't really thought the whole separating thing through Eleanor, it's more of a grass is greener fantasy at the moment...

First things first, let's see if we can have an evening together without fireworks or bubbling resentments, let's plan a night out and maybe a holiday and see if there's a relationship there worth salavaging...

littlemisslost Tue 01-Mar-11 16:30:17
" grow up, life is a struggle
this sounds exactly like something dp would say too...

I'm happy with the work and home balance I have at the moment Eleanor. He will start to talk about work, but he gets very frustrated with me; I either seem to talk too much or not enough and he says I'm not listening. I'm probably being too cautious of saying the wrong thing.

He said yesterday that although his job was less secure now, he is happier there than in his previous role. I thought this was a good thing, but apparently it wasn't and just showed how I wasn't showing support or sympathy.

I think he is a bit jealous that you have sorted your work situation out...and maybe he is a bit more fazed by being the main breadwinner than he lets on and the change of role that you've had from being relative equals in parenting/work to a more traditional scenario...though don't blame yourself as it sounds you've done exactly the right thing- for all of you not just you, as if you are severely depressed it obviously affects everyone. I find it interesting as I'm trying to do a similar thing myself and I tend to just announce these things having got everything worked out first to my DH instead of consulting him...

I don't think this sounds like the end. I think your current situation is understandable considering all the pressure and changes you have faced. It doesn't mean you have 'outgrown' each other or don't love each other.

I think you really need to get through to him how unhappy you are and how close you are to ending it. You can't continue like this, or it really will be the end. If you both really want to relationship to improve, grow and flourish you BOTH need to want to. Would showing him this thread help, or do you think that would alienate him?

Thanks for the comments, we had a talk yesterday. I don't think I realised how unhappy he was. He was saying we'd be better off without him, all we needed him for was to bring home the money and do some chores(!).
We've talked about how we need to try to be kinder to one another. I clearly need to listen more as I didn't realise how much the stresses at work were affecting him or that I was making him feel useless at home.

We're planning a night away together and a family holiday.
I think showing him the thread would freak him out, he'd hate that I was talking to other people about it. I think I need to step up and help him get to a happier place.

I've noticed a distinct pattern on here during the years, couples who have waited a very long time to have kids seem to struggle the most when they come along - the first couple of years are the hardest and take the biggest toll on even the strongest relationships and it's not surprising that things are tough after 15 years of an equal (in terms of working/earning etc) partnership.
You have both lost sight of the couple you used to be, you need to start communicating and it sounds like you've both recognised that.

malificence I think you have a point there, we didnt wait years to have a child we had our daughter after 2 years but we were both 28 and 29 and both working full time, I had the 'career' a higher paid job and had always been very independant and it was very hard for me because I had to give up work for a couple of years as our baby was born with a heart defect. she is fine now but I never got back into as good a job after this and could only find part time or fixed term positions has been a real stress.On top of this we have always had issues from his ex and maintenance to pay and I resent paying a big chunk of money each month to a woman who has never worked and basically lived off us and the state.

I think thh thought that I will forever be battling with his ex and his family and contributing to a child I cant even see has played a huge part in the demolision of our marriage. I long to be free -emotionally and financially