I'm confused as to what to do.

[sleepygirl]

I've posted before under this name. The last thread I did was regarding my mum which is here. I talked about how bad our relationship is, and always has been. How she abused me when I was a child and even now as an adult, she still fucks with my head. I don't speak to my siblings nor my dad. I was told I should cut all contact with my mum, but as I had explained, I found it difficult to do so.

The reason I am posting again is because yesterday my sister, who I haven't spoken to in ages, texted me informing me that our mum was in hospital. She told me mum didn't want to tell me as she thinks I don't care or wouldn't bother to go see her, which is untrue. If I had known she had to go into hospital (she had to have a cist removed), I'd have been there for her. Just like I was at the end of last year, I had to take her to one. Not because I felt I had to but because I wanted to be there for her, despite our past and problems. My sister also went on to say how apparently she's the only one that cares about mum, although it was only last year my sister was blackmailing my mum with threats of stopping her seeing her granddaughter if my sister didn't get her own way... (one of the reasons as to why I want nothing to do with my sister!)

What really upset me was the fact that over the last few weeks, I have actually been nice to my mum. I've not been stressed out or agitated before I see her, which I usually am, so I can't work out why she suddenly feels like I don't care? She even saw DD a few days over half term. I'd understand if it was when I was trying to reduce contact with her or if I had been ignoring her, but I haven't! I went up to the hospital after I found out, found out what ward she was on, but by then, it was late and I was told when the visiting hours were for today.

I just feel really angry and hurt now, and unsure as what to do. I feel if I speak to my mum properly, we may end up just arguing, and I certainly don't want to speak to my sister because that will be an arguement. I just feel like despite how much I try with my mum, I always end up feeling like I shouldn't have bothered and have wasted my time, because it's always thrown back in my face. I feel awful that she thinks this of me, but angry at the same time as I can't understand why she would think that? And part of me is wondering, is this just her messing with my head again, or have I really done something so bad to make her feel that way about me?

It's not you, it's her.

You haven't done anything bad to make her feel this way about you. Think back to when you were a child and she was awful to you - you were too young then to have done anything to make her behave that way, but she still did it. She is still doing it now.

If she makes you feel bad, and submissive, and desperate to please her, then she has the upper hand and you are under control. That's what she wants.

Actually, re-reading - this has all come through your sister hasn't it? Do you trust her to tell the truth and not twist it? Do you even know this is coming from your mum?

Sounds like they're all doing your head in.

sleepygirl,

I have also read your other thread.

Your mother is messing with your head again. You remain the scapegoat in the family for all their inherent ills.

I would not let your father off either. People from dysfunctional families play roles; his was bystander. He did nothing to protect you and acted out of both self preservation and want of a quiet life. Your sister is "golden child"; a role not without price or condition either.

You are not responsible for this woman; she abused you as a child and failed you abjectly as a result. She learnt abuse from someone within her family unit as a child; I can certainly see how such problems become generational. Abuse is about power and control.

Two generations have already been affected by abuse (i.e your mum and you); do not let your DD become the third one to suffer the same fate.

Many children now adults who came from such dysfunctional family units have FOG - fear. obilgation, guilt. I can certainly see obligation towards your mum in your post and fear.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point. I would also suggest counselling for your own self regarding the dysfunctional family unit from whence you came (BACP are very good and do not cost a fortune).

Such people are more than happy to pass on all their issues to the next generation i.e your DD so I would completely sever all contact between them and yourselves. Easy to write however but hard to do. She will start on your DD to get back at you given the opportunity.

Do post on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages too. You will receive good counsel that way too.

Thanks for your messages. I appreciate your look at things, as I wasn't sure what to really think.

I said to my DP last night, I can see this all ending in me saying if she thinks I don't care, then I'll let her think that and I won't speak to her again. And I still feel that way after sleeping on it. I know I feel more angry than hurt by this whole thing.

Toomanypuffles, my DP had said that. I don't particularly trust my sister, and neither does DP, so he suggested maybe she was lying. Though I feel that this could be true, I also think my mum has probably said that, because it won't be the first time either.

Attila, I'll have a look for that book. I have seen the stately homes threads about, but haven't yet posted on there, so I will give that a try.

I dunno, I suppose now that I'm a parent myself, and I look at my DD and can't imagine doing anything that my family did to me to her, I try and fool myself into thinking that they would be different, or that maybe it's just me, but now that this has happened, I feel slightly different about things, just everything seems really confusing.