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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

23 replies

Lynmcc · 01/03/2011 00:47

My husband and I are separating. Am I being unreasonable in not allowing our children to stay with him and his mistress overnight after us separating for only 2 weeks? I want him to see the children but think they need time to adjust to the situation.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/03/2011 00:49

It's not up to you...... He's a parent too, who said what you say ( or think)goes??

madonnawhore · 01/03/2011 00:53

No YANBU.

It's going to be unsettling enough for them as it is without having to share their dad in a new, unfamiliar house, with some random woman they don't know.

I think he's a knob for asking.

Original poster

Lynmcc · 01/03/2011 00:55

My kids are only 3 and 5 and have never stayed with anybody else not even their gran ( his instance) I think they need time to get used to the idea of us not being together first before staying with someone they hardly even know? He doesn't think they will be affected by our separation but how can they not be?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/03/2011 00:56

Should he have to ask to see his own kids??

Original poster

Lynmcc · 01/03/2011 01:03

I don't have any problem with him seeing the kids but it's got to be when it's best for them and not when it fits into his schedule. I'm trying to be as open minded as possible but to be told tonight he's leaving and is expecting to keep the kids overnight with his mistress who has 2 kids of her own within a few days is just not on.surely to wait a few weeks until they are used to the idea is only reasonable?

OP posts:

Newbabynewmum · 01/03/2011 04:22

I can see why you might want to leave the overnight stays a while. If I was one of your DC all I'd be thinking is who is this woman? And why does dad live here? And where's mum?

I think it could be very confusing and distressing for them if not handled in the right way. Go with your gut feeling - they are your DC x

textualhealing · 01/03/2011 06:56

ILOVETIFFANY - he doesn't need to ask to see his own kids but as a caring, loving parent, I don't know why he would be willing to further compromise their stability by introducing a new partner at such an unsettling time for them. Surely, if he wants to maintain contact with his children, as he has left the family home, he should make dedicated time for them until things settle down. Just my opinion, borne from my own experience!

Mummalish · 01/03/2011 08:36

I think it's way too soon for them to be exposed to the OW, especially overnighters. You are right in wanting to protect the emotions of your children.

Break ups are confusing enough for children, things need to progress very slowly.

clam · 01/03/2011 09:03

I don't think YABU at all.
What planet is he on? And ILoveTIFFANY? It's nothing to do with "him being the parent too," as textualhealing said.

FlamingOBingo · 01/03/2011 09:05

If he is the parent too, ILoveTiffany, then he needs to act like one and start putting hte children's emotional needs before his!

FlamingOBingo · 01/03/2011 09:06

I really hate it when MN gets on the 'dads have rights too' bandwagon, when it's rarely the mother saying 'I don't want him to see the children because I don't like him' and nearly always the mother saying 'hang on, we need to work out a way to do this that is safest emotionally for the children'.

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 01/03/2011 09:11

Everything flamingobingo said, both post.

YADNBU OP.

Merrylegs · 01/03/2011 09:17

"He doesn't think they will be affected by our separation but how can they not be?"

It sounds like he is trying to 'normalize' the situation too quickly and perhaps assuage his guilt. The equivalent of putting his fingers in his ears and humming loudly - "la la la, I'm leaving, it's all fine, what's the problem, the kids will be fine."

I think he is being at best naive and at worst, well thoughtless would be putting it kindly.

It sounds like it's early days and of course he is still their dad but he should be doing absolutely everything to try and make this about the children first.

Having them overnight with the woman he left their mother for, where there are other children living as well ('why is daddy living with other children now?') within the space of a few days is not putting anyone's best interests first. Except perhaps his.

Smum99 · 01/03/2011 11:13

I do think it's unreasonable for a parent to introduce a new partner so quickly - there is guidance on this in parenting handbooks - one that was recommended previously on MN "Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents." Sadly I know of a mum who did something similar so women and men do it - mainly for practical reasons, i.e it's easier to see children in a house setting but I don't feel it's right for the children.

However I would be careful about the language you use with your ex - the term allowing does imply that one parent 'owns' the children and will be the gatekeeper.Whilst it may not be intentional it can inflame the debate. Can you have a sensible conversation - away from the children about this? State that it's isn't because it's his new partner - you would apply the same rules to yourself. Suggest ways in which he can see the children so he is clear you are not blocking contact, try to get him to understand that professionals in child care don't recommend his approach (rather than your opinion).

In the end there is little you can do about this - there have been posts on this site from mums who robustly defend the speed that they introduce a new partner and that's despite strong opposition from other mums so I don't think it's a gender issue.
You could go to court but that would take time and would involve CAFCASS who would only prevent access if they had concerns for welfare.

I hope you can use books and outside opinion to change your ex's approach to this but now that you're separated you will often have to stand back (literally bite your lip at times) and let the other parent act as they see fit (even if you don't agree with it), obviously as long as they are being kept safe and not being put at risk.

You could also suggest mediation - an outside person would probadly be able to make progress on a timeframe to introduce new partners so this might be a good approach.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 01/03/2011 11:38

OP your ex is being a selfish twat and needs to grow up and put his children first. Smum99's suggestion of mediation and that childcare experts don't recommend his approach is good.

Ilove this is not about 'dad's rights' but about what is best for the children.

Jux · 01/03/2011 12:16

I think the children should at least have time to meet the OW and her kids, get used to wherever it is they'll be staying overnight and so on.

You're not trying to stop him seeing them; they are very young and they will adjust quite quickly but their adjustment does need to be 'managed' carefully.

YANBU.

waterrat · 01/03/2011 12:40

I think you have to find a balance here - I agree with the poster above who says you should avoid terms like 'allowing'.

Are you and your ex on speaking terms? If you say something like - I understand your partner is now part of your life and you want the children to meet her - but I'd rather we did that slowly - that may get a better response than 'I dont want you doing this'

It IS painful and difficult - but in the end, you can't stop him doing it, so damage limitation through going half way to meet him might be less stressful in the long term.

I do remember when I was very young finding it distressing meeting a new partner BUT that was partly because it was done dishonestly. kids see EVERYTHING> dont bother hiding stuff from them.

mayorquimby · 01/03/2011 12:42

"I really hate it when MN gets on the 'dads have rights too' bandwagon, when it's rarely the mother saying 'I don't want him to see the children because I don't like him' and nearly always the mother saying 'hang on, we need to work out a way to do this that is safest emotionally for the children'."

Or the mum saying, "it's not that I don't want him to see the kids, but if it's on terms I'm not completely happy with I won't let him."
Is he allowed to dictate the manner in which the op spends her time with the kids?

Gibbous · 01/03/2011 13:02

A bit of wilful misunderstanding there - never has she said "if it's on terms I'm not completely happy with I won't let him."

She's trying to do what's best for the KIDS.

And no, introducing them to the OW and her kids within days is NOT what's best for them, sheesh!

OP, do as suggested and go about this calmly, with mediation if need be. Say you understand the need for the OW and kids to meet eventually but they need to do this gradually, for the sake of the children's stability.

wannabefree · 01/03/2011 19:38

It annoys me when people stand up for people that have cheated and walked out on their partners. The bloody everyone-has-rights brigade.

LittleMissHissyFit · 01/03/2011 20:18

No new partners should be introduced for a considerable period of time.

The OW/OM especially. Where is his dignity FGS?

Agree with wannabefree, if people like this want rights FGS, they ought to act like people and not shit on their partners/dc

carlywurly · 01/03/2011 20:24

No, having been in a similar situation, you're not being at all unreasonable. If you can put your own feelings aside (I know how difficult that is..) and just consider every issue from the point of view of what's best for the dc's, they'll be fine. Trust your instincts.

I wouldn't hesitate to stand up to him on this one. 2 weeks is nowhere enough time for anyone to adjust.

BringOnTheGoat · 01/03/2011 21:45

YANBU - XH wants DD overnight at BB's. Have said not for quite a while (for various reasons - alcohol, MH issues included). I think (and some professionals agree) that new partners should not be introduced until it is 'commitment' type serious. Unfortunatley XH is unable to behave within 'normal' boundaries so moved straight in with BB and her kids. He has at least had decency to admit he wants DD overnight for selfish reasons and it is not in her best interests.

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