Anger

[SmashingNarcissistsMirrors]

i've mentioned before how i have been in abusive relationships before and that my current relationship has featured some dramatic rows of which i have been a part. i have determined to be more mindful of my behaviour and am doing really well actually. however this has highlighted my OH's anger issues to me.

his anger is not just directed at me. he rages at drivers in the car, random things that annoy him, receptionist at GP etc etc.

however this weekend there was a particular incident. it started with one of those annoying things that is no one's fault (car developed a problem that made it undriveable). this had a knock on impact on our plans and the usual hassle of calling out AA etc. however instead of just getting on with sorting it OH got into a rage and starting making out it was somehow all my fault, i never listen, throwing up other aspects where he feels i've made bad decisions etc etc. he didn't name call but was finger pointy, raised voice and angry eyes and coming up with lines like "the car is not the problem, you are the problem".

this was all infront of my parents.

i told him this was unacceptable and i wasn't going to take this sort of bullshit anymore. he got more angry but eventually apologised (the next day) and admitted he was in the wrong to react like that. there were a couple of faux apologies where i felt he was just giving it lipservice but he does genuinely now seem to have accepted and taken responsibility for his bad behaviour.

looking back i realise he has had a similar outburst the last 3 times my parents have visited. maybe it stresses him when they come, i don't know.

i told my folks i'm not prepared to be treated like this and that i deserve better. they agree with me. in fact they said they didn't know how i managed to be so calm and reasonable and he was completely out of order.

i think he is willing to listen but i'm not sure how long i should give things to see any change?

my self esteem actually feels fine at the moment. the relationship is nourishing in lots of ways but it is bloody exhausting and miserable to be around the angry energy when it happens.

Well he has done it three times now so are you going to tolerate it and or act on it if he does it again? And blaming your parents being there for stressing him out is ridiculous imo. If he finds it so hard to have them there he should have said something sooner. It sounds like he is pissed off about something and used the car breaking down as an excuse to blow.

i totally agree it is no excuse being stressed out by my parents. it was a side thought rather than a blame thing.

he has been diagnosed with ptsd (torture victim and dangerous journey to this country) and also suffered from depression / anxiety in the past. he also had a really traumatic circumscision aged 7 by some village idiot unqualified person with scissors that left him with physical and emotional scars he has barely started to address. i think the latter has left him with some unspoken anger tbh but i'm not qualified to deal with it and i don't think it's probably my place to do so either. whatever it is i don't deserve to bear the brunt of it.

he can be the kindest most selfless person sometimes but the outbursts are horrible.

i agree i need to decide what my cut off point is.

Smashing

You need to take your own great advice. I've read your posts on here and I think if this was me posting this, you'd tell me to really think about what was goin gon behind the scenes.

How far is too far? Where do you draw the line with him and get him to take responsibilty for his anger and outbursts?

Irrational anger is never a good thing, and you know that. What if he snaps at you but does more than just yell? Project blame onto you?

I'm sure he'd never deliberately hit you or shove you just that bit too hard, but are you?

That's what you have to ask yourself.

How much can you take and will he get help for this if you talk to him about it or blame you?

'You wind me up, that's why I snap' etc.........

I would be walking now. Having a fancy diagnosis doesn't exempt him from behaving well. It sounds as though he isn't capable of a nonverbally violent relationship at the moment and needs to get treatment.
You may want to get involved with him in the future when he has sorted himself out but I'd finish things for now so he realises such behaviour isn't acceptable.
You shouldn't be alternately feeling sorry for and then feeling afraid of your partner.

i think he is willing to listen but i'm not sure how long i should give things to see any change?

You can not ever change other people and shouldnt try. He might well listen and say sorry and promise to change , but do you really want to be in a relationship with anyone who has to be told how to behave ? If he doesnt get it , ill guarentee theres a thousand other things he doesnt get.

Hes already decided its ok to yell at you , to blame you for stuff , to yell at you in front of your parents. How incredibly disrespectfull.

Raging at receptionist , other drivers ect are classic red flags . Obviously i dont know your story , but i notice you say previously youve been in a abusive relationship. From what youve said i would say you are still in one.

His behaviour was abusive and he obviously feels entitled to abuse others too . In answer to your question about how long to give things to change my answer would be none. I think hes shown you exactly who he is and the fact hes done this in front of your parents is very unsettling.

i agree with you fellow posters.

i have told him that this behaviour is unacceptable and that if it continues i will not be able to stay in the relationship.

i have told him i deserve and accept respect.

however i am willing to give him a chance to change.

i have only developed my own mindfulness of my own behaviour recently. i have been guilty of abusive behaviour myself in the past. i give this relationship credit with helping me to change. much of the behaviour stuff i have done myself but in terms of binge drinking and recognising that as abusive behaviour i have to credit my OH who tbh had every right to leave following some episodes in the first few years of our relationship.

i don't feel i owe it to him to stay because of this but i do feel i owe it to myself to see if he can change.

however this isn't going to be indefinite and i'm going to put into place some things to help me leave if it comes to that.

firstly i have told my parents i am not happy with the situation and that it might come to a split.

next i am going to speak to a close friend and organise a place i can go to if things blow up again for a couple of days at least.

if the sanction of leaving temporarily doesn't have any impact then i will seek a formal seperation and finally divorce.

i'm not sure i agree that doing this infront of my parents is any worse than if we were alone. personally i find abusers who can control their temper infront of others and save their abuse for behind closed doors more of a worry. not that that makes it okay but i think it is more an anger management issue than a manipulative abuse issue.

we had a conversation last night and i explained to him that i didn't mind him having a different opinion to me on stuff and that actually sometimes he is right and i am wrong. interestingly / worryingly he said "but how can i get my point across without losing my temper". i think this belief is at the heart of it.

do i want to be with someone who has to be told how to behave? it's not ideal is it?

Well - it's interesting that he asks that - because it shows that there is the heart of the problem and he is able to verbalise it. I do think that if he wants to change it is worth working at although you have to protect yourself. I would say that a prerequiste of staying with him would be him getting counselling - not anger management which will only skim the surface, but proper therapy.

I have friends who suffer from PTSD as a result of being refugees and I know it is very damaging. Has he had counselling? The Helen Bamber Foundation are excellent for torture. But you probably know all that.

If he feels he has to get angry then he has communication issues - most likely he grew up with emotionally cold parents/ people who showed their feelings through anger. That could change = if he is prepared to examine all of that - BUT - it has to come from HIM. Does he want to change?

You can't be his nurse - or spend your life trying to fix him. If he wants your support on this journey of self improvement - and change then great, if he isn't yet ready...you might need to move on.

worryingly he said "but how can i get my point across without losing my temper". i think this belief is at the heart of it.

How does he get his point across to others without losing his temper , ie , his boss , those in authority ?

Is he seeing a therapist to deal with any of these issues?

DH and I nearly broke up over something similar. It broke my heart but I told him that I could not be in a relationship where this kind of anger was normal. He also felt that unless he screamed and swore and shouted, he could not make his point.

He had, and has, counselling. It has been amazing and has changed a lot of things. And I am so proud of him for the fact that he has changed behaviour.

Dignified he has lost his temper with bosses, others in authority and family members before. So I don't think this is special treatment for me I think it is a communication issue.

His family aren't cold quite the opposite intact although there was tough love of being beaten for bad behaviour. He is also v angry about circumcision and that his parents were ignorant enough to let it happen.

BlingLoving how great your story had a happy ending. What sort of therapy did your partner have and how did he access it? How many sessions and did you live together while he had it?

He goes to a CBT (is that the right acronym?) therapist. We were lucky in that my work health plan paid for 12 emergency sessions. After that, we had to take over payment, but he only goes once a month or so now.

And yes, he also lost his temper with other people besides me. And it was a problem. Perhaps not as often or as serious as your DP, but still.