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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Kind of AIBU, but I don't think I am, really.. (sorry, long)

10 replies

UnfortunateBananaIncident · 28/02/2011 13:04

I posted on here last week about my boyfriend's OCD and the effect it has on his appearance. I received some very helpful insights and it was really valuable in helping me to clarify how I feel about him, his "ishoos", what's important, what's not, and how to move forward. I've now namechanged (for reasons that will be clear if you manage to read below).

Anyway, we had another discussion about all of this earlier in the week, and I mentioned that I'd posted on here. He wasn't particularly happy about that, I didn't go about things in the right way, at all, and I came across as overly critical. We ended up arguing. I felt guilty and was very apologetic. Although I did also say how helpful it had been in clarifying my thoughts, and that I hadn't been unpleasant about him at all - on the contrary, I was very positive. However, this stressed us both out, and we went on to have a couple more "difficult" conversations through the week that we both found exhausting and upsetting.

I need to mention that as he knows I use mn, he's previously asked what my username is. I explained that this is a private, safe place for me, where I have asked for advice on things that I wouldn't talk to RL people about, so I didn't want him to find me. He (I thought) respected this.

Cut to Friday night / Saturday morning. We both acknowledged our respective parts wrt the tension of the week, agreed we just need to put it behind us and get on with enjoying each other again. DD was going for a sleepover Saturday night so we could do just that.

We went out for the evening, to an event where a friend of his was dj-ing. His ex-gf was also there with her LT partner, but we mostly spent the evening talking between ourselves, really enjoyed each other, and it felt like we were getting over the hump of the past week.

Anyhoo, quite late on in the evening, he went outside for a cigarette, then came back in with a big triumphant grin on his face, showed me his phone on which was my thread from last week. I was shocked, went quiet, and asked whether he'd read the whole thing. He said he had, and that while he was outside, he'd shown it to his ex-gf Shock

So here comes the AIBU: I was quite upset, intially very quiet, then asked lots of questions, tried to explain how important my anonymity is etc. He became increasingly angered by my reaction, became quite verbally aggressive. Eventually we left together, but on the way back to his house, he said he was going home alone and leaving me where I was (in a back street in a town 10 miles away from home in the middle of the night). No car, no public transport, and we'd both had a few (although we weren't drunk), so really quite vulnerable.

I waited five minutes, called him, tried to calmly explain that he couldn't do this to me, and that I needed to be safe. He agreed. We went back to his home, where he continued being really quite unpleasant and harsh. I was totally bewildered.

Sunday morning, I was very calm, again explained why I objected to his behaviour, and there was a reconcilliation of sorts. He later texted me to apologise and said his behaviour had been "inexcusable".

I asked him which bit, and he said the leaving me in the street, and the shouting "although I still stand by some of what I said, I should have said it more calmly".

So he still seems to think that stalking me on MN and sharing private stuff about the two of us with his ex was OK.

I don't. And I now have serious questions about the type of person he is. He has never displayed anything like this kind of behaviour at all. He has been consistently kind, supportive, generous, loving, understanding... it's all very confusing.

I do realise that I probably shouldn't have told him that I'd posted here for advice. Also that he wasupset because he'd felt that I'd been critical and over sensitive earlier in the week.

But it doesn't sound good, does it?

Thanks for reading this long ramble Smile

OP posts:
dignified · 28/02/2011 13:22

It doesnt , no.
You cannot change him and youll be setting yourself up for failure if you try , in terms of his apearance . You either have to accept him as he is or decide it just isnt for you and move on.

I dont think you shouldve told him you posted here , and im not really surprised he tried to find it because i think id have to look as well. But the triumphant grin speaks volumes , and the showing it to his ex does too.

Any act of verbal aggresion would be a deal breaker for me , i suspect theres more where that came from. Hes not bothered how you feel , hes not going to change , and to be honest he doesnt sound very nice , i think youd be better off without him.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 28/02/2011 15:52

he'll probably find this thread too. i mean he will recognise you straight away from the content just as we all do.

janiesmum · 28/02/2011 19:30

do you not realise that every single person in the world has the potential to read what you say on here???

why on earth would you imagine that any of it is private

So he still seems to think that stalking me on MN and sharing private stuff about the two of us with his ex was OK.

realrabbit · 28/02/2011 19:37

This reply has been deleted

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perfumedlife · 28/02/2011 19:37

Oh god, please dump him, fast.

I honstly thought you should dump him last week but didn't post that, I knew you were not thinking along those lines. He has way too many issues. The exgf thing was unforgivable but then, wearing unwashed clothes is unforgivable in my book.

He invaded your privacy, when you trusted him Sad
He left you alone in a strange town late at night. He is showing you him, the real him, warts and all. See him for who he is.

SugarPasteFrog · 28/02/2011 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FudgeGirl · 28/02/2011 20:01

Leaving you alone, in town, a long way from home at night is indeed excusable - as he has recognised himself. So don't excuse him for it.

I think he's showing his true colours. He disrespects you by not washing and not changing his clothes regularly (I'm sorry - it is disrespectful to you, whatever his issues) and he's disrespected your privacy, your safety and your feelings.

Yuk.

SaggyHairyArse · 28/02/2011 20:09

You've only been with him 4 months, seriously think about what YOU want.

IMHO, at four months you should still be in the honeymoon period and it should all be lovely, not stress and being treated like crap. It doesn't bode well!

Also, very superficially, it reads like he is very controlling (OCD, the night out/ex stuff, being abandoned on way home) and that you are a fixer (4 months in, concerning yourself with his OCD and his issues etc), on the surface I am thinking this is not a good combo.

UnfortunateBananaIncident · 28/02/2011 22:14

Thanks to everyone who's read and replied. Food for thought.

perfumedlife you were very understanding on my last thread, and thank you for your straight talking on this one.

On reflection, I see that it was quite understandable that he would try to find what I'd written about him on the web. I shouldn't be cross about that. I suppose it's more about the timing (we were having a night out to try to put it all behind us), and the involvement of his ex. As realrabbit says, his loyalty should have been to me, and I hate the though of them standing outside sniggering about me together, or thinking they were so jolly clever to have found me, or whatever Sad

janiesmum of course I know this is for all to see Hmm But unless you know who I or my partner am in RL (which no one did, until now), it's all kind of hypothetical, no?

OP posts:
UnfortunateBananaIncident · 28/02/2011 22:16

(perfumed you were also very helpful on the thread a couple of weeks ago about my friend dying in the hospice. She finally passed away early last week, which has probably contributed to me being a bit mixed up this week).

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