What do I do to help him?

[dennymosh]

Wwe have been together 14 yrs, 2 children - 1 with SN.

DP is long term unemployed and is now so unmotivated, he sleeps all day and is shouty and sweary all the time.

It seems to be that I do everything - school runs, house work and I work too. I am SE so fit around everything else but recently, I seem to have less time as am doing more and this means that I work through the night at least once a week to get everything done.

DP doesn't seem to know or see what needs doing so everything is left to be done by me and it is hard work!

It seems to be all little things that build up until I get annoyed or say something and then it the worst thing that I could have possible said - yesterday it was a load of little things and comments - I had to finish some work for a deadline and needed about an hour but instead of looking after the children he decided to listen to things on his PC at full volume making too much noise for me to concentrate. We did talk about this. I rolled my eyes at the noise and this really upset him, I realise that I should have said something but I was struggling to complete the task by the dead line.

There were other things yesterday two, equally little - he called our youngest pissy pants which I called him on and he then said to the youngest that 'he was in trouble now' and that I was always telling him off.

Our eldest has toilet issues and dyspraxia and ASD but it always me taking him to appointments and he refuses to read any of the info regarding him or his schooling or appts or anything regarding how to deal with him when he is having a meltdown as he says that he knows waht to do but it normally ends up with him yelling or mocking him, particularly with the toilet issues and he refuses to help him with his toilet or on the rare times, is really rough with wiping (TMI!) so it stresses the eldest and makes it worse.

He shouts a lot and swears, our eldest dropped a drink yesterday and DP yelled, starting with For Fucks Sake at him, he is only 8 and has difficulty with fine motor skills and this shouting meant that eldest cried and DP called him a cry baby and then eldest had an accident which I dealt with.

I also listened to DP yesterday telling the children that he would never let anyone take them away which seemed to be out of the blue?

DO you think he may be depressed and if so, how can I get him to be calmer and deal with the children and do more?

how horrible for you. dealing with someone else's unpleasant moods, temper, anger and lack of consideration can be exhausting and sould destroying.

what he need to realise is his behaviour is not your responsiblity. you can only control your response to it and set boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable.

maybe he is depressed, who knows?

you can't make him be calmer but you can continue to explain to him in a controlled and rational fashion that his behaviour is unacceptable.

a relationship is only as good as the behaviour and attitude of the people in it. if he keeps putting negative energy in he will get a negative result. say this and in no uncertain terms tell him that you want and deserve respect. the calmer and more reasonable you are the more it will highlight how out of order he is.

ultimately though you need to decide how long and how much you are willing to put up with. if he fails to see that he has a problem and show willing signs to change there is nothing you can do.

it sounds as if your children are suffering and they deserve to be protected from this as they don't really have a choice in the matter whereas you do.

really, how long is too long to expose children to this sort of toxic behaviour?

Your question really should be as to what you can do to help yourself, and more importantly your children who have to live with this.

I don't like the sound of the way he is treating your children. I think you need to put them first.

If you think your dh is depressed, then you have to try to make him see that he must take action to get treatment. If he won't, I don't see you having many options.

were in a similar situation.although at the moment things are a bit better.i made dh go to the gp-i said its that or its over.he was told he has depression but refused help.
if youd asked me a month ago i would have said we'd have been seperated by now.i posted about it on here,worrying about the effect on the children etc.

This bullying of the kids is unacceptable. What would you say if this was a teacher or another adult swearing at your kids ? Is it ok because hes their dad ?

Im not sure how hes elevated himself into this entitled priveledged position where he does fuck all and contributes fuck all but i think you need to challenge that and quickly.

You cannot get him to be calmer , better with the kids or anything else. You can however , set some boundarys and lay out your expectations . He can either take it on board or not. Can you think of any reason why he would want to get a job or do his share of the domestic crap ?

are you ok denny?

I really feel for you sounds like someone I know, how was he before he became unemployed?

sleeping all day can be linked to depression also being unmotivated.

shouting, swearing etc - he should be able to control himself.

ultimatum time - he seeks help and does something about his "depression" or he goes.

"he would never let anyone take them away" - ask him what he means by this - take it seriously. mayeb if he thinks you will leave he might take drastic action.

What is 'longtime unemployed'???

Denny,

Its awful that your children are being exposed to all this because it is affecting them just as this is affecting you now.

You've been together for more than a decade, what was he like in the early days?. Presumably as well he is in complete denial about the eldest child's special needs.

You have a choice re him at the end of the day, your children do not. Where is your tipping point, what are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Depression is no excuse to act abusively and there is no justification for his actions.

I'd also be intrigued to know what he used to be like, because my first impression of him is that - and I've got to be honest - he sounds absolutely vile. How dare he treat your and your DCs like that

How long has he been unemployed and what help is he seeking? Does he ask the JobCentre? Has he signed on, or do you give him money?

How late is he up at night to be sleeping all day?

House work is difficult to split with someone like this but there's no reason why he shouldn't be doing half, if not all of the school runs. Ring fence your sleep time, and ring fence your work time if you have to by working from the library or a cafe if you can.

I think his "telling the children that he would never let anyone take them away" means he know he is taking the piss big time. Does he behave like this in front of anyone else?

You can't save him, but that doesn't mean you can't point out that he has to help himself.

Also: I have ASD and dyspraxia (though never toilet issues and I wasn't diagnosed until my twenties) and every single cruel word from my own father about it is etched upon my mind decades later.

That's why I never told my dad about my difficulties - it's not as if it would've gotten any better, probably worse. Your DC's dad knows about theirs and is just as bad. That is disgusting.

My anger isn't directed at you btw OP. I just wanted to explain why my opinion is so strong.