Not sure what to do about parents (bereavement related)

[MondayAgain]

I really don't know what to do about my parents. Late last year my daughter (our first child) was born prematurely after a very traumatic pregnancy and died. This has been an enormously difficult time for me and DH although I am now back at work. I'm really struggling though with my parents. They have never been easy people but to be honest they've made matters worse. Nothing earth shatteringly big but many insensitive things said and done. Nearly every time I speak to them they say something I consider insensitive as they don't ever seem to consider the impact of their words. Last night they called me up and asked if I was "better now" and demanded to know why I don't phone them more. It made it sound like I'd had the flu.

A while ago I did tell them I was upset about one thing they did - they sent me some photos of my neice via email just a few weeks after DD died referring to her as "our granddaughter" rather than by name. I found this rather upsetting as though she was the only little girl who counted. I tried to explain that that but got told the email had come to me in error, there was nothing wrong with it and I was being oversensitive. No apology for upsetting me, even accidentally, and this made me feel worse. And since they have described my sister's kids as "our grandchildren" repeatedly as in "we went to see our grandchildren today". As a result I haven't been able to specifically call them on other things as it is more upsetting for me to have my feeling brushed aside. Maybe I was being prickly but I wouldn't have thought a little sensitivity would have gone amiss when I was still having terrible flashbacks of watching our tiny daughter fight for her life. They make me feel ashamed of myself.

This isn't the first experience of difficult behaviour. We had a lot of problems when I was younger as I did not meet their expectations in certain small (objectively unimportant) respects and this got blown massively out of proportion by them and tore apart our relationship. Proportion is not their strong point. My mother has various health issues (painful but not life threatening) and expects all arrangements to be made to her convenience and my father expects everyone to tippy toe around her. Over the years there have been numerous incidents that leave people open mouthed if you try and explain what happened. But regardless of how badly they behave they will never apologise for their actions and expect other people to suck things up. Although if anyone else says or does anything that upsets them in any way (and they get upset easily) they are expected to grovel until they decided to forgive them. They have no real friends and the little other family they do have somewhat put up with them under sufferance. They think they are marvellous parents. I don't have any expectation that they will ever change.

There is an added complication in that they lost a baby when I was small. I know times were different then and that this may be stirring up lots of bad memories but you'd have thought this would make them more understanding.

DH is upset because I'm upset and would be very tempted to let rip at them. MIL knows about 10% of what they've done and despite normally being pretty passive has threatened to phone and bollock them. So now DH doesn't feel he can tell his parents things. Trying to explain the multitude of things they have done would be difficult - each would be explained away and I'd be told I was oversensitive/overreacting/being difficult. They don't live locally and I see them rarely. They are not supportive and never really have been although they think they are marvellously so. I can't describe any positives of having them in my lives. Half of me would like to cull them but then I will be the Bad One and I don't see why that should be the case.

Sorry that was rather long but didn't want to drip feed. Any advice?

Hi Monday!

so sorry for your loss!

dont have much advice, but feel if its making you sad and makes you feel you have nothing to gain from them in your life. would it do any harm to meet up with them with your DH and tell them again how upsetting there behaviour and words have been? at least its not stewing on your mind.

if they try and turn it round on you, stop them in there tracks tell them they need to think about what they have said and come back to you when they are willing to have an adult conversation! I would tell them you love them but your finding there actions deeply upsetting to you and your DH.

leave the ball in there court!

hope it helps in someway! if not hope you get the advice you need, good luck!

I'm sorry for your loss and your suffering that continues. I cannot understand the ignorance that comes with references to 'our grandchildren'. Of course that would cause you pain. How could it not? How could they be unaware of that? It's really unusual / weird btw to refer to them as such to other members of the family. Be different if they were talking to non relatives but they're not.

The only thing that helps me is the knowledge that people like this cannot change so you distance yourself from them. Protect what is precious to you because they are incapable of seeing anything other than their own needs.

The less interaction there is the less room for vile comments to seep through. Stop trying to do the right thing. Stop looking for their approval.

Thank you for your responses, they are both helpful.

cremeeggsrock - it is tempting to say something but my concern is I will end up feeling worse after it as they will never accept any responsibility. On the other hand though not saying anything feels like letting them off the hook.

brass - I don't think I'm looking for their approval these days. But its hard to feel that they don't really love me, not enough to give my feelings any consideration anyway. Maybe even less interaction is the way forward.

what about writing a letter?

I doubt they'll ever truly "get" all that you want them to understand. You need to choose what to do that will give you the least pain.

Maybe email them rather than phone as your general contacting method. Then you can respond back briefly by email, rather than getting upset when you are speaking to them on the phone. This way you are still "in contact" with them but on your terms only. You might even want to give them a special email address (for them only) so that you only look at it on (relatively) good days.

It's really sad that you have to have this kind of relationship with them but if you can make it on your terms, you will feel in control of it.

When you say "then I would be the Bad One" - who would be viewing you in this light? And are the people who would think of you like this, people whose opinions you value? If it is just your parents - well, you aren't going to win that one anyway. How does your sister feel?

How much do you see/speak to them now? Can you just back off a lot? Too busy to talk on the phone, too busy to see them?

Or you could write and explain what they have done to hurt you and request a genuine apology. You won't get one, which means you don't have to have any contact with them while you're (endlessly) waiting for it to come. And you're not "the Bad One" - they're the ones who can't bring themselves to apologise.

I'm glad that you have your dh and your MIL on your side. You know, if they're willing to "let rip" on your behalf you could just let them. With any luck your parents will go off in a huff for a good long while.

Pippop1's email idea is a good one. My parents only email me (after I stopped answering the phone to them). Their emails get forwarded to dh and hidden from my sight. He reads them, and if he thinks I need to see them he shows them to me at a good time (when he is around to pick up the pieces!).

Thank you. Email is better sometimes but perversely when the insensitivity is there in black and white it somehow seems worse?

Maybe I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks and if I'm deemed as the cause of problems. Certainly something to think about - its a good point.

I guess I meant approval in the sense that you don't want to be seen as the Bad One.

None of their opinions matter (whoever they are).

What matters is that at a time when you should be given lots of consideration and kindness to help you through your grief you are being trivialised. Told you are being sensitive and that perhaps you should be over it by now.

If they cannot show you 'love' at a time like this when are they ever going to be any good for you?

Do write it down in a letter or email and send it to them. Have your say. You are very much entitled to it. Then put them aside and carry on with your life but don't expect anything from them.

I understand that that is a hard thing to do in practice. However your future happiness depends on them not being able to encroach into your life with all the past hurts.

Dear Monday,

I am so, so, sorry for your loss. That must be truly awful and desperately sad.

A few thoughts:

I suffered a bereavement in 2003 - an immediate family member - and what strikes me looking back is that I was immensely vulnerable and not at all myself for quite a period of time afterwards. I was back at work, functioning but incredibly sensitive to anything which remotely touched upon what I had been going through. I suspect that you need to protect yourself a lot more and give yourself a lot more time to heal. Blocking emails might be a good thing to do for a while.

Some people/personality types simply do not understand grief and loss. Your parents sound similar to my father (old-school, limited interpersonal skills, tactless, brush it under the carpet mentality), to whom I actually had to explain that I had been feeling sadness, grief and loss due to the death of this family member. He seemed genuinely surprised and I truly believe that he thought that because I had left home that I no longer felt much for them!

I know that infant losses used to be dealt with very poorly indeed and the approach would tend to be to brush the sadness under the carpet. Possibly they are expecting you to do the same thing.

Could it be worthwhile trying to convey to them some of what you have been feeling? Do you have any memory items that you would be willing to show them? Or maybe showing them poems or published writing about infant loss would help them to access some of your emotion.

Monday I am so sorry for you, your husband and your tiny precious daughter. I am also sorry that your family can't support you at such a time. The charity Sands produces support booklets and one is specifically designed for family members I think it is called 'for family and freinds, How you can help'. It is only a few pence from memory. Might it be worth sending one to them directly in the hope that it gives them some insight into the hell that you are going through and maybe highlight to them ways in which to be a bit more sensitive?
I wish you well and lots of luck x

Thank you all