Should I stay in an acceptable but unhappy marriage for my children?

[Kaslow]

He's a nice enough man - he adores me and supports us. But I married him because I got pregnant not cos I loved him. I was planning on leaving him when I conceived and remember being utterly horrified that I was now trapped. He drinks heavily and is depressed much of the time, has no friends and doesn't see any joy in anything. I am gregarious and outgoing by nature but he totally refuses a social life and is possessive to boot so I have difficulty maintaining one even by myself. I had an insane emotional affair a while back that was almost exclusively carried out via text message but non the less turned my rather sad little life around for a while with the glitter of passion . My husband saw a message and now literally stalks me because he doesn't trust me. The relationship was insane - ten years my junior and totally unsuitable so I gave it up once the cat was out of the bag but my husband won't let go. Goes through my computer phone and bank statements, checks my pockets and handbag and regularly asks about receipts or explanations of why a supermarket run took so long. This stuff is fairly legitimate as I did let him down but in a relationship I have no real desire to save and I was only going through the motions in a bid to fake it till I make it for the sake of my children it makes me hate him. The children adore him. He dotes on them. My gut feeling is that they must come first and I just bite down on the leather and get through till they are 18 but I look at that future with no joy in it and I feel such blackness. I'm bored under stimulated lonely and tired of pretending I love him. When I met him I was depressed after a break up with a crazy messed up play boy that had dragged me through a hedge backwards with his charm and cheating and I rebounded to someone 'safe'. I never loved him and knew from the minute we got together that I was in the relationship because he worshipped me and I enjoyed the kindness when my self esteem was rock bottom. I know that makes me a bitch. He is an alcoholic and a misery but apart from that a good dad and a kind loving supportive husband. I can act happy if I need to but do I need to? If he were out of my life a huge weight would be lifted. At the expense of my childrens happiness and security . What do I do? :-(

Leave, neither of you are happy.

The kids will be fine in time, but if you stay you risk upsetting them more but in subtle ways even if you dont mean to.

I don't think this is an "acceptable" marriage

I wouldn't accept it, and neither should you

your kids have no choice to be living in a house with a paranoid, possessive drunk, but you do

Never.

Why put your children through it? They WILL pick up on the fact that neither of you are happy.

It's not a nice environment to grow up in, trust me.

Children remember the tiniest things, the looks, the snipes, the hushed rows, the sulking and the crying.

Please, if you are not happy, being treated poorly, then leave.

Take your children and go.

Start by looking at THIS for practical advice.

It doesn't sound like the OP has acted with much integrity either :( You obviously care very little, if at all, for your H - maybe the right thing to do would be to be honest now, finally, and set you both free. Plenty of people here will tell you that children will be better off not being exposed to such a sham relationship that is no good for anyone.

In some circumstances, I might say yes, a lot of marriages are "acceptable" in that things tick along, they don't really argue, but perhaps they're not truly in love with each other. I think it can be selfish to break up a family to pursue that elusive love of your life, but this marriage doesn't look acceptable. It looks like quite a bad marriage

I had an unconsummated emotional affair and i dont love him so it's not really paranoid - I kind of understand it. I feel sorry for him . But it is maddening. The kids love him to bits and I feel strongly that kids need two parents . It was a corner stone belief for me which is why I married him when I fell pregnant. But I'm so down - rattle with antidepressants and am just going through the motions of my life. My kids are wonderful. The idea that I would damage them is horrendous and it scares me to bit s to think I would have to go through whole weekends without them. I love them dearly

Leave, leave soon, don't have any regrets. Do everything in your power to keep things amicable re the children, but it sounds like you'll both be happier apart - he can't be happy living with someone he doesn't trust.

The DCs will be fine as long as you resolve to never, ever, criticise their father in front of them and make contact/access as easy as possible.

For gods sake. Kids do NOT need two parents.

Plenty throughout the ages have been bought up with one parent and turned out just fine. Yours will be no different.

Re the whole weekends - I had shared custody with my Ex and older DCs. It was bloody hard at first and I missed them so much it was like a physical pain, but it did get easier. It is one of those things you get used to.

the kids will still have two parents

just not in the same house and very likelier much happier ones

having a weekend to yourself ? Is that a downside ?

Thank you. I agree I haven't acted with integrity no. But I am trying every day to do the right thing by staying with him but it's such misery to have to constantly reassure him which means constantly lying. I'm tired .

I think you need to leave, not only for your own sanity, but also for your husband's. It's also the 'template' you give to your children about what is a 'normal' (eek) loving relationship.

Take heart, there's a wonderful life to be had out there. Everyone deserves to be with someone who really loves them, and your husband deserves that as much as you do.

Good luck! I know how it feels to be very, very down about what you're living with. Give yourself a break away, maybe, and get some clear vision on what you want for yourself and how you'd go about it! Just making it a real possibility for yourself mentally will help you feel less trapped and unhappy in the meantime.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh - it does come across that you're really trying. But I think you've made so many unwise decisions that keeping on going with this is going to do more harm than good. If there's no way you can ever love your H, if you never have and you never will, then I think staying in this relationship will destroy you. Your OP is so sad - trapped, joyless, blackness, lonely, despressed, misery... You don't have to live like this.

I think you know you need to have that talk with him...

and I'm sorry but for me 'alcoholic and misery' and 'kind, loving and supportive' just don't describe the same person.

I think your feelings of guilt are clouding your vision of him: living with an alcoholic and a misery can't be much good for either you or your children

You went into the relationship for the wrong reasons, ok, but some people who do that find that the love then grows over time. In your relationship it just hasn't.

Don't carry on living this unhappy lie: there is a happy life for you and your children within your reach.

Of course it is terrifying to think of taking the plunge and changing everything, but isn't the other option worse?

No. My parent stayed in a bitterly unhappy marriage which finally ended within months of me going to university. I was aware throughout my childhood that they could not stand each other.

There was no joy in the household I grew up in.

I think I would have been much happier to have happy and separate parents than living in a pretense of a happy family.

Reading your posts OP tells me that there is nothing left in your heart to stay for.

It should be this hard, should it?

Maybe it's time you concentrated on YOU and your children.

This is no life to live.

Lose the idea of your marriage as him-the-saint and you-the-sinner, for a start. Yes, you had am 'emotional affair' because you were in contact with someone who treated you like a human being as opposed to a whining drunk who wants to drag you down until you are as miserable as he is.
You say you had ghastly relationships before you met H - you've just found another flavour of knob in your H. OK so he doesn't beat you or breach monogamy, but that's not enough to make someone into a good partner. A miserable, anti-social alcoholic is not a good partner, he';s a fairly failed human being and you would be so much better off taking the kids andgetting rid.
He will still be able to love his DC and spend time with them, and if he takes the end of the marriage as an inspiration to stop drinking and get counselling, that's an even better outcome.
But remember you don't owe him a couple-relationship if you don't want to be his partner.

Thank you all. I suspected more of a bashing - 5 years ago I would have criticised me terribly for even considering leaving . I just believe the kids will lose out in every way if i do what I want. We will be broke , I won't be able to afford childcare and won't be able to work - I earn very little after child care but always agreed that they were both our children and we shared the cost out of both pay packets so that at least psychologically it was worth me working. He's not bad - he drinks about 2 litres of cider a night , a lot more at weekends, but he works hard, brings in a good wage, is affectionate and gentle when not in a susicous mood - I can't blame him for being jealous he read some terriblly hurtful things to a much much younger than him. He does his fair share of chores . He's basically a good husband that needs to stop drinking . We are just totally mismatched. I'm loud, brash and the life andsoul and he's reclusive and sad. I needed his devotion once and I used him to heal a broken heart. I know i was a bitch - I m paying for it now. One split condom and here I am. I will never regret my children but I wish I'd never met him very much. I'm hurting both of us every day . He's a nice person. I'm not.

Don't waste time beating yourself up or looking for the villain of the piece - it doesn't help anyone. You need to decide how to act now with kindness and integrity. Doesn't sound like your sacrifice is really ensuring anyone else's happiness, does it? I don't think that a mother who is rattling with anti-depressants and a father who is self-medicating with cider is the best possible situation for your dcs, tbh.

Yes, you will pay a price, and that is that you will probably have to accept some weekends/holidays without your dcs. It's hard, although you might find that you quite enjoy getting some time to yourself as well. But this situation isn't doing anybody any favours.