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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on my nan.

20 replies

Crawling · 28/02/2011 09:50

Nothing is ever good enough for her, She moans about everyone except one of her children. If you do anything similar to that child E.G degree she will put you down and try to stop you. She has phoned both me and my mum up 4 times over half term to moan that I am lazy and my house is messy. My house is not spotless, but it is clean and similar to my other friends houses who have young children. She wants me to throw out my childrens toys because they make my house look messy.

She wants me to rehome my dog because she does not like it and she undermines me, E.G I told her my 18month old DD was not allowed fizzy drinks My nan spent 5 minutes arguing that it was okay in her day and that milk was not enough and she should not be still BF after 5 minutes I refused to discuss it further. When I turned my back she gave her the drink. I picked my DC up and left because I was very annoyed. She has nicknames for me that upset me she also refuses to accept I have bipolar and instead claims that it is because I am attention seeking, and lazy and exagerate problems. She tells me I am fat (I am a size 8) and she knows that yet buys me size 12 clothes and says she is sure I am lying about being a size 8.

But the rest of the time she is great I know that sounds stupid but she is very helpful and genuine, she will pick my DC up from school, is generous with money and when I am ill she will be very supportive and do my cleaning and just generally take care of me she takes me shopping as I have no car. What is going on? and what can I do about this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 10:45

Anyone or do you think I am being over sensitive I can get upset over silly things that seem reasonable as a result of my illness so it would help even if you think I am being silly.

OP posts:

PorkChopSter · 28/02/2011 10:54

I think if someone is treating you so nastily, you need to get some distance between you.
perhaps she feels since you are so dependent on her that she has a right to interfere/pass judgement/overstep boundaries. But she doesn't.

peggotty · 28/02/2011 10:58

Good god, what a nasty woman!!! No you are absolutely not being over-sensitive! I agree you need to take a step back from her. It looks to me like the 'good' things she does do not make up for her poisonous treatment of you. What does you mum think of her? Is she your mum's mum and was/is she like it with her?

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 11:01

Thank you I am not actually dependant on her she works shifts and some days she helps others she goes weeks without even seeing me. If she offers help I accept but if she doesnt I do it perfectly fine I dont need her but when I say no she gets very upset. When I am ill because of my illness it is my mum and my partner who help. She is also like it with her own children.

Lately I have been thinking of putting some distance between us.

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Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 11:02

Yes she is like it with my mum to, and her siblings except for one child who can do no wrong.

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PorkChopSter · 28/02/2011 11:36

I guess she sees you as beholden to her in some way. What does your mum say?

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 11:50

My mum has said she is sick and tired of her behaiviour and it is time to try a more direct approach. The rest of my aunts and uncles are also sick and tired of her canstantly putting them down. The uncle who is used as a stick to beat her other children is sick of being used to hurt his siblings everyone is sick of her behaviour. When I was 13 she came on holiday to disney with me and my mum and because I would not go on the ride she wanted me to she walked off and left me in the middle of Disney I had to go and find my mum because I had no phone or money and could not go back to the hotel where we were meeting up and was stuck it took me 2 hours to find my mum.

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topiarygal · 28/02/2011 11:52

Is she bi-polar?

Eglu · 28/02/2011 11:57

I think for the sake of your DC that you should limit contact with her. It will only be a matter of time before she treats them the same way and you can't let her them damage them the way she has you.

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 12:02

topiarygal as far as we are am aware she is not bi-polar.

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Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 12:49

I think you are right Eglu I just need to think how to do it.

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NotSoPukeyMummy · 28/02/2011 17:40

How old is she? Could it be the onset of dementia or Alzheimer's? I don't know much about this but both of my DH's grandmothers started being horrible to people and this was suspected. Same with my own Nan.

Is she on any kind of medication, because that can also cause this kind of behaviour, or so I'm told.

Can your Mum get her to see a GP?

Sorry, I'm not an expert but have seen the effects this can have on a family.

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 19:22

She is in her 60s and I have been concerned as have my family because lately she has been forgetful. E.G I will ring her up to see why she is late and she has completly forgotton that she should have met me. She forgets her keys and then we have to go and help her, she forgets to put her glasses on and lately she has been looking tired has to have lots of naps but gets angry and upset if you notice it.

It is partly why she has been allowed to behave like this because we can see that she is getting old now. We have tried to get her to speak to someone but she gets angry and upset and refuses to.

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Tortington · 28/02/2011 19:25

i found with my nan that as she got older her world got smaller - until the only thing she really had to think on was family.

if she is mobile, i think you need to get her to join some kind of club - then she can bitch abotu the people there.

my nan went to a breakfast club every wednesday, and ohh she did like to bitch about it

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 19:35

custardo my nan is quite active she works full time (wont retire wont cut her hours) attends bingo twice a week and has about 4 friends she goes to lunch with every week she also goes for spa weekends, she has a good social life too much in a way as it wears her out and she makes herself constantly tired but lately she has been forgetting and not going out as much past few weeks.

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NotSoPukeyMummy · 28/02/2011 19:37

Hmmm....my parents and PILs are all in their 60s and none of them are as forgetful as that.

Does anyone else think there could be something medical going on here?

There is a thread on AIBU about a MIL at the moment and someone on there suggested it could be Alzheimer's or similar, which is what made me think.

I don't know how to get your Nan to get help though....sorry.

Original poster

Crawling · 28/02/2011 20:38

NotSoPukeyMummy
I have just told my mum and she said she will get her to see someone somehow. Thank you I think you may be right and even if there is nothing wrong I know she is worrying over her forgetting things and that may make her lash out she is also concerned because two of her older siblings died a few years ago and it seems to be worrying her, she has also been caring for another sibling who is very ill at the moment so it may be just that she is lashing out but either way we will get her to see someone.

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RunAwayWife · 28/02/2011 20:48

How old is she? you might not have to put up with her much longer

NotSoPukeyMummy · 28/02/2011 20:49

Glad to hear it, Crawling.

I really hope, for your sake, it is something medical and that she can get help, rather than just that she's being nasty.

ItAlwaysRains · 16/04/2025 01:16

I was in an abusive relationship, my mother was always encouraging me to leave stating me and the children were welcome at hers, I put a plan in place and eventually left, when i arrived she had let my brother
move in so we had to share a tiny bedroom single bed with my daughter on a blowup bed 2 door wardrobe but sibling and motherd partner had their clothes in, so tiny space and the room too small to put any other drawers etc in.while he had the bigger room as he had his child a night here and there, sometimes fortnightly sometimes extra nights. Any item that belongs to us including toothbrush, cup etc is not allowed anywhere other than our room, she speaks to my child with nastiness and Bitterness. Any item my child has and leaves anywhere other than our bedroom gets such nasty comments but she has toys cups etc for other family members children, the list goes on, sometimes I feel we should have stayed with the abusive ex as at least it wasn't 24/7 not sure why I've put this post just needed a rant I think, still trying to sort a home for me and my kids, beggars can't be choosers I suppose

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