Mediation

[lemonstartree]

Anyone done this?

I separated from my husband in August 10. Decree Nisi granted, going to mediation to sort out the children's access and financial stuff.

He is a manipulative, aggressive, abusive shit who emotionally and physically abused our children and emotionally and financially abused me ( I am the major bread winner) Although I know the mediators are experienced, and they are aware of the background, I'm terrified of being in the same room as him.

Anyone had experience of coping with this ?

thanks

lst x

sorry no experience, but could a lawyer represent you ?

Hmm...this confirms my view that mediation doesn't work for everyone. It didn't for me - mediators are not "on your side", they are rightly neutral, and that makes it hard in certain cirumstances. I felt bullied and uncomfortable throughout our sessions. A good mediator (not sure mine was) will help - you can choose the one you want, speak to them beforehand and so on. Or talk to your lawyer about collaborative law - like mediation (sort of) but with both your lawyers in the room. I wish we'd done this - my lawyer is tougher than me, and my husband ended up going back to his lawyer all the time anyway so the legal bills weren't exactly low...

My ex sounds just like yours and we are about to start mediation although i haven't actually issued the divorce petition yet.

So far both myself and my ex have had a one hour private session with the mediator which was free but you have to pay for subseqent sesssions

The next session we have to have is the joint one. I am dreading it. I am still living in the same house as my ex and he came back from his mediation session saying he thought the woman was "nice"

Anyway, the way I look at it is this - mediation is free if you're on legal aid and it doesn't have to be paid back out of your settlement like lawyers fees do, so even if you don't agree on everything, you might get some stuff sorted.

I cannot see my ex and I agreeing on ANYTHING at mediation BUT I have to go in order to qualify for legal aid.

So the plan is I go to mediation because I have too, then, if you can't agree, it goes to court anyway.

You must show willing at mediation though. Easier said than done I know. I plan on having a wash and blow dry at the salon before I turn up for mediation and I also plan on having a friend meet me straight after so that even if the mediation goes badly, I'm gonna walk out with a smile on my face, greeting a friend and going for coffee. I'm not gonna let that bastard think he's upset me ANYMORE.

One more thing, I read somewhere that men were much happier with the settlements they negotiated at mediation sessions and women were much happier with settlements received as a result of a court hearing.

This makes me think that there are an awful lot of agressive manipulative men out there.

I did it, he sulked throughout and was as obstructive as possible as the mediator told him everything I had been for the last 6 months, but that was becasue he was an immature shit not a bully.

Can you go seperately at first ? Voice your concerns about being intimidated - they should take this seriously....from their point of view they don't want to provoke any effects after the session.

Have the police been involved at all even to log any threatening behaviour rather than actual incidents ? This should influence whether you have to actually be there from the first session or if you could take someone else to provide support ?

You should be able to go to seperate sessions first

Good luck, I know how horrendous it is walking around trying to get on with our life with a huge knot in your stomach with having to still deal with the ar**hole you are trying to get away from

prettywhiteguitar - did you manage to negotiate a good settlement at mediation or did you end up in court anway?

No we didn't go to court, there was no money involved as we weren't married. It was about unreasonable behaviour and name change. We did settle things but only after a very unsatisfying meeting, he then went to his solicitors and the next day agreed to my reasonable demands, it was really due to the fact that I wasn't asking for anything out of the ordinary.

He was afraid about going to court as he had a history of drug use which I documented from the obliging facebook.

Mediation only worked for me because the woman doing it backed me up.