feeling dead inside

[elephantsaregreen]

I'm at the point in my own relationship where I feel dead inside.

I was motivated to post after reading Attilathemeerkat's very excellent post on another thread.

My dp is not a bad man, no abuse or bad stuff. But he is very very introverted and has a history of depression. To cut a long story short I felt in January after a long period of feeling very very ignored, that we should split. He jumped back on his anti-depressants and pleaded to go to counseling with me. which I agreed. Now we are just... coasting. The kids are happy, we like our house we get along ok, but I feel like we are housemates, not in a loving partnership iyswim. We are very different intellectually and emotionally. He hardly touches me.

I'm so torn. Someone said, if I could have a guarantee that the break-up would be amicable and pain free, would I leave and I think I would.

I don't feel like I am in the relationship I want to be in. But because the kids are 3 and 5 I feel like I'm being 'selfish' and wrecking their home if I split it up.

Plus logistically it would be very hard to be separated.

In a way, I feel like I'm taking the easy way out by staying together. but it's harder on me personally.

We've had two counseling sessions and haven't made much progress yet, but have a session later this week.

I'm not really sure what my question is. I guess I wish there was a litmus test which would help me decide if I will be permanently unhappy in this relationship.

Are you having counselling together; at this early stage it is perhaps better to have counselling solely. He may want to dominate any joint counselling session, make it all out to be your fault or talk over you.

No break up is ever pain free but it ought to be amicable. Both parties can and should act amicably towards each other post separation; that can make it easier for all concerned as well particularly the children.

You sound very responsible for him, am I right on this point?. His depression is not your responsibility though, it is his. He is not taking responsibility. He may be happy with things as they are; how much too is this really down to him acting like an arse here?. Looks like too he finally got wind that you were really going to go through with a split, as a result he restarts taking the ADs (did he himself decide to come off them originally?) and pleading with you. It sounds all very manipulative on his part; he perhaps told you what you wanted to hear.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. You write that the children are happy and they likely are but they see you as their Mum who is unhappy and wonder why. They are picking up on all the unspoken tension between you and your man. You would not necessarily be wreaking their home if you were to part; better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. Your children will see you happier as well.

Do you live in hope he will somehow change?. You may well be waiting a long time, perhaps for the rest of your days, for that to happen and he may not want to change either.

Where do you see yourself in say 3 years time?.

I'm bumping this for you.

I have no experience of what you describe but must say it sounds shite. There's nothing wrong with the housemates scenario, if that's what you want, but you don't.

If he goes back on his HDs when you make a threat, then he may repeat it when you appear to acquiesce.

Fuck the logistics.

You ask for a litmus test and guarantee. There are none.

Youngsters also do not have a gauge by which to judge the relative soundness of their parents? marriage, since this is the only role model they know. If parents have a non-intimate, yet civil relationship, the children may perceive them as having a happy union, and may not realize the reality until they mature.

That is not a lesson you really want to be teaching your children is it?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - think carefully about what both of you are teaching them here.

You are a long time dead and you really don't want to go through life feeling dead inside. Love should not be such hard work honestly.

Are you with him now primarily because of habit, feeling sorry for him, the fear of the unknown and going it alone, the perceived embarrassment and shame (both those are misplaced by the way) of a split?. Be honest with yourself here. He can still be a dad to his children but its down to him to step up to the plate here with regards to them.

Sorry, that sounded rude, which was not my intention.

Have a look at the "I s it OK to break up a family/" thread.

The scenario isn't yours, but many of the responses will be helpful.

well here is my litmus test.

will you be unhappy if you stay in this relationship? yes. or comfortably numb. neither very pleasant.

will you be happy if you leave this relationship? no one can say for sure but you have more chance than if you stay.

Hi all.
Thanks for your responses. I live in NZ so my morning is your night and it takes me a while to respond.
Patience I didn't take that as rude but thanks for clarifying
Attila thanks for your thoughts. The bit about 'are you with him primarily because of habit, etc' rings very true for me. I have the awful thing where I hate being 'the bad guy' and am struggling to give myself permission to 'observe' the problems and be brave enough to raise them and say that it can't go on like this.

My first response is always to examine myself and see how I possibly contributed to this situation. Which is exhausting and makes it really hard to pick a course of action. I'm seeing my own counselor which great, but hard work too.

Smashing - thanks for that test. I suppose I see there is the possibility of life being great in five years time if I take the plunge and separate, I just can't get past the fact that this is selfish. I'm trying to hold on to Attila's wise words from the other thread about what am I teaching them.

I had a moment the other day where I looked at him and thought 'I don't love you'. That made me incredibly sad. Everything else in our life is great. (house, family unit). I just don't feel loved like I need to feel loved. I know that he loves me in his way, but it's not hitting the mark and that's not fair on him either...

I feel like a mean person. and part of me wonders, 'is this just what long-term relationships are like'?

Hi elephants,

This sounds a little like me too, although dp and I are still in denial about it (him more than me I think).

I don't know if this is what relationships are just like - not a fairytale is it?!

Elephants, was your relationship good at any point? Was there a time when you did feel happy and that you did love him? Same question goes for you I suppose vic77en. I think all relationships go through highs and lows and there will be times in even very happy relationships where you feel tired of the other person and you might think that things will never get better. But I think it the relationship was happy and fulfilling at one point then it is possible to get back to that. It does take effort though.

It might be worth thinking about and possibly writing down all the things that are missing for you at the moment, all the things that you want from a relationship but don't have. Then think, can my DH provide these things, or am I in fact looking for a completely different person? Sometimes it can happen that one or both partners changes so much that it's not possible for them to really see eye to eye any more. I think when that happens it is a good idea to move on. But I think every effort should be made to salvage the relationship first.

I think if you feel like this now, what will you feel like 20 years down the line when you look back on your married life. Will you regret not making a break when you had the chance?

Believe me when you are older there are not the opportunities that you have when you are younger to make a new start.

Long-term relationships should not make you feel dead inside.

Thanks all.
Writer, I think I might try that idea of writing a list. But to answer your question, we only knew each other for a short while (3months) before we got pregnant with our first. The second one was close behind, we bought a house, had a termination, had a rough year with work.... In a way we've been a good couple as long as we have 'projects' things that we've had to deal with together. Planning, etc. So there are have definitely been times when things have been good/great. It just feels very far away now.

One of the things that triggered this all for me is that we went on a holiday in Oct and spent time with my family (mother/brother/SIL) and I was struck by the stark contrast between my family and him. This was after months of feeling ignored, him really withdrawn and me trying everything I could think of to get him to deal with me and the relationship. I also reconnected with an old flame/best friend and it was such a reminder of a type of connection (intellectual) which I know I'll never have with dp. (Old flame is in the USA and in a relationship now so no real threat there, and yes, I'm well aware of the grass is greener/idealisation issues)

I just wonder if I am making this worse. If I only could just 'shake it off' and stop being so self-absorbed everything would be fine. I feel sad/mad a lot of the time. resentful.

Vic77, have you got kids?

Part of me wishes that we could end things and agree that doesn't mean the relationship was a failure. But I know that is how he will take it. It'll feed into his negative self-narrative big time.

Might go write that list now...