Advice for a male friend please.

[bigandbootiful]

EXH and I split a year ago.

We have been together for 15 yrs and have 3 DCs.

He had been having an affair for about a year and after alot of horrible things said - he told me he wanted to go off and be with her, have kids with her etc etc and that he had never loved me.

she is 14 yrs younger than him, has 2 DCs with her partner ( a friend of mine) who over the past year she has stayed living with and lying to him. In September he found out about the affair and they decided to work on their relationship and apparently everything was going well. According to her partner - I was aware that my EXH was still seeing her as they mentioned her name and said they had seen her when they are with him.

My friend has now realised that they were still seeing each other and big show down with her. going for counselling, working on them and the reasons for her affair. She says it is not going anywhere with my EXH but having problems stopping it.

My friend completely broken up about this and unsure what to do. On the one hand she has not left him and EXH has three bed house etc for her to move into but seems incapable of stopping it. On the other hand she has not stopped.

In peoples experience do they think she is going to leave and set up with my EXH or stay with her partner?

I have told him that it may not be my EX but it will be another one and he should cut loose now, she seems to want to have her cake and eat it.

By the way no chance of me and EXH getting back together, there is a limit to the amountof abuse and lies anyone can take and he passed it along time ago.So no ulterior motive on my part other than protecting my DCs.

Hmmmmmmmm. No chance of you and EX getting back- but what about you and the "friend"? You seem very involved.

I don't think there is any answer to your question. Who can possibly know what this woman will do? She doesn't even know the answer herself. She has found herself inthe painful situaiton of, presumably, loving 2 men and not knowing who to choose. It's one of those "be careful what you wish for" scenarios- she has got her OM if she wants him- but does she now want him?

You are too close to the situation to give "advice" and I cannot really see what you want to achieve.

I am sorry your marriage broke up- but if you are honest, are you not showing some revenge tactics here- you don't want the OW to get your Ex, so you are trying to interfere?

Rather than supporting your male friend, in the rebuilding of his marriage, you are actually enouraging him to end his marriage. Is this genuinely so he escapes his situation, or so that his wife ends up with a fait accompli- other than your ex?

TBH what she does and what your ex does is not your business any more. You are divorced. It mightbe painful to watch your male friend suffer, from his wife's indecision, but it's not your place to try to control the situation- which is what you are doing, even if you won't acknowledge it.

Holy cow - he asked me my opinion and I was honest with him. On the other flip side - I also helped him find a marriage counsellor, who they are attending - so would not say I was trying to end his marriage. My words were, go for counselling and see where it leads, if it fails then at least you know you tried and can look the DCs in the face. If it survives then you will need to find a new set of ground rules that the counsellor will help you set, so you can both move forward.

I can not see my EXH staying with anyone either and will move on to the next affair and told him that aswell.To be honest they deserve each other.

definitely not controlling the situation.

He asked me to post on here, not ym idea!

Never a good idea to post for anyone else- tell him to post himself.

Why didn't you say this in the f irst place- it makes the whole thing different.

I think the fact that he asked you to post, and the fact that he is tolerating this situation says a lot about him.

Why doesn't he just tell her to make her mind up- but leave while she decides? Or he leaves while she decides? She is carrying on like this because he allows it.

A bunch of internet strangers can't give him the odds.

bollocks
abunch of internet strangers have helped me and people i post about more times than i can say.

i think its perfectly normal to do so

also it is mega bollocks that she is 'allowed' to keep having the affair. it is her decision

A bunch of internet strangers can't give him the odds.

This is not the same as saying a bunch of internet strangers cannot help.

we cannot crystal ball gaze.

I am sorry but I dispute your claim that what I wrote is "mega bollocks" you are entitled to your opinion though.

It is her decision to have an affair. yes. it is also his decision to allow the status quo to remain, so she can continue to have 2 men in her life and continue to hurt him.

He doesn't have to let her choose.

He can always take control of the situation.

If it was a woman posting here, and saying that her husband had another woman and would not stop seeing her and seemed unable to make a decision and was still living with her but seeing the other woman etc, I know what the advice would be!

Quite, Hecate.