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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hubby & I finally over.........

21 replies

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:12

Really need a hug....crying..really loud. He has told me to shut up!
Have been on before, with issues over step daughters, got 3 of them. One of them just causes trouble. Finally snapped this weekend. She's taken some of my make-up, again. Just lost the plot, went potty at DH, just coz they're his kids! I know some of you will say i'm out of order, but have taken this sort of crap, & more for the past 5 yrs.
Told DH i didn't like SD2, don't trust her, especially when shes told me she knows how to steal & can get away with it!!!
So he said we can't be together anymore, & he wants me out of the house asap. Oh we have a DS, age 4. Had whole bottle of wine to self.
Plus, lost my grandad, 30th Aug. That's soooo hard. Help

OP posts:

overdraft · 19/10/2005 00:14

Oh you poor love i have no words to make it better and hope somebody ahs soon.Please go and talk to him and don't let step children split you up xxxx i know it can be so hard

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:19

Its too late OD, he's told me that he doesn't want me in the house coz i said i hate his kids. I don't. I adore the other 2, although they have made life difficult at times. But the 18yr old has apologised for her behaviour in the past. It's the 16 yr old. She cunning, sly, always trying to split me & DH to cause an arguement. Had to phone the Homeless centre via the council today. They make you feel like Sh*t too.

OP posts:

Buddhamummy · 19/10/2005 00:20

sending you hugs clare . Where are you going to sleep? if you can best to try to go to sleep and deal with it all afresh tomorrow. Its hard to have any clarity at this time of night. I know the situation will still need sorting but better when its not so raw still.And hats off to anyone who has step children, and especially girls, thats gotta be tough. sorry not more helpful.xxxx

overdraft · 19/10/2005 00:24

tell him you love them.It is not her you hate surely but this horrible behaviour.Step families are so hard arn't they? Is he always taking her side? sorry i don't know much about you Clare.Can he not see she is causing the trouble.If he could just show a united front with you i bet this would all stop.Tell him you adore them

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:26

Not moving out till i have a safe place for me & DS. He has threatened to change the locks. But it will make it worse for himself, coz he's making me & his son homeless. Have been writing him a letter for the past 3 hours trying to explain how we've got to this point. Soooo complicated. Ex wife more interested in her new husband & his perfect kids, then the 3 girls get rejected, no discipline, we got the aftermath. But he's always gonna stick up for his kids. Supose i would if it was me. But it' not my fault!!!!!!!! Why should i have to go?

OP posts:

overdraft · 19/10/2005 00:28

Is there not a helpline for step parents think I saw one somewhere where you could both get support?

overdraft · 19/10/2005 00:29

He also has a son with you dose he still favour them?

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:31

OD, i feel that i have been pushed, tried & tested. He has said theres no going back. Over the past 2 yrs little things of mine have gone missing, but i never said anything, But this is all over a pair of hairdressing scissors. She just takes things, then keeps them. I can't stand it. I sent her a text on Monday telling her she was a cheat & a thief. A bit harsh i know. Then got abusive texts all day. DH said i deserved them.

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Chandra · 19/10/2005 00:33

Clare, I really don't know what to say but wanted to tell you somebody was listening[hugs]...

Actually... OK, please don't take me very seriously because I have never been a stepmum and I'm probably talking rubish. I believe that when you marry you also marry the family, BUT that does NOT affect your rights to be respected as an individual. It is understandable that you feel frustrated or even hand-tied with the situation but, considering that she is 16 yrs old and most 16 yrs old are going through "that" difficult phase so many people complain about...I'm not excusing her behaviour here but... would you be able to hang on there for a little more until the storm passes?

He can't ask you to leave the house, it's his son's house as well. Surely you have some rights, don't you?. I believe that it would be a good idea to try to find what can you do together to improve the situation (or at least to "navigate it" better until it eases). But if he insists in you leaving the house check first which are your rights before walking out of it. It's not about keeping the house, but about insuring the relationship ends in a way that is beneficial for all parties, especially for your son.

I wish you the best of luck and sincerely hope things get better.

Chandra · 19/10/2005 00:33

mmm, I have just probably corssposted...

overdraft · 19/10/2005 00:34

Did you split up her mum and dad or is there much of an age difference.Sounds like she is jealous of you

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:41

Chandra, thats exactly what i've said to people when they said "Oh my god 3 step daughters" If you love someone, you accept the whole package.
I'm only 32, the girls are 12, 16 & 18.
But this storm has been around for about 3 years.
SD2 has hormonal problem once a month, turns her into a phsycho, & shes attacked her mum, & i've had to go & try to sort things out.
But all this is forgotten by DH. At the moment i want to make him suffer. he's never dealt with the girls, just shouted at them. Thats no good, they needed attention. Thier mum didn't give it to them.
Losing my Grandad hasn't helped. Never lost anyone this close.

OP posts:

overdraft · 19/10/2005 00:42

need to go to bed but don't leave your home.she needs to grow up and he needs to support you.Sleep well clare and keep talking on here for support.Night x x

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:45

No OD didn't split them. Already split. She was living up north, then found out about us, came back to the midlands, made herself homeless, got put into a hostel, the kids got bullied. Hopefully you get the idea about the ex, without too much explanation!

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Chandra · 19/10/2005 00:48

Clare, in other circumstances I would suggest to leave him with them on his own so he can appreciate what you do, unfortunately that seems not to be a good idea atm.

I worry about you wanting to hurt him, it is understandable that you feel like that, but hurting is like a snowball, if you let her roll you may find out that it may turn too big to deal with it, and you may be hit by it as well. I believe it is a good idea to calm down before talking the things through, it is not only about your relationship, but about how your DS's life may be affected, and obviously you want the best for him either if you stay or you decide to leave.

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 00:54

I know what you mean Chandra. I just feel hurt & let down by him over the past couple of years. Fortunately, we've been keeping things mormal in front DS. Although i can't stop crying. But bless him, he thinks that i'm sad that Grandpa is living with the angels. But i will be calling CAB tomorrow for more advice. Although the house isn't in my name, i will make sure the we have somewhere decent & clean to live, before we move out. But who knows how long these things take!

OP posts:

Chandra · 19/10/2005 00:59

Could it help you to calm down to take an in-house holiday? Basically, if he comes to you saying hurtful things don't answer back, don't play his game, just tell him you have heard him and you want to talk about it too but that you would like to discuss the subject when you feel calm enough to talk objectively about what has happened.

Don't know if that makes sense.

I have to go now, but hope things look a bit brighter tomorrow. Keep posting

Original poster

Clare1406 · 19/10/2005 01:01

Thanks, going to bed too. Gotta go work in morning.

OP posts:

glitterfairy · 19/10/2005 08:06

I read this last night Clare dont know what to say but how are you this morning?

throckenholt · 19/10/2005 08:17

try and write down everything - keep a copy for you, and give one to DH - it may not help now but it might help later when feelings are a bit less ruffled.

Be honest, say if you have made mistakes, say what you think is going wrong. Also say what you think is good.

ninah · 19/10/2005 12:47

Don't leave the house, you have a right to remain there as it's your 4 year old son's home at least until something suitable can be found for both of you. Take legal advice if necessary, but this was what I was advised by solicitor friend, courts refer to Childrens Act and benefit of child is paramount. I'm hoping this is something you can sort out given time, but be aware you are not in as weak a position as you think/he is implying.

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