Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

name calling

9 replies

Hope4me · 27/02/2011 20:37

I have been married for 21 years and have regretted it for half that time. My kids are fab and love their dad, which has made making a decision so much worse. For the first time a few weeks ago I phoned the police. He had lost the plot and as usual was smashing up my things...i thought I was gonna kill him...i was so angry.. so to stop it qucikly I called 999. You see i fight back and we scrap, but this time he was scary.

The name calling has not stopped since..fat, ugly, stupid, smelly, no one will ever love me...no one will ever fancy me...you have no friends...even your family hate you...vicious, nasty woman...useless at sex and tonights favorite ...nasty piece if shit! I have suffered emotional abuse for many years now and he is full of hatred. (having said that he was hassling for sex these past 2 days...!)

He is now asleep drunk on the sofa having had a row over him spilling food on the klitchen floor and walking away and leaving it for me to clean up. Eventually he swept it up but only after he waved his fist in my faced, swore and screamed and called me all the names he usual does.

I have never told my story to another living sole. My fiend and parents think he is lovely. If I told them what my life was like I am not sure they would belive me, think I must be stupid for putting up with it, and he would make my life a living hell for breaking the news. I know he would run away back to his family (abroad) take everything he could with him and leave me pennyless.

Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 27/02/2011 20:45

Ok, you called the police on him - the first time in 21 years? That's good. That's great. You're breaking free.

Are you sure your kids love him so much? Are you sure your parents and friends think he's lovely?

When you get out of this torture, which you will soon, you'll discover that a lot of people have wondered why the hell you've put up with him for so long.

See a solicitor tomorrow morning and you'll find out he can't leave you pennyless. Find out what your options are, and start making plans.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/02/2011 20:57

Been there, 10 years, he went a week ago.

Firstly, all those names he called you? All bollocks, only designed to hurt you, to shut you up and to belittle you.

Challenge every name he calls you. You know your family love you. You KNOW you have friends. You know you are NOT useless at sex... but he's hassling you for it... IF that was true, he'd take it or leave it.

I used to lie and cover up for mine. The pressure NOT to let people see how he let me down. Then he told my friend's H a pack of lies, designed to make him ban our friendship. I just discovered he destroyed a much loved plant of mine today for no reason other than because it was mine and I liked it.

When he betrayed me to my friends, it was a tipping point for me. I realised that to make me look BAD, he had to LIE. For me to make HIM look BAD, all I had to do was tell the TRUTH. Once you get to this place, and let the veils fall from your eyes and everyone elses, you are free. The relief is astounding, the support and friendship you get is humbling.

Do you own your own home? if so, you can put a caution on the deeds and register your interest in the property. Collect all the financial information you can, statements, bills, etc. Birth certificates, passports, you name it, pack it. Get some money together.

Protect yourself as much as possible. Accept that your life has to change radically, and you may have to take the baton and run with it pretty fast to maintain normal family life without him, but the rewards will start to be felt immediately.

Please go and see the CAB and work out what you could be entitled to, tell them your fears of flight, and see if there is anything you could do to remove the risk of him flitting.

I'd also suggest you contact Women's Aid too, they will help you get out of the abusive situation and advise and support you, as will all of us.

Well done for starting this journey, starting with us. Please keep talking and we will be here for whatever you need, whenever you need it.

Hope4me · 27/02/2011 21:00

Friends and family do say to me regularly...Isn't Xxxx lovely...he's is always happy and smiling. The last time someone said it I said 'really you should try living with him'. They looked at me as if I was lying or grew 2 heads !

No one will find him where he plans to go. He will disappear and I will get nothing I am sure. He has already said he will make sure that happens.

I needed to see what it felt like to tell my story. I agree i do want to leave and do need to plan.

Thanks

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 27/02/2011 21:05

Oh mine was the king of charming my friends if it suited him, smarming all over my mum, telling his friends how wonderful I was....

Complete contrast to how YOU are treated. It's another manipulation technique to further isolate you.

Gah!, bloody hell, that's actually me just realising this now, it didn't make any sense. Until now.

If you know what you are playing with, then plan accordingly.

He'll have underestimated you, he won't think you will be capable of taking him on... But you (and we) know differently!

dignified · 27/02/2011 21:05

Im sorry hes doing this to you , this is severeley abusive behaviour . Ive experienced the same and found the effects of the constant name calling far more devestating than physical violence .

Have you contacted womans aid ? They can help you if you chose to leave , and if your not they will just listen and support you. I understand your reluctance at speaking to freinds and family , but please do think about doing that . Abusers often present a loveley front to outsiders , its only at home , in private , they show their true colours.

Re your kids , they might well love their dad , but his abuse of you is also an abuse of them and their very basic rights . Do seek out some support , any feelings of guit , shame are not yours , but his.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/02/2011 21:06

The other thing is. I'd rather struggle without any money than go through that again.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/02/2011 21:08

My DS is already showing signs of being less into his DF. He saw what X did to our plant today and this afternoon said he didn't feel like talking to him on the phone today.

Don't underestimate your DC, they will see him for what he is faster than you think.

mumonthenet · 27/02/2011 21:12

he says you will get nothing?

as you already know, he will say anything, literally anything, in his attempt to control you. You simply must detach from his words and find out the facts for yourself.

dignified · 27/02/2011 21:18

The name calling is probably him projecting op , dont take it on. Is he fat / smelly / disliked by his family / shit at sex by any chance ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread