Does anyone not really like their parents?

[notamummysgirl]

I've namechanged because I feel a bit guilty.

I don't think I like my mum very much. She is totally self absorbed.
She thinks everyone is bullying her, and against her if they don't admire her and praise her.

She doesn't come to visit when DS (4) is up as she "can't talk with him around", can't hear herself think.
When she says talk, that's exactly what she means, her "blah balh me me me blah" while I nod along.

She moved us around constantly as kids, wherever her man at hte time wanted to be. left me with her friends horrible old husband who made me rub my hands over his bits. (I was 10)

I have a brother a yr younger than me who she does everything for- wouldn't move him in his GCSE year (having moved me in mine) paid for his driving lessons and insurance despite him being 25 with a full time job, just generally fawns over him. Then I have to listen to how unappreciated she is when he doesn't kiss her feet.

I got a job recently, having been looking for quite a long time. She decides they'll come over to 'celebrate'
The whole eving she read the paper, talked about herself, about how hard everything is for her and updated her fb status, while I made them endless cups of tea.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want the whole conversation to revolve around me but a celebration it wasn't.

I know this sounds like a load of rambling but it's building up into huge resentment and I feel like I don't want to see her anymore.

Does anyone else dislike their mum or dad?
Waht do I do?

Not a lot no.

My mother is an extremely difficult woman, self absorbed and totally lacking any sort of empathy with anyone. A problem is not a problem unless it adversely effects her.

She spent my childhood bullying and belittling me. Blaming me and making me her scapegoat. I was always the bad on, always the one at fault. Apparently I didn't like being cuddled as a baby so what could she do ?!

We didn't speak for a number of years - I was young and it was me who eventually tried to reconcile for the sake of my Dad and younger sibblings. I didn't understand her behaviour then but now I have my own DC it is incomprehensible.

I haven't cut her out for the sake of the wider family but I can barely be in the same room as her. I also feel increasingly sad that my dad spectacularly failed to recognise how emotionally unpleasant she was to me

GORGEOUSX - sometimes the tie is better, not severed, but made more loose so that we have more room to breathe.
Some parents don't really deserve to be tied to their children.

Yes, Lint I agree... looser is better.

I always used to think I had a brilliant relationship with my parents, then u realised that was only because I bent and scraped around them and my sister, the return was never forthcoming.

I have had a few threads recently about them, and am very subtly distancing myself. If they behave themselves then the status quo will remain, if not...well.

I wouldn't choose them as friends or whatever, let's put it that way.

Nancy Spookily similar. I was scapegoated -always called difficult by my mother. I kept the peace for many years and then a couple of crises made me realise how awful she was. I also realised that only people she influenced by dripping poison about me had any problems with me. It was a revelation.

I also worked out she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder which has helped to see her fit the profile so much.

I see her at some family gatherings -she actually gives me the creeps and makes my skin crawl now

I too am sad my dad didnt protect me and didnt stand up to her. But hed been well messed up by unloving strange parents.

I have no contact except taking children to see them now and again. To have no contact makes me so happy.

I did start a thread a few years ago about adopting a mum - got some really interesting replies. I would love a mum - I didnt realise what it could mean to your life till I had children myself.

Mittzy - what you said about the 'rucksack' makes a lot of sense.

I thought that when DSs were born that my parents would want to be a part of their lives. They don't.

Its only in the last year I realised that and stopped making excuses for their behaviour.

My Dad died 20 years ago and is a much missed part of my life.

My Mother is awful, we have never had any type of positive relationship. She is a selfish, neurotic woman who has rewritten my childhood in her head. I was adopted in the 1960's and she later had a biological child which led to a very strange family dymanic.

So many phrases ring home on this thread, I have often craved a real Mum figure and really envied friends.

I do keep in touch, about 2 very short visits a year and will answer her occasional phone calls but will never call her.

I try every day to make my own children realize how much I love and cherish them.

I've not seen my parents for 5 years. My dads got two grown up kids from his first marriage and they don't see him either. 3 out of 3 kids can't all be wrong!.

Once they've gone you don't miss them because they don't really support you just try and control you, least that's my experience anyway.

I've had maaaaaaaaaany problems with my mother and father and stepmother.

Father and SM treated me and my brother like crap and still do given the chance. Their daughter, (my half sister) is the golden child and can do no wrong. They properly screwed with my head and it's only been since having children I've seen it all for what it is. I've since managed to put miles and miles and lots of emotional distance between us and don't plan and having much to do with them - it's fantastic. It's not been easy and I've angsted about whether I'm doing the right thing (especially as they've told everyone that I'm the bad person in teh scenario) but it's all not my problem now, it's not in my face anymore.

Ironically I had 8 years of not seeing my mother but since having children we've sorted things out and are very close. It's nice, but she was willing and there's the difference.

I hope you can find a way through - counselling helped me.

no, I don't like mine much

I have no guilt about that

they are not likeable people

if they weren't my parents, I would have no contact with them at all, nor would I even know them in the first place

My dad is alot like your Niecie and Mittzy... fortunately, my mum managed to get away recently and is thriving on her own. Unfortunately, my dad isnt doing so well, and now is left up to us to help him

Hugs, not much to say My life is nowhere near some of the stuff I've heard on here. but don't wanna leave it unanswered

My parents are pretty dysfunctional I made a thread on my mum and lack of boundaries, she has ishoo's but has made them mine.

Reading through all these replies, I recognised my mother in just about all of them! When I visit or talk to her on the phone, you could be forgiven for thinking that I am some random visitor and that the carers (one visits every day to assist with my dad) are her family. I could write pages and pages about her, and I'm sure you'd all recognise your own mothers in there too...

She can't understand why my brother doesn't visit often, or stay more than 2 minutes when he does (he lived there for a while recently so goes back occasionally to collect post - he's in an out like a dose of salts) - I understand perfectly.

As far as my mother is concerned, daughter = sounding board. For me, the hardest thing is not getting sucked into her little world. Now I try not to attach any importance to any of her complaints, just nod and make appropriate noises as necessary and allow her to vent. A proper, two-way conversation isn't possible with her, and since lack of contact is not an option (I love my dad dearly, and my kids love him too)so I need to train myself not to expect one.

In an ideal world we would all love our parents, but then in an ideal world our parents would have nurtured us and provided for us emotionally as well as physically. Although I feel sad that I really missed out on the whole 'motherly love' thing, the best I can do is be a better mother to my children than mine was to me.

Me too. :(

I have cut all contact with my family, had therapy and am finally at 47 begining to stop hiding and live my life.

It doesn't stop me having a broken heart though.

I don't like my dad very much. Unfortunately he had a severe stroke over 10 years ago and is very limited in what he can do so I am obliged to take him out every week. To say it ruins my weekend is an understatement.

He starts by complaining how much noise my children make. He then always asks me how much I earn and what my house is worth. This is followed by a claim to have forgotten all of his money so I have to pay. Every couple of months he will offer me £5 to cover all expenses. I would point out that he is very astute with money so this is not a matter of a lack of understanding.

When he comes around to dinner, he demands cups of coffee every 5 mins irrespective of what I am doing.

He shouts at my husband and cannot remember his name (he couldn't before he had the stroke either).

It all sounds really petty but it gets to me so much.

GL

Do you have siblings?.

You really should not feel obligated to taking your Dad out every weekend to the detriment of your own weekend. I would seriously give up that role you've taken on re your dad before he destroys your family life any further. TBH I'd make him pay for carers to come in and look after him. You really have no obligation to this man even though he is your dad. To me he is not worthy of that term re your good self.

Many children now adults of parents who are basically dysfunctional/self absorbed/toxic have the FOG - fear, obligation. guilt.

I can cope with my Dad because he has some empathy, but my Mother no. I have completely limited all contact with the two of them. She is emotionally stunted and has no life outside of shopping or cleaning my brother's house or friends.

I see FOG in practically all of this thread. Some of you may find reading the website called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers helpful. To the OP - your mother sounds like a narcissistic type. You cannot even begin to have any sort of relationship, let alone a healthy one, with such a person as it is just not possible. Not your fault she is this way.

"Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward may be helpful to some of you as well.

I would also recommend Trapped in the Mirror for those of us with narcissistic parents.

GooseyLoosey, I also agree with Attila that you shouldn't feel obliged to take your father out. Certainly not every week. He isn't your responsibility - he is the parent and should have been nuturing and caring you. No way should you feel obliged to do the same for him when he hasn't fulfilled his side of the bargain.

He appears, like my father actually, to know the price of everything and the value of nothing. That being the case you might as well pay for a carer as he will place no value on your time that you give for free.

Attila and Niecie, dh says much the same as you. Its hard though - you feel such a sense of obligation to family.

I have arranged carers for my dad - a wonderful lady goes in every day and even takes him out, but I don't feel that it is enough. He wants to see his grandchildren (who he does not get on with) and I can understand why. He can ring me up to 10 times a day and if I don't answer the phone, he rings every 10 minutes or so until I do.

I keep thinking if I were in his position I would feel terrible if my family abandoned me.

Goosey I do understand. I don't really practice what I preach - I still see my parents twice a week most weeks. I wish I could not go and get my mum to come here but I don't so I go to them and have to put up with all his stupid nasty comments. My boys want to see their Nanna and they want to see my brother who loves to spend time playing with them but I doubt they would notice my dad not being there much. My dad's idea of playing with them is to hold them by the wrists and tell them he's coming to get them. DS1 doesn't like it and shrinks away and DS2 gives as good as he gets (my dad is getting doddery so not as strong as he once was) but if he fights back he gets told off for being a bully so the rest of the family try to keep him away. It is bloody hard work.

God! I am writing all this down and wondering why the hell I do go and see him!

I suppose the reason I keep going is that I don't want to feel guilty if he drops down dead and we haven't been to see him for months. He is a controlling bully but does even a controlling bully deserve to die alone? I suppose that is similar to your thoughts on people not being abandoned by their family. And then on the other hand I think if he didn't want to be abandoned he should have behaved better and acted like a normal parent so he wasn't at the mercy of our guilt and sense of obligation.

If my mum went first though, I don't think I could do what you do as often as you do it. If you can cut back I would. And wear ear plugs so you don't hear the phone so often too!

Niecie - the way your dad plays with your son sounds a lot like my dad. My children are not scared of him, but some of their friends will not come round unless they get advance assurance that he will not be there!

I often ignore the phone - even the dcs now know that when its my dad on the phone we ignore it most of the time. I have an answering maching so fortunately it only rings 4 times!!

I vow never to be like this for my children - but of course I probably will be.

I suspect a lot of parents could do a thread "does anyone like their grown up children?" and it might be the same parents responding to this.

That should be "does anyone not like their grown up children?"

''He is a controlling bully but does even a controlling bully deserve to die alone?''

That is a really tough one isn't it Niecie?

Dad seems to have lost boundaries quite a lot. He has kissed me goodbye twice in a way that has not been totally inappropriate but made me feel uncomfortable and on his last visit asked DS if he went Raping and Pillaging in the village, and went on to call DS a dickhead. Even DS asked what was the matter with his Grandad.

He tried to suggest that to discipline the DC's I lock them in a room and fill it up with water, as the fear keeps them in check.

But he can be very 'pathetic' and weepy and emotional which does my head in. My poor Mum.

BeenBeta - you may be my dh on here in disguise

I have no parents and if I thought dh's would step up to the plate I was sorely mistaken.

Dh is loyal to his parents and feels guilty about them as they are now elderly and decrepit, but they have been resoundingly crap parents. They are utterly self-absorbed and always have been. Their world has always revolved around mil and they never put themselves out for dh or his brothers. Dh's eldest brother has had years of therapy.

Dh's parents didn't want him to go to university ("We didn't get the chance, why should you? The local college is good enough") in spite of being well-off. The headmistress of dh's school came round to see them saying they wanted dh to apply to Oxford but they still refused. They eventually signed the papers but wouldn't pay one penny of their contribution and dh had to take out expensive bank loans (it was the 1980s).

Mil calls herself "Granny" but I honestly don't think she could pick out the dcs in a line-up.

I feel so sad and angry for dh. Having children himself made him realise just how useless his own father was.

i have no feelings towards my mother

i spent years being ignored by her and told how useless i was, fat and stupid (i was certainly not fat, looking back now...but then i believed her!)

I haven't spoke to her for about 11 years now and have no intentions of doing so. But at the same time i don't hate of her feel anything towards her. I'm just indifferent.

If someone told me she had died i certainyl wouldn't be upset but i wouldn't be happy...it would be like someone told me her at number 10 had gone.

I also understand the 'i want a mum' though...many times when my friends talk about going to their mums for coffee...or shopping with mum etc...i wish i had a mum....i just don't miss the one i was given