Should I stay or should I go?

[Jacquikd]

Sorry if I waffle a bit, but I think it is only fair I give you the whole story.

I am not sure that anyone is even able to help me, but I am just so confused at the moment.

I am currently married (our 10th anniversary is next week) and we have been together for 17 years.

We have two children and one on the way.

Where do I start?

At the beginning I suppose.

When me and my husband first got together, everything was brilliant (as things always are to start with) and everyone thought we had the perfect relationship.

When we first got together, I was a smoker and this caused great problems between my husband and me as he is asthmatic and very anti-smoking. Anyway, I did manage to give up, we got engaged and then got married.

We bought our first house, our first child was born and then our second child was born. Things were still brilliant between us.

In 1998 we moved house to a larger property but I was still in contact with my friends who lived in my old road.

In October of that year, I started to go off the rails - even I can admit that. My children were 6 and 18 months at the time and one night when I was out with my old friends I had a cigarette. How? and why? I don't know, I just did. Perhaps it was my little bit of rebellion. I stayed a "social" smoker (only smoking when I was out with this particular group of friends - once very 4 to 6 weeks) until May 1999 when, after a particularly stressful day at work, I had a cigarette in the office. Because this broke the "social" habit and it was now a daily habit, before I knew it I was on 10 a day and back to being a full-time smoker.

Also, around that time I started chatting with one of my work colleagues and before I knew it we were having a full blown affair. Obviously, things weren't right at home, otherwise I wouldn't have embarked on this affair but it was exciting and he paid me such compliments, made me feel wonderful (all a ploy to get me into bed I now know, but at the time it felt good).

The affair carried on for about a year before my husband found out, October 1999. The guy I had an affair with was also married (and still is) and has two children, although his are older than mine.

When my husband found out about the affair (by checking phone bills, etc.) I confessed to some of it, but not all. Just made out this guy was a good friend, and that was all.

Me and my husband went through a pretty sticky time but, at the end of the day, we both decided that what we had was worth working at and that we both wanted to stay together.

My husband had also found out about my smoking again by this time, which didn't help matters.

Me and my husband had real heart-to-hearts and laid our feelings on the table and things seemed to improve.

I was never going to confess to everything but after a year (now it is October 2000) things kept cropping up and I decided that I had to come clean and confess everything. My husband was accusing me still of being a lair, deceitful, etc. etc. I thought that, to give our relationship, a real chance of working and of things improving, I had to come clean so my husband could then decide what he wanted to do once he knew all the facts.

We had some really "horrible" conversations and some of the things that were said were not very nice. I told him that he shouldn't stay just because of the kids, he had to stay with me because he wanted to be with me, not because he didn't want to be on his own, etc. etc.

I told him that I loved him (which I still do) and that the affair was the biggest mistake of my life (I call it my mid-life crisis and I would never go down that same route) but he had to decide if he could, one day, forgive me and let us move onwards and upwards. We went through a very sticky patch but things were starting to get better.

Anyway, my husband has always known that I wanted three children, even after having one of each sex. I just felt I needed three to feel complete.

At the beginning of this year, we decided to start trying for a baby and I fell pregnant the first month - baby due next month.

We were still having sticky patches but we seemed to be working through them with not too much difficulty. If he needed to talk or find out something, I would be as honest as I could, as hard as that was sometimes, what with the questions he would ask.

Anyway, I stopped smoking when I fell pregnant but it seemed that every time I was having a bad time with my husband I would have a cigarette, even though I knew I shouldn't, what with being pregnant and everything.

It now seems things are getting worse, not better. When my husband found out I was still smoking, he would come out things like "just because the baby is not running down your legs, i.e. you are not having a miscarriage, it doesn't mean that everything will be okay". It makes me feel so protective of this baby I am carrying (hypocritical of me I know as I am still smoking).

For the last five weeks, my husband has not been talking to me at all. He will talk to me if he has an "every day" question or something to say, i.e. if he is making a coffee, he will ask if I want one, but he is not communicating with me in the true sense of the word.

He sits in the back room watching telly while I sit in the front room (even if we are both watching the same side).

If I get up and walk into the back room to sit with him, he gets up and walks out.

He is out at least once every weekend, either Friday night or Saturday night, and sometimes both nights. He goes out during the week too - it is as though he would rather go out on his own (I presume he is on his own) than sit in with me. When football was on on Wednesday night a fortnight ago, he had forgotten football was on and had actually bought himself a cinema ticket and he tells me he was going to go on his own. When he remembered football was on, he decided to go to a local pub instead to watch the football (again on his own).

This weekend, just gone, he was out on Friday night at a local club with his work mates (male and female). I know the club shuts at 2 am and he didn't get home until 3:50 am - I know what time it was because, since I am 35 weeks pregnant, I need to keep getting up during the night for a wee!

I just don't know what to do.

Obviously, he is not happy being with me and, to be honest, I am not happy either. For the first time, on Saturday, I cried when I spoke to a friend who was supposed to come and visit. Normally I am such a strong person but I think my hormones must have been playing up and, obviously, I am feeling a bit insecure what with being 35 weeks pregnant and not looking the "fittest" of people and knowing he was out at a club Friday night where the females would look "fitter" than me.

I don't feel as upset now - I think I am slowly coming to terms that I have now got to live with the consequences of that affair (and the smoking) and that, inevitably, we are going to split up. I still love him to bits but what is the point of staying when neither of us are happy.

I know that being single, with two children and a newborn baby is not going to be easy but I cannot see any other option.

I now think things have got so bad they can never mend and we can never have a proper relationship again.

Sorry to be graphic, but we have always had a very active sex life (even while pregnant) but now he hasn't come near me for a fortnight (a long time for both of us!). The last time we did make love (if you can call it that) was when we had a heart to heart on a Saturday night (after he had had yet another night out) and we had this lovely "making up" but, when we woke up on Sunday, he, again, was not talking to me. For the first time ever, I felt used and abused, it was as though he only had this heavy conversation so he could "get his end away" (sorry!) and then the next day, it was as though nothing had changed.

It makes me sad to think and say this, but I don't really think my kids would miss him too much if we decided to split up anyway. He doesn't do anything for/with them - any activity they do, I do with them, whether it is going to the park on their bikes, or taking them for their swimming lessons.

I am not up to anything now that I shouldn't be (apart from the fact that I am pregnant, I don't want to go down that road again) and for the last year or so now, the only time I have ever been out is to bingo with my mum (very sad!) when she picks me up and drops me back home.

He is continuously checking up on me (not that it bothers me that much because there is nothing to find out), but he checks my mobile phone, fax machine, normal phone for incoming and outgoing numbers.

He told me that he thinks he can NEVER trust me again and, without trust, you can't have a relationship.

I know I have brought this all on myself and I am thinking that may be it is only fair that I ask for a trial separation so he can (1) either decide that he does want to be with me, or (2) give him a chance to find happiness elsewhere.

I JUST KNOW THAT WE CANNOT GO ON THE WAY WE ARE.

I will be posting back here on Wednesday as that is the next day I will be in the office - I don't have Internet access at home yet, but am hoping to get it set up soon. I go on Maternity leave as from next Friday and I need to have the Internet set up at home so I can still log on - it is one thing that keeps me sane!!

I don't know if I am looking forward to this weekend or not. It is our anniversary today and I expect we will have a quiet night in - I just hope we don't have any nasty conversations - not a nice way to spend your 10th wedding anniversary.

I know he is going out tomorrow night and I hope I can just be strong when he is on his way out and not show him how much I feel he is letting me down by going out.

Sunday, I have been invited by my one "good friend" who knows everything to a day out with the kids to the Enchanted Forest near Tunbridge Wells. My kids love it there and I feel that if things are not good tomorrow night or Sunday I can always take the kids there. I don't want to have to go out, but I will see how it goes.

I just want to feel "strong" this weekend - if he really wants to go out, I will not stop him and will not try to show him how upset it makes me feel. I have no problem with having an early night (on my own) as I do feel very tired these days, but I know that I won't be 100% asleep and wil be waiting for him to come in.

I am interested in what he gets up to when he is out but I feel that when I ask him what the night was like he thinks I am checking up on him (which, I suppose, in a roundabout way I am). I just want reassurance that he has been "good" and not been up to anything he shouldn't. I also find it hard to deal with the fact that he is enjoying himself so much when he is not in my company and I feel I am not part of that life.

Oh well! I will just have to wait and see.

I expect I will be back on Wednesday and will keep you up-to-date.

Perhaps you should try the opposite and pretend you dont care, the same way he is behaving, that might make him stop and think.

Jacquikd - you say you can't imagine him not in your life but, really, he's not in your life now except as a physical presence. This man seems to take great pleasure in making you feel ashamed. I'm concerned about his "kick the s**t" comment. I know that's a pretty understandable reaction, to a point, but it still reeks of ownership. Especially in view of the wedding rings thing.

Maybe it's time for some sort of ultimatum. He get's his act together or he goes. This situation is wrong. This man is, now, not behaving reasonably.

Having just had my second baby a few week ago, I can feel for you... I did find myself really sensitive (and I didn't want to blame it all on the hormones). Having said that the first 5 weeks of the baby's life (she is now only 7) were very hard for dh and myself (and we have a good marriage) so the more you can sort things out before the birth the better... but I fear that you will have some rough times ahead after the birth due to hormones and tiredness... (sorry I really DO NOT MEAN to depress you more!).

Just wondered who is going to be there for you during your labour ? Is that topic an opportunity to have a discussion with your husband about his role, your future, etc ?

Joe, funny you should say what you did - that is exactly the same conclusion I came to myself.

When he originally told me he was going out Saturday night for his birthday "do", I thought it was just with his mate Mark, not with his mates from work. Anyway, as it turns out, all that turned up on Saturday were one male mate from work with his girlfriend, and this girl Tracey with her mate. A nice cosy six-some I thought, Matt and his girlfriend, Tracey and her mate and my DH and his mate. He didn't get home until 4:50 am (he couldn't get a taxi, or so he says). Anyway, what I was thinking was, why did Tracey turn up when the "do" was in Croydon and she lives way down in Sussex. Bit too familiar I think.

Sunday, I was feeling pretty p*ssed off when he told me who had turned up the night before (although, at least, he did tell me) so Sunday night I went to bingo with my mum (wow! I hear you thinking, what an exciting life I lead!).

While I was out at Bingo on Sunday, I thought to myself that it is doing our relationship no good with me crying all the time. (I was crying Sunday morning, although I can't think of a particular reason why. Just because I was feeling so insecure about the night before I suppose).

When I got home from Bingo I told him I had had a good old chat with myself and told myself to "buck my ideas up". I cannot blackmail him into staying in by crying all the time, when, if at the end of the day, he really wants to go out.

So, basically, I have decided to "back off" and let him get on with whatever it is he wants to do.

Minx - I totally agree with you. I have come to the conclusion that he has made me "pay enough" for what I have done (which has been finished over two years now) and he has got to decide what it is he wants, and whether that includes me or not.

Pupuce - Firstly, congratulations on your newborn. DH was there for the first two born but I have been warned that, this time, the labour could be even quicker (my first was 4 hours and my second less than 2). My midwife has told me that it could be minutes from start of contractions to finish, although she has also warned me that it could stop and start, as this often happens with third born children. As he works over 1 hour drive away, he might not even get home in time. Sometimes, I feel I want him there, but other times I feel like being a martyr and doing it all on my own (although this might have to happen anyway if he cannot get home in time). I just feel that this is a new life being born, and I don't want negative vibes in the labour room. I only really want him to be there if he is going to give the support that I will need.

My mum was also there for my first born, but she looked after my first child when my second was born. Because the eldest is at school and the youngest is at nursery, my mum is going to look after the children while I am giving birth.

The baby is due 3 weeks tomorrow, but I just think that DH has got to decide whether he wants to be part of our (new and existing) life or if he wants to break free now.

I know that having a baby is a bit traumatic for a relationship, even when that relationship is good so how much of an upheaval it will be with our "bad" relationship I will have to wait and see.

Thanks for all your support.

The very best of luck whatever you decide to do. I think you are very very brave, and you sound like a good person and a great mum.

It sounds like you have a hugely difficult life anyway, without him behaving in this teenage way - does he do anything to help?

Maybe if you start concentrating on you and the baby and the girls a bit more, and less on him or on how awful he makes you feel, at least the 4 of you would be a bit happier. He seems to be acting as though he's got no kids.

I hope you get an internet connection soon at home.

But anyway, what I really wanted to say was, whatever mess he chooses to make of it for himself, the next few weeks should be really special for you and your daughters - I bet your 9yr old will be thrilled with the baby. Take what happiness you can out of each moment and don't look at the big picture for a while - your new baby is going to want to know about how lovely and special s/he was when newborn, so make sure you notice it instead of going on the grief trip your husband seems to have planned for you. All the best.

Jacquikd, I would just like to add, I'm 100% sure that lots of people around you are quietly in sympathy with you. No matter what face your husband puts on to the world, the sheer fact that he's going out so regularly, leaving you, at 36 weeks pregnant alone at home, will not have gone unnoticed. It's a fair bet that some of those femail friends secretly despise him. His insensitive and immature attitude is apparent for all to see. Let him dig his own hole.

Right now you have bigger things happening in your life - the arrival of a new baby. As Copper says, concentrate on this and your other children for the moment. If you can (easier said than done) respond to any good attention your huband gives you and ignore the rest.

Very best wishes

Copper, that is exactly how I feel at the moment - I am concentrating on making sure, the best I can, that both my daughter and son have a good home life and whatever their dad gets up to doesn't affect them in any way.

My four year old son loves going to bed and every night we play a little game where he can choose if he wants to walk upstairs to bed, wants a carry/piggy back or a "race". He finds a race the most exciting - we have great discussions about what we are both going to be (although it is not much of a race at the moment, what with me being 37 weeks pregnant!). Some of the things he comes out with - he is very understanding for his age and knows I cannot "race" as such, but he walks just slightly faster in front of me. Sometimes he even lets me win! The favourite at the moment is he likes to be a "turbo powered, supersonic, jet engine" and he likes to choose what I am going to be as well, normally something like a "red and green racing car with booster rockets".

Last night, DH wanted to take DS to bed but no way was DS having daddy take him. Even with DS saying that he would carry him or give him a piggy back or whatever he wanted, DS turned round and said "no, I want mummy to take me". DS didn't even want daddy to come upstairs afterwards and give him a kiss. I think this upset DH but he can't expect not to have anything to do with DS and then expect DS to want to spend time with him. I think, DS, even though he is only 4, knows that he has more fun with mummy than he does with daddy and I am sure he must notice that it is mummy that takes him swimming, to the park for a kick about with a football, etc. etc.

I agree entirely with your last paragraph - I have got lots happening in the next few weeks or so and obviously I also want to make sure that my daughter and son are not made to feel left out when the new baby comes. Because my daughter is nearly 9 she cannot wait until the baby is born, and even my son is very good around other babies, although I know it will be different when this baby is with us all the time. I just want to make sure that they feel that not much has changed with the new baby arriving.

Tigermoth, thanks for your kind words. Everyone (friends and family) know he is out a lot of the time as I don't have a problem saying that he has gone out (yet again!) and, as you say, I am sure that people must think he is out of order going out so much (and not telling me where he is going), especially me being in my current situation! I think the only person that is coming out "bad" from all this is him.

No way, am I going to turn round and ask him not to go out. That has to be a decision that he comes to on his own (although, whether he will ever get there or not, I don't know).

The most important thing for me at the moment is to have this much-wanted baby and to make my home life as secure and stable for my two children as it can be. Once this baby is born, and I have got my strength back both physically and mentally, I think it might come to "make or break" time and I will be in a better frame of mind to see through whatever happens.

The most important thing for me at the moment (I keep repeating myself) is my children's happiness and I know that this also comes from their parents being happy.

Thanks for listening.

Jacqikd
you seem to be a really 'giving' imaginative and caring mother - your kids are very lucky to have you. With all the horrendous pressure on you, you still make their life full of the small and fun rituals that are so important for them. I wish I had your gift for this.

Do you have any feeling if the baby is a boy or a girl? What do your children want?

Jacquid, I think you're being amazing at the moment, almost saintly! Perhaps it is better just to ignore the old bugger at the moment and maybe the emotion of having a new child in a few weeks will make him 'wake-up' and start pulling his weight. Maybe he's secretly getting all this 'partying' out of his system before the baby is born so that he can feel more ready to dedicate his time once the baby is born, I do hope so!
If you are going on leave soon (which I hope you are as I think you're due in just a few weeks!) then can I just say best of luck and I really do hope it all works out as it should.
Take care of yourself.

Hello All.

Today will be my last posting (until I get my work computer set up at home again - it kept crashing!). Hope this won't be too long. I leave work today to start my maternity leave and I can't wait, although I will miss these message boards.

DH went out again last night (didn't even come home after work). I cooked dinner as normal (DH is normally in by 6:15) and me and the kids sat down to eat about 7:00 (as my youngest likes to be in bed by 7:15) after I realised DH was going to be late (sometimes the traffic is bad). Also, we had to go to a funeral yesterday morning (his nan who he hardly ever saw) and he went to work in the afternoon. I know he had to get some work out by yesterday evening and I just thought that perhaps he might have had to work late (although a telephone call would have been nice).

I know I could have phoned him, but one of the recent things he has said is that he thinks I am continuously checking up on him so I didn't want to ring and have him thinking that I was checking up on him.

When we first starting seeing each other (17 years ago) we were always on the phone to each other, as couples often are in the early days. Over the years, this seemed to die off (you know, just the phoning for a general chat, not for anything in particular - just to hear the other one's voice).

When we had gone through the bad patch, we seemed to start talking on the phone again during the day. One of the reasons, in my own mind, that I used to phone him during the day was that he said "when you go off to work, you are in your own little world" and I wanted him to know that even when I was "in my own little world" at work, I was still thinking about him. This has now turned into the fact that he thinks I am continuously checking up on him.

By 8 he still wasn't home, nor was he by 9. By this time, not that I was unduly worried, I decided to try and contact him, just to find out if anything bad had happened.

I rang him on his mobile from my home phone and he told me to switch on my mobile. When I switched it on, there were a few messages from him. He was in the pub up the road from where we live and the messages he left were along the lines of:-

1. He feels we are "broken" and doesn't know how to mend it.
2. He feels he is hurting me but doesn't know how to stop.
3. He felt upset yesterday at his nan's funeral that our kids don't really know his family, and he thinks this isn't right (although this is not necessarily his doing, more of a circumstantial thing, what with them living so far away). He also feels he would like to get closer to his brother and asked me if I thought it was too late.
4. He loves his kids and would "die for them" but doesn't know what he feels for me.
5. He thinks I felt more for this other person I saw than what I am letting on.

To each of these, I replied that:

a) Yes, he is hurting me (I cannot lie about that).
b) I said that if he wanted to get closer to his brother/family, then it is never too late to start making amends.
c) I told him that, even if he doesn't know what he feels for me, I know exactly what he thinks of me because of the way he is treating me.
d) I told him that whatever I felt for "this other person" (and, believe me, it definitely wasn't "love" which is what DH thinks it was) it doesn't compare to what I feel for DH.
e) I told him that the most important thing for me at the moment is my kids' happiness but I also told him that I am worried about the atmosphere I am bringing this new baby into.
f) I told him that once I have had this baby I will be stronger, both physically and emotionally,
and that, if he does decide he wants to leave me as our relationship is so "broken it cannot
never be mended, I will be able to cope once this baby has been born.

I eventually went to bed at 11 and DH still wasn't in. I texted him and just told him that I hoped he wouldn't drive home as he had been drinking. I don't know what time he got in.

This morning, he was talking about that plane that got shot down but I found it really hard to be civil to him and make "general" conversation because of how I feel after the messages last night. Feeling a bit insecure and emotional at the moment. He could see I was having difficulty talking and he said that he hoped we could still at least talk to each other.

He then asked if I was alright and I tried really hard not to cry (I could just feel my eyes welling up) but I turned round where I was sitting on the bed and got my youngest dressed.

Oh well, such is life!

The sad thing is I cannot see a way out of this situation. I can't see us going on the way we are but I can't imagine us splitting up either, although DH might well be able to.

Sorry to have waffled on - it helps me to clear my thoughts by putting them in writing.

Copper,

I have no what sex this baby is, and I can't wait to find out. My daughter wants a sister and my son wants a brother, so one of them will be disappointed.

I don't mind what it is, but I am getting impatient at not knowing.

For the first time ever, I just want this pregnancy over and done with so I can start to get my life back together again(!), even if that just means me and the three children.

I think, deep down, that DH might have already left if I hadn't been pregnant (not a very nice thought for me that he is only staying because of the baby) and the only reason he hasn't left is because he is aware of how "bad" he would look if he left me when I was pregnant.

Oh well, I am looking forward to this baby (new life and all that), even if it is a new life for me and the kids on our own.

JacquiKd, Hope you get this message before you go off line today.

Your description of your changing phone habits is so true. Over the 14 years we have been together, my husband and I have gone from lots of calls to few, and then in times of crisis or good times, to more calls again.

It must have been so sad for you to get all those messages from your husband while he was in the pub. Alcohol loosens the tongue, doesn't it? - for better or worse.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing at the moment by concentrating on your children and yourself. Try not to think too far ahead for now.

Soon you'll be looking into the beautiful new eyes of a baby. Hope all goes well.

Very best wishes.

Thanks for your message Tigermoth.

As you quite rightly say, it is amazing how loose their tongues get when they have had a few beers - he couldn't bring himself to actually "talk" to me but at least he texted me on his phone. It also gave me a change to put down exactly what I felt as well, without getting all emotional.

I suppose I will just have to wait and see what the future holds for us - it can't be any worse than it is now.

If I can't get online while I am on maternity leave (I might try and get to my local library), I will re-post when I am back at work in February.

February!!! We will want a baby announcement before then! Wishing you lots of luck. xx

Good luck and take care, Jaquikd

Hi Jacqui, I've ssen your postings around the board lately and have been wanting to ask you how you are getting on.
Have you and your husband worked things out?
My heart goes out to you after reading your messages and I really hope everything has worked out for you and your family.

I now post under this new name - bit more anonymous in case any family log onto this site (unlikely!).

I thought we were going to be okay after he hit me with his bombshell New Years Eve that he was leaving me (lovely start to New Year) but then he decided 10 days later he wanted to try and make a go of things again.

Things were up and down and now, last night, another "Eve" (Valentines Day) he turned round in bed and told me that he cannot ever forgive me for what I have done and he feels he wants to be "selfish" for a change and do what he wants to do and is therefore not going to be with me. He doesn't know what he is going do (i.e. move out?) but I feel quite relieved that I know now where I stand.

I always feel I am on an emotional roller-coaster wondering what sort of reception I would get when he gets in from work and, even though it has only been one day, it feels quite good not to have to worry about his mood.

He has gone out to the pub (lovely Valentines Day night I am having indoors on my own with the kids) but I have been invited to a Valentines Day Ball tomorrow night at a nightclub in London with one of my friends and H (no longer DH!) has even given me £60 to spend which is nice of him. I am not going to sit in and mope, life is too short for that.

I feel I have tried my hardest and given our marriage our best shot, but I won't be the first or last to have a marriage that ends in separation (divorce).

My kids happiness is my main concern and I am trying to make sure they have the consistency/security they are used to.

Bumblelion, This is the first time I have posted on this site. I have been a lurker for a while, reading other mums tips feeling I have nothing worthy to contribute myself. I spent yesterday afternoon reading this thread, and I was nearly in tears. I really felt for you, and I was left wondering what had happened. It was like reading a book but not the ending! But then I checked today and saw that you had posted again. I am sorry that things haven't worked out but glad that you are happier now that you know where you stand. Best of all you are off out tonight!! Hope you have a brilliant time! Let us know how it went!

Bumblelion - So sorry to hear that you and your husband have not been able to sort things out. I thought (hoped) with you being so quiet on here lately that perhaps you had worked things out. I really feel for you and your children, it must be awful not knowing from one day to the next how he will be towards you. It must be a relief to now know exactly where you stand, if he can't forgive you now for things that happened in the past, despite knowing how desperately sorry you are, it is unlikely that he ever will, and it will be impossible for your relationship to move on. There really is no point going along as you are only for him to drop the bombshell again in a few months time. Perhaps if he does move out for a while it may make him realise exactly what he has got (loving wife and lovely children), a bit of distance may be just what you need. Also, it would do you, the children, and your husband good to not be living altogether in a tense, unhappy atmosphere. Really sorry I can't give more sound advice, but wanted to let you know I care. Chanelx

Well, here we are again. Saturday night, and once again he is out. He has gone to a "singles" club that he used to frequent. One of my friends has mentioned about us going out next Friday night and said she is bored with our usual haunts. She said to try somewhere else and then asked where it is my husband goes. I said "Crystals, the singles club" and she said perhaps we should give it a go - not to go "out on the pull", just somewhere different to try. When I mentioned it to H (no longer DH) tonight, he didn't seem very pleased that I might be going there next week, but that is his problem.

I am not concerned about how it will affect my children when I go out next Friday night as they will be in bed anyway and it doesn't detract my attention from them in the least.

I didn't get out last night - in the end my friends couldn't get a babysitter, but I didn't mind too much. My daughter has a brownies trip today and I hadn't been food shopping so had nothing for her packed lunch. I went food shopping on my own last night. H wasn't too pleased as, when I got in (9:00) he said he fancied popping to the pub but hadn't eaten (I would have thought he could manage to cook himself something, but no!).

He was out all day today (work, and then decorating a friends house) and my daughter was at the Science Museum all day. Me, my son and baby had a lovely day - went shopping to spend my sons's birthday money and then I took him for his swimming lesson. H came home at 7:30, showered and was out again by 8:30. Lovely, I thought - he hadn't even got home in time to say goodnight to his son who he hadn't seen all day.

I bought tickets to see Monsters Inc. tomorrow (1 adult, 3 children - my two children and son's best friend). I mentioned to H that he could take them as a treat as he hadn't seen them hardly all week and also not at all today, but he said "no, you take them, I will stay with the baby". If he took them, I would get my ironing done and cook the dinner ready for when he gets in. I enjoy taking the children but I know that H will not get anything done indoors while I am gone - it seems that all he can manage to do is look after the baby - I expect he won't even put the chicken in the oven!.

Hi, bumblelion! Have you and your husband decided to seperate? If so is he going to be making plans to move out?
I really think it sounds as if you and the kids will be better off if he does move out.
This stressful situation can not be good for you, especially as you have not long had a baby.
It seems like your H keeps telling you he wants out and ruining things for you like new year and valentines. So why does he stay.

Perhaps you should tell him to go as you want a bit of peace and you are sick of him acting like a single man right under your nose.

Good luck and i hope you continue to post here as some sort of thereapy.
You really do derserve better than this!

He has decided we are going to separate, but hasn't moved out and doesn't show any signs of it. I think he is scared of being on his own - there is so much to sort out. He couldn't afford to rent anywhere on his own - he couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on our house - I couldn't afford the mortgage on our house on my own. I have told him I am taking the children on holiday this year on my own - he doesn't seem too pleased but why should I forfeit my summer holiday just because I am not with him. I have been away with them before on my own, so it is not as though I don't know what I am letting myself in for.

Hi again Bumblelion! I really think you should give your H a definite time to leave by. Perhaps give him one month to find somewhere else. Even if it is a grotty bedsit at least he will be out of your hair.
i really think he has no intention of leaving he just enjoys winding you up. Please don't take it from him anymore.
Tell him tpo get the hell out so that you and the kids can get on with your lives without the constant stress he is causing.

Please go and see a solicitor and take some advice! Don't let him mess you around anymore. There will be someone else for you out there, don't waste your life putting up with situation at home. It's no life for you and the kids.

At the moment he thinks he's got all the power you can change that by telling him to leave.