Feeling desperate and hopeless....

[salsaprincess]

Hi,

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with baby no. 1 and my relationship with DP is really stressing me out.
The problem is he's been married before and it ended extremely bitterly with his ex having an affair, then moving to Italy with their two children.

He still has to speak to his ex regularly because of the children and is paying over the odds in maintenance because he feels so guilty about not seeing his children as often as he'd like but it means he's still harbouring these incredibly angry, bitter feelings about towards his ex.

As a result he's said he'd never get married or have children again and was extremely abusive and aggressive towards me when I fell pregnant.

He's now calmed down considerably and part of him is looking forward to the birth of our baby but he still says he'll never love someone with all his heart again because 'he's done that before and it didn't work out'. It just leaves me feeling so empty, inadequate and unfulfilled.

I don't want to walk away from the relationship because for the most part we're happy together and I don't feel it would be in the best interests of the baby but equally I crave a relationship where I feel cherished and fulfilled.

I'd really appreciate any help/advice.

Thanks in advance x

How long ago did he split with his ex and how long have you been together? How long together before you got pregnant?

It could be that he is scared, and doesnt want history to repeat itself, and is also finding it difficult to let his guard down and trust someone. They are understandable feelings that will hopefully go away as time goes on.

@ Real rabbit - for the first 3 months of pregnancy he was screaming and shouting at me saying really vicious things including that I was selfish for wanting to keep my baby, flaring up all the time, punching stuff (not me) and storming off for hours without saying where he was going. I stuck with it because I knew how stressed he was and feel my instincts were right because he has calmed right down again and is coming round to the idea of being a dad again.

@ Squeaky Toy - he split with his ex 7 years before we met and we have been together for 3 years. I understand everything you're saying and it does help, but I just wonder when or even if his feelings towards relationships will ever change. It feels like he actually wants to cling on to his negative feelings as they give him some sort of comfort or security so even though we're happy enough on a day to day basis, I don't know what kind of future we have.

My advice would be to be reeeaaal careful here. This guys should like a potential abuser with the displays of aggression.

I would think long and hard about what your boundaries are for what kind of behaviour would trigger you to end this relationship. Name your deal breakers and tell him what they are.

It's not acceptable to intimidate you like that.

Glad to hear that he has calmed down, but what if it happens again?

Just sayin'

Have you or he considered professional support?

salsa princess, his ex is no excuse for how he is treating you - he isn't 'scared'. HE is making you scared!

If he is being a bully and agressive, that is his own responsibility - and I also bet it isn't because of the relationship with the ex. We all have exes, pasts - presumably he was aggressive and nasty even then. I doubt it completely changed who he is

Telling you he can never completely love you is cruel and to be honest, you know in your heart it's not good enough. Everyone gets hurt in life but we have to move forward - if he wanted help he could have some counselling.

I think you could suggest relationship counselling, through relate. I also think you should consider why YOU are putting up with this abusive behaviour. Did you come from a vulnerable home / family yourself?

THen set boundaries and rules -tell him that he has to seek help and choose to move forward and put the past behind him. If he can't commit fully and love you completely, eventually you will have to leave and find someone who WILL Love you.

Just to add - about walking away =- remember that you only have one life - and it's a long one. You need to protect your child and make sure that you are happy - that is the best way to be a good role model. Being unhappy , unfullfilled, feeling unloved - will only set a bad model for your child.

Be brave, you deserve happiness

Just to add - about walking away =- remember that you only have one life - and it's a long one. You need to protect your child and make sure that you are happy - that is the best way to be a good role model. Being unhappy , unfullfilled, feeling unloved - will only set a bad model for your child.

Be brave, you deserve happiness

^he's said he'd never get married or have children again and was extremely abusive and aggressive towards me when I fell pregnant.

He's now calmed down considerably and part of him is looking forward to the birth of our baby but he still says he'll never love someone with all his heart again because 'he's done that before and it didn't work out'^

I don't know how much clearer he could be, honestly. He won't marry you and will never love you, and will be aggressive and abusive towards you if you don't go along with his wishes. He's told you that in so many words, and then been true to his word. I'm not sure how much clearer he could be that he won't treat you decently.

Why are my italics not working? Hmph.

They don't carry over to the next paragraph, Tortoise.

I completely agree with what you say btw, and I also wonder whether it was actually true about the ex leaving because of an affair, or at least whether everything was great until she had one, and why she decided to move to another country. (I know what XH used to tell people about why we were splitting and I didn't recognise myself in the description!) Was he really all sweetness and light until the day she allegedly betrayed him? We will never know, and neither, I suspect, will the OP, unless the XW spills all.