How to get over neediness and intensity

[Hopesforsun]

I have namechanged.
Regular Stately Homes and NPD poster.

I had an abusive childhood."Love" - as I knew it - was part of the cycle of violent physical and emotional abuse that was normal to me.

I sought attention at school by being bolshy and naughty.I discovered sex as a way to get undivided attention - if only briefly - and became promiscuous as a teenager.

I wanted to be rescued.I wanted to meet my "soul mate".But on the outside I was confident,mouthy,successful and popular.

I married and had dc,but my husband was emotionally unavailable and cold.I now see that my behaviour towards him was abusive.I was attention seeking - manipulative,childish and demanding.He was meek and quiet and I behaved outrageously,then taunted him for not coping.We divorced but are now on good terms and co parent our dc.He lives nearby.

I had an abusive relationship with a man who fits the NPD profile exactly.Luckily, I got away after only a few years.Initially,I couldn't understand how I had been so easily taken in.

Now,it is obvious.This last relationship replicated my family set up.He was exactly like my dad.And I revealed my underlying needy side.He could see that underneath my tough exterior,I still wanted to be rescued.So he presented me with my soul mate.

I have learnt a lot (much of it from MN).I have had therapy.I have not had a relationship in over a year and I can spot an abuser a mile off.

I am more comfortable in my skin than I have possibly ever been.I know I do not need, or want, to be rescued by anyone.Nor do I "need" a man.I am content on the whole.

BUT ----I also know that I still crave love.Probably it is parental love,that I never had,and perhaps like any loss,I need to come to terms with it,integrate it,and maybe over time it will be less intense.

BUT --I am in my mid forties and it is still a heavy burden.And an ache.

I fear I will remain a "needy" person.I don't know if I would be able to remain "adult" enough within a relationship.I do not fear attracting another abuser.BUT I fear that underneath the more mature,balanced woman I now am,the lonely neglected child who craves love is till there,and will ooze,or even spring out,if I were to get close enough to a man to feel mutual affection.I fear I would be needy and intense.

I hope that I can manage this appropriately and not allow it to spill into relationships.

But how to do this without resorting to staying behind the confident mask all the time.How to love and be loved without being overwhelming?

Thanks for reading.It has been helpful to write this down.Maybe there are no answers.

I'm not sure I'm experienced enough to advise, so apologies if i've totally misunderstood, but it seems like you've become pretty self-aware of how things have effected you, and then managed them very well already - that seem like a really strong start. You sound sorted in yourself but also know to work on this element of yourself - maybe best to keep reading and working on this aspect yourself over time, but still go with the flow and be willing to give it a try, if that makes sense? there will be men out there who understand this and admire you for handling it so well. Good luck x

The problem with being involved with someone with Npd , plus therapy and reading up ect , is that it makes you examine yourself closeley , and sometimes i think that can go to far in that we start to scrutinise perfectly normal fears and feelings.

Thanks brabbins...well,I am -very slowly- seeing a man who has said this about me.

It is going well.I have no gut feeling,evidence for suspicion,or anything like a red flag...but I have started to feel..um..well...more than I expected to...I am fairly sure he fells the same.Early days and ,as I say,we are going at an appropriately slow,grown up pace...

But I have noticed that as things have moved on,I have started to feel "clingy" inside.Not sure if that makes sense.I mean,I keep myself in check,but I sometimes feel like hugging him very tight and saying stuff like "I love you and I don't want to stop feeling like this" (we don't talk about "love",but are both very affectionate)...or,after a few drinks "don't leave me" ...

I also have a feeling of wanting to ask him stuff "about us" too often.Seeking reassurance when I have no real need to.

We have had proper chats about what we want and stuff like that,but it is early days,as I say.I did get a bit emotional on night and was embarrassed next day.He was quick to make light of it,but picked up that I was unsettled and rang and txted later specifically to say "don't worry,I understand,it doesn't change anything,cheer up!"
So it is my stuff.

dignified -great perspective (as usual, > waves !< ) Yeah,maybe this is normal !!! woooo ! not used to that!

Shit,what do people do with these feelings then?

I crossed out very slowly without intending to (no hidden meaning)
meant "one night".

Oooh you jammy thing ! You deserve it .

I think these thoughts are perfectly normal , we think allsorts every day but dont act it out ( just as well in my case Its loveley to have affectionate thoughts and feelings towards someone like this , and as long as your not clinging to his legs begging him to stay i think its all good.

Why dont you hug him very tight and express how you feel ? I get your probably a bit reluctant to use the word love but you could tone it down .

Thanks !!

Trouble is,clinging to his legs and begging is eactly what I feel like!!!!

I wouldn't though!

I have hugged him and expressed how I feel...in a pretty low key but clear way..So has he,to me...Usually not until at least a glass of wine,though...although there is no change in affectionate behavior or warmth at other times.

I think we are both very cautious and doing a bit of get close then pull back type thing..

Try to look at it like this , on a average day we have all sorts of feelings . I sometimes feel like yelling abuse at other drivers , i feel like getting up and breakdancing , or bursting into song when its not apropriate. I feel like telling sales calls to fuck off or my kid to shut up , but i dont .

Its ok to feel these things but its bothering you because you want to say them and to be at that level , and to hear the same things back. Im big on actions , not words , and if hes behaving in a loving caring manner towards you , then its fairly obvious he feels loving and caring towards you .

I think i would be a bit wary of putting things into words , but at the same time i feel i would require some proof from someone if you know what i mean.

I know what you mean - I often feel like jumping onto the table during important meetings and shouting fuck off at the top of my voice !!

And you are right,I think it is proof I am looking for.Even though he is behaving in a loving ,caring way all the time.

I can't really value "I love you" any more.My abusive xp used to throw that one around all over the place - and my parents still say "well,just remember we love you" at the end of every rant!

And as for "soul mates" ,don't get me started!

I don't think I have the recipe for how a "normal" relationship works....let alone a good one. Hey,it's great not to be in an abusive situation,and I'm pretty certain this is not just a "settling for not abusive" kind of thing.

But it is a bit strange - although in a good way - not to have any drama.Maybe,without the drama and ups and downs,I find it hard to gauge where we are ?

It's been six months.It's good.I don't want to rock the boat.I don't want to talk about "our future".All the signs are good.I guess it's the normal thing to enjoy,relax and see how things pan out.

I know what you mean - I often feel like jumping onto the table during important meetings and shouting fuck off at the top of my voice !!

Hehe.

I suppose even if he did declare undying love , and even if he truly meant it , he can only really mean that he feels that way now , there are no guarentees that he will still feel that way in a few years. I suppose the issue isnt really whether he loves you or not , or whether he,ll still be around in a few years , but whether you will be ok with whatever happens , and even if your not , that you know youll cope and be ok.

Sometimes we have to trust ourselves , not others , and considering the strength youve shown after everything thats happened , i think youll be ok.

Imagine how much more interesting meetings could be if we all acted on our thoughts

God,if he declared undying love,I'd run a mile - I wouldn't even post on here to check !

Very true,it's all back to living in the present all the time - being mindful.Funny,everything I have read and explored has ended back at this same point.And I have concluded so many times over the past year that mindfulness is the answer to my questions.

So,I'd best keep practising. > Deep breath ,in ...and ...out....<

Thanks for the morale boost

Enjoy , really . Even if it goes horribly wrong and ends tomorrow youve had 6 months of shagging loveley times , a fab start for you and a fab example to your dcs .

OP I could have written every post of yours in this thread as I am almost in exactly the same situation.

The thing is, it's been driving me crazy and making me feel unhappy. I've come to realise this weekend that I do need to hear it. it may just be a 'formality' but I need him to verbalise how he feels even if it is obvious through his actions.

I'm terrified. I'm so, so scared that I'm going to open up a big can of worms and find out that how he feels about me isn't enough for me to stay, but after weeks of crying secretly on my sofa, I HAVE to know. I need to hear him say it one way or the other. I've been through too much mental shit with my ex to read the signals properly, I need it spelt out to me.

Hi Nogoodatthis -
I have been feeling really positive today,having had the support from this thread. But maybe it's focussed my mind too much.
This evening I am in absolute knots of anxiety because he hasn't phoned or texted at all today.In the last 3 months,we have spoken on the phone every evening between 6 and 7,sometimes only very briefly.And when not possible have texted. On a Sunday,if not meeting up,we'd usually text a bit during the day.

I have sent a chatty txt,but no reply.I have convinced myself that this is due to my having been emotional the last night we were together (as posted above).I did send a more than usually gushing text following my apology.

Spoke last night,all ok.I'm probably overthinking .Just can't think of any other reason for the silence.

Are you still having counselling OP? If not, do you think it might be worth setting up some sort of arrangement where you have someone you can see or phone when you start feeling unsettled, someone who will basically give you a safe space to rant and just think out loud?
IN fact, if you haven't got a counsellor at present, you could do worse than ring the Samaritans when you have the emotional collywobbles - they are not just for the suicidal, they are there to listen and sometimes being able to talk and talk and talk at someone helps you sort out your own thoughts - whereas friends, even nice ones, often want to jump in with solutions, the samaritans just listen.

I'm going through the same thing holds hand.

Last week he opened up to me more than he ever has before; said some really lovely things about me, did some lovely kind gestures that made me feel really appreciated and special... This week it feels like something's happened? I don't know. All contact has had been instigated by me, and when it is, he is always quick to reply and seems to be flirty and friendly, etc, but I can detect subtleties like skype convos don't go on for quite as long, he didn't hold my hand when we went out for dinner the other night or hug me while we were waiting at the bus stop as he normally would have done.

Is he just getting comfy? Or is he backing off?

All I know is I can't bear the agony of second guessing. If he is cooling off, I'd rather know sooner instead of later, once I've made a prick of myself.

Just so scared and sad that I might not hear the answers I want.

Have felt a complete mess this weekend tbh. Sorry for thread hijack. :(

Don't worry Ng,I appreciate the handholding and you are describing such similar feelings and thoughts.

I feel utterly ridiculous to be thinking nd feeling like this.

Thanks SGB,I am waiting for an appointment for some more therapy.I have rung Samaritans a lot in the past,but it hadn't occurred to me lately.I don't think I have been seeing this as "emotional collywobbles" - great term! - but that makes sense.

Trouble is,I fear that the emotional intensity I am experiencing may well be picked up by others and be off putting.Maybe it is being directed at my relationship when it is internal stuff rising to the surface?
Still not good stuff to project.
And the "feeling like something's happened" as you describe,Ng,can be self-fulfilling as we are looking for evidence to support negative thoughts and then interpreting everything through that suspicion.

I'm having counselling and my counsellor says that because of shitty childhood and rubbish exP I am used to being on high alert and hyper sensitive to nuances in behaviour because it was my defence mechanism to always be trying to read situations and pre-empt catastrophe.

It's very hard to unlearn this and it's very hard not to read catastrophic meanings into something as innocuous as him not hugging me while we're at the bus stop.

All that aside though, it IS slightly unusual that he didn't hug me then. It's also slightly unusual that he said we'd skype over the weekend (he has his DC this weekend) and yet every bit of contact we've had this weekend has been initiated by me.

It's getting to the stage in our relationship where up until now I've understood the need to be undemanding of his time because he tries to see his DC as often as he can. When he's had them on weekends in the past I've tried to remain as unobtrusive as possible so as not to interrupt the time they get together.

However, we've been together for long enough now that I'm starting to resent the fact that weekends with his DCs mean long, lonely weekends for me where I try to organise fun stuff to do by myself or with friends but just end up thinking 'it would be so much better if he was here too'.

It's been so long since we had a lazy, lie in on a Sunday morning together. I get him during the week when we're both knackered and have to get up early. Those weekend mornings spent in bed and lazy days spent wandering aimlessly in the park or whatever are how intimacy is built up - that's when things like 'I love you' get said.

We haven't had any of that for ages because of his DC. I KNOW I sound like a horrible person for resenting him seeing them instead of me, but I would just like some quality time with him. Not those few hours between getting home from work and collapsing from exhaustion after Newsnight.

The only way this can move forward is if he introduces them to me, or at least figures out a way that we can get together in the evenings that he has them or something. I feel like I've been really patient and accommodating up until now, but he's had them for the past 3 weekends in a row now and I really feel like our intimacy is suffering massively because of the lack of leisure time we have together.

It's time now that he made his intentions towards us and me a little bit more clear. Can I expect that I will be more integrated into his life in the future or does he just want me to be 'the entertainment'?

It's starting to make me feel pissed off and resentful, which is awful really because he's the sweetest, most generous, kindest, best father. I just want to know I'm important to him.

I'm so scared. I feel like shit. Sorry this was so long.

HFS - this sentence from your OP jumped out at me - 'BUT I fear that underneath the more mature,balanced woman I now am,the lonely neglected child who craves love is till there,and will ooze,or even spring out,if I were to get close enough to a man to feel mutual affection'. I think that is where you need to start, with that lonely neglected child.

My parents were not abusive but set very high standards and I was never 'good enough', always fell short, spent the rest of my life feeling second best, unlovable, pretty worthless. I 'accidently' encountered my childhood self when I raked out some old photographs to show to the DGCs. DGD asked 'who is that lovely wee girl, she looks like me but she looks sad.' Of course it was me and my heart went out to that small girl with a wistful 'please love me' look on her face. She was just as adorable as my DDs and DGCs. How could anyone have been disappointed in her? I go through the photographs and the memories that go with them and I love her so much. She has tried so hard all her life and deserves to be happy now. Perfect? no way - but Lovable? Oh yes.

This was my lightbulb moment. At last I can see that people who profess to love me, faults and all, have every reason to be telling the truth. No more testing people, no more needing constant reassurance. Can I suggest you take some time out to look at your own young self, and learn to love her? I did not have to try hard - it was love at first sight really! HTH

Granny23 - that made me cry buckets.You have done so well,and made it sound so easy! Maybe it is....?.....

I do feel I am the beginning of a new phase...changes..not sure how or where ,yet...maybe that's the starting point?

When I see photos of me as a child,I feel very sad,or angry with my parents....I could never behave that way towards any of my dc.It breaks my heart to think of it.

That is the point though. You have to look at your early self with new eyes and a loving mother's heart. She is still with you - your inner child - you have to give her all your love and encouragement, nurture her just as you do to your own DCs. Permit no one, not even yourself to put her down, keep her away from your bad memories and she will grow and blossom.