Is it okay to break up a family ?

[ostracized]

Sorry to start another thread so soon after my last one but have been thinking of this issue as well and would appreciate people's thoughts.
Basically I think my relationship with dh has completely broken down, there is no physical affection between us, much conversation or much kindness.
Are these enough reasons to consider separation? We have three children who are 4, 6 and 9 and divorce would be very hard on many different levels I think and I feel sick that I am even fantasizing about it.
BUT are dh and I supposed to have a non-existent relationship for the next 20 odd years for the sake of keeping the family together?
In addition to this what about sex ?????? The last time dh and I slept together was at the end of december last year and unless our relationship is radically re-evaluated I don't think this will happen again. Feel sad about living a sexless life at 42 :(.

Ostracized, aren't you the one with the wanker H who sulks and refuses to speak to you for days if you are disobedient or don't immediately indulge his whims at everyone else's expense? If so, you are definitely going to be better off without him and so are the DC.

This is a great thread. Thanks for that informative post Attila. I'm going to copy that part for myself.

I've also started a similar thread because I struggle with some of the same questions OP. (Attila would love your insight if you've got time )

While I'm not very good at taking my own advice, I would say that you sound very unhappy and also that it sounds to me that he is being very disrespectful to you. You are entitled to respect in your own home. Would he treat anyone else the way he treats you?

You've been imagining all the bad things that could happen. but if lots of great things happened as a result of the divorce? What if you met an amazing person who loved your kids the way you do? What if you discovered yourself and felt truly independent?

I'm just sayin' that we can't let the worst-case scenario scare us off. the best possible outcome is also possible.

Or you could get run over by a bus....

Listen to elephants "the best possible outcome is also possible"

the fact you do not trust him to drive with them wihtout you, take them swimming wihtout you or look after them when they ill without you says a lot about this man.

as does the fact your fear of his reaction more than anything makes you think you should stay together...

Hi Alfreda - you weren't hijacking - that's what threads are for - to share information and support. I hadn't heard of "bottled up" but have googled it and found out. Please carry on posting if you want to!
Yes SGB - that's my husband! I have contributed to our relationship breakdown but he is the one with the difficult character, not me!!!
Yes agree that there is not enough respect elephantsaregreen, he is a moody character it is true, but no, I am the person he speaks to in this way - I know I am imagining the worst in a separation scenario but it is the complete unknown...
cestlavielife - dh is very loving with children and I don't think he is incompetent, I just somehow think that in terms of the children's general safety it is better if we are both around as two adults are better than one?? I suppose they are still small (4, 6 and 9 - soon to be 5, 7 and 9) and like all parents I suppose, I sometimes (at night normally) get visions of horrible things happening which make my blood run cold. There are some things which I have been more in charge of and dh would take a little longer to get used to them but he could do it. Once or twice when kids were on antibiotics he was suggesting ending the course before the end as it were because they are damaging (antibiotics that is) which I would never do - I worry about stuff like that if I was not around. Or when I take the kids out in the car I always make sure I tell them which side to get out of when we have parked - especially since a friend told me about an 11 year old boy who was killed getting out of the car on the road side. Now I know that dh loves the kids and of course he has his own way of keeping them safe so maybe I am just being controlling? I think there is a controlling side to my nature anyway.
You are right - being scared of his reaction to a possible separation is not a reason to stay in the relationship!!!

Anyway, I have phoned relate and am supposed to phone back on friday to book an appointment the week of the 14th of march - don't want to do it any earlier as am supposed to be writing an essay!

Thanks again for all your messages and kind words.

i think it's great you are going to get some counselling for yourself but can't you do something practical and definite such as see a divorce solicitor as well.

it sounds as if you know this is not a relationship that can continue. my worry is that counselling can on some levels be an enabler for the continuation of an unhealthy relationship because it allows to let off a bit of that steam that is actually (rightly) pressuring you to get out. it makes it just that little be more bearable and so you stay.

can you think of any reason to prolong the pain and not make an appointment to see a solicitor this week?

Sounds like you have quite a dilemma there and are thinking about all the right issues. Balancing short term pain (leaving, upheaval, arguments, upset, moving house) against long term gain (a much happier life for you and your DC) and potential pitfalls (DH getting large amounts of unsupervised access that you are nervous about) is very very tough.

Perhaps you should think about where you will be in five years time. What if you do nothing? You will still be living the same dilemma and have wasted 5 years of opportunity. By then, you will convince yourself to wait until the DC leave home. By then you will be 55 and convinced that the DC need stability whilst at UNI. Eventually you will find you have spent your life with this man.

Imagine OTOH that you split now and go through the hiatus that is divorce (dreadful) then meet a nice, normal man and have a loving relationship within say 3-5 years. One where he respects you and your feelings. Where he takes care of you, and you of him. Where he shares the parenting, and your dreams. Where you make gentle love every night and fall asleep in his arms.

Your choice, I guess. Not easy. i wish you luck.

Horrible stage to be in.

When I divorced my DCs were 7, 10, 13, 15 and 18, so a little older than yours in general. We were separated two years previously though, so move those ages back two years (5 to 16). The 16 year old hadn't spoken to her father for a year before he left.

The effect on the children was the worst to contemplate. Against the advantage of an intact home (with the financial and other potential benefits) I put the disadvantage that I was dealing with a sulking overgrown two year old in the guise of a H, and the effect his behaviour was having on me -- was I able to be the best parent I could with the stress of dealing with exH constantly on my plate? The answer was no. It wore me down and it hung over me like a cloud.

The arrangement we came up for visitation with is not nice for anyone. I worry especially about one of the DDs who has asthma and exH doesn't think inhalers are necessary. He actually doesn't believe she has asthma, because she was diagnosed by a pediatrician and they are all quacks in his opinion. The DCs have had to learn to look out for each other and take care of each other much more than they normally would have had to. exH hasn't a clue about basic child care, never has, and I could never tell him anything without being accused of being a bitch or a nag.

They have all survived physically. Emotionally, we are far healthier at home among ourselves than we were before he left. The difference in atmosphere at home could be felt within a week of his departure. It has thrown a spanner into their lives though. But there is nothing that can't be dealt with by honest conversation and patience with the children.

Hi SNM, notsolomon, and mathanxiety -
I think you are right SNM that counselling will give me a place to vent - just today dh and I are in a slightly easier mood with each other and have talked a little and I've caught myself thinking oh it's fine!!! when it isn't really because it is far away from the kind of relationship I would like to have... I'm not ready for the whole solicitor thing because they say you should only consider separation if you have tried to fix every other part of your life - in my case I really want to get a job, sort "clutter" out at home and do more fun things with the kids... if I try to be as happy as possible as well as fulfilling my responsibilities better then I will be in a better position to "see the wood from the trees" as it were - but I do need to find strategies to deal with the difficult parts of dh's personality while I do this as I find myself "sinking" at weekends when the only adult contact I have is with him.
notsolomon - you conjured up such a lovely picture of falling asleep in my future partner's arms that I almost went looking for him straight away - am feeling a little embarrassed that I gave the impression that dh can't look after the kids properly - he is fine, just not used to doing some of the things which I do and I am quite controlling so I would probably be ringing up to find out if they had worn their helmets while out cycling! I too often think that I will be 55 when youngest dd finishes school! Quite a frightening thought.
mathanxiety - thank you for your very honest and open post - I can relate to what you say about your exH not believing that your dd has asthma as dh is prone to making grand sweeping statements like that (all peditricians are quacks therefore your daughter can't have asthma) - if he has decided that something is "all bollocks" then as far as he is concerned, it is! He tends not to believe that peanut allergies exist and I thank our lucky stars that none of our kids are allergic. Still once he had seen one of them having a reaction he might change his mind. Anyway, forgive me for rambling on. I wish you and your kids all the best :).

I think in some ways it is as simple as dh and I having run our course together, but not being able to move on!