What did the end of your relationships feel like?

[ostracized]

Hi - dh and I talking really really little - it's not even a sulk as such but there are SO MANY unspoken issues between us that any normal communication has dried up. Evening after evening we sit in the living room and might exchange one sentence worth of words if that and then whoever decides to go to bed first (in different rooms) leaves the room without saying anything to the other one.....
Am too scared to ask him outright if he will come to counselling with me - is that weird? and spend a lot of my time thinking we have to separate but thinking how awful that would be as would have to be separated from our dcs for the time that dh had them - also terrified of whole idea of divorce and very sad to think dcs would have all of that to deal with as well...
SEEM TO BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY STUCK WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT TO DO NEXT...... SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME FEELING COMPLETELY UNMOTIVATED.
I've got the number for relate in my area and will ring them on monday to organise one to one counselling, but don't know how on earth that will help...

What are you scared of? Is it because if you ask him about counselling, and he says no, that will give a clear signal that he's not interested in improving/fixing your relationship? That will things somewhat I guess.

Why are you sleeping in separate rooms? Do you think there might be someone else involved?

Sorry OP, sounds like a rubbish situation :( Hope you find lots of help on here.

I meant, whatever response he gives to your suggestion of Relate, will give you an idea of where his thinking is re: your relationship.

Yes lots of unresolved arguments. If I were to suggest counselling to dh he would start ranting about stuff he blames me for (not saying he is always completely wrong but I get no airspace for what I want to say really as he starts shouting and I get upset).... Plus he has really rubbished the idea of counselling in the past (when talked about in other contexts)....

Maybe he is afraid. People often start blaming others when they haven't got the courage to face the real issues: and those closest to you are the easy targets. You sound a lovely person who is trying to think of some way to turn things round. Well done you - it can't be easy.

Your post made me think of the Bed Song by Amanda Palmer. It's a song about leaving things too late: I hope you manage to find a way through this. Maybe counselling won't help but you don't know til you've tried and it's certainly better than doing nothing.

Thanks rivercity! Always nice to be told you sound like a lovely person :). Don't know if I am trying to turn things around or not really - as part of me would like to run for the hills (not without dcs though!) - but I literally don't know what to do next in the middle of feeling so disliked, ignored, and unimportant (in dh's eyes). Dh is a very blaming kind of person and comes from a blaming kind of family , and I suppose it is easier to do that than turn the anger inwards - incidentally he is also very critical of himself but don't see why I have to be at the brunt of his family's dysfunctional patterns (bad temper, blame, sulking).

Sorry robberbutton, the sleeping in different rooms started with the whole having kids thing and him snoring and then later various kids waking up and I would go and lie with them until they went back to sleep and now I sleep in the same bedroom as dds and somehow cannot bring myself to sleep in the same bed as dh as a) he comes to bed so late that I would have to wait for HOURS for him to come to bed and b) when he does lie in the same bad as me he is totally unaffectionate with arms glued to his sides so I end up feeling much worse than if I am sleeping in another room to be honest. I don't think there is another woman though sometimes wish dh would meet somebody! Don't mean to be flippant about this as I know it is a very painful experience and probably even at this stage I wouldn't like it either, but at least SOMETHHING would be happening!

I think you going to talkto someone on your own may help. You may not be able to change him and it can be tiring to keep trying, just because he is hurt by his past may not mean you have to put up with being treated wrongly. Don't leave it too late get support whilst you are good and strong!!!