Men and their caves !

[everton]

Why do men go in their caves and how long do they go for ? He said he was stressed and acknowledged he needed to go to his cave, so i left him be no txt or calls etc for 2 days then he txt saying had i fell out with him. If i had txt he wouldn't had replied so i thought why bother! Is this normal man behaviour ? how long do you give them to come out of the cave ? he is stressed cause of work not us he says!

sevenstars that's just terrible. I know there is a in your post but it doesnt sound funny to me. I have mucho experience in this area.

In the same room and stonewalling you?

It sounds crap. At least tell him if he needs to be in his cave can he please make his cave somewhere upstairs out of sight, or, even better, Doha, but only after making your supper, rubbing your feet and putting his dummy in the washing machine himself.

spoon

OK, pretty much everybody occasionally needs or wants to flounce off and sulk for a bit, or even just spend some time alone with his/her own thoughts. What is a load of toxic bullshit, though, is the idea that men are allowed/entitled to do this but women are not. John Gray's entire output is basically 'WOmen! Suck it up and suck cock, men are more Sensitive and Special and basically more IMPORTANT than you so just suck it up.' In a healthy relationship, both partners occasionally behave a bit stupidly or selfishly, then they apologise and everyone moves on. If one partner is expected to just accept repeated sulking/attention-seeking/not pulling your weight on the grounds that it's Just The Way Things Are then that's not a healthy situation.

It is crap really. But this is the way it goes with him and as he's my DH and father of my children, I'm adapting to it instead of trying to change it. There is still a big grey elephant in the room at the moment (yes, from two nights ago!) and I occasionally ask to talk about it but the answer is no. I think I know what the reason is as it's nearly always the reason when he's like this... he thinks I'm having an affair. And it's such utter bullsh*t. I have a clean slate in this relationship (and it's a long-standing one, spanning decades), nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. This is purely his issue and his issue alone as it's all in his head. I'm not wasting any more of my energy on it.

he thinks I'm having an affair.

What has he done about this exactly ? Has he suggested counselling to discuss your affair , or has there been talk of seperating over your affair ? Or does he just bang on about it while you justify yourself and try to appease him ?

I dont think many men would stay around if they genuineley thought their wife was having an affair.
Nice that he feels he has the right to choose whats up for discussion and whats not.

He's sulking for days because he deludes himself into thinking you're having an affair???

I used to get this from an ex boyfriend years ago and no amount of reassurances would convince him otherwise, it was hideous.

I'd say he needs to seek help with this and quick - what will he convince himself of next?

Total idiocy - glad to see that you're not willing to give him any more attention on this issue but do think he needs telling in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is out of order as well.

Does he pass the affair test himself? Is his phone available, left unattended.. is he open with you?

Often those that are up to no good, accuse others of being up to no good, pick fights/stonewall.

Or else he's trying to gain some kind of control. Has your routine changed, new job, going back to work or something to put you in a new environment, on a par with him, or less reliant on him?

dignified - it generally goes like this. I can tell there's something on his mind as he gets moody. It's also accompanied by lots of questions. If I'm going out, where am I going, when will I be back, that sort of thing. Sometimes, I find him looking through receipts if he thinks I've been longer than I should have been at the shops or something (I do enjoy a slow mooch around the shops when I don't have the kids). But never any direct questioning or direct discussion. Eventually, I manage to get it out of him and he more often than not admits he's being silly. Sometimes, I believe this can crop up when he's under pressure elsewhere in life. Not that I'm trying to excuse it. It's sht behaviour and I do get sick of it. However, I'm not willing to let it get to me so much as to end the relationship. I just console myself with getting on with whatever it is I* want to do, e.g. getting together with girl friends, eating chocolate/cake, MNing! etc.

BibiBlocksberg - your experience sounds very similar. I have once or twice suggested seeking help for this but the answer has also been no. He's a very stubborn individual, very practical, not a great believer in the emotional self. I do always tell him (when it eventually comes out) that it's totally unreasonable but it doesn't stop it happening again.

Eventually, I manage to get it out of him

Maybe its a form of attention seeking for him. I dont think i could even be arsed to ask him whats up.

No, I really don't think he's up to anything. He's got VERY strong morals about affairs.

dignified, I do wonder sometimes! The only reason I do ask it because I hate living in a cold climate and I just want the air cleared.

"It's sh*t behaviour and I do get sick of it"

It is and I bet you do!!!

For a man who says he isn't a great believer in the emotional self he doesn't half do a lot of toddler style sulking though.

Sorry, not helping I know, just re-living my own experience I guess. Looking back I cannot believe how much energy I used to put into offering reassurances etc all to no avail.

At the end of the day it was just a control tactic used to keep me focused on him.

Just saying because no matter how much you think you're able to ignore it (doing what you want etc) it's still there in the background (the elephant as you so rightly called it)

Sevenstars, are you living with my XH? He did exactly that... going quiet and grumpy, eventually admitting he thought I'd got someone else, usually apologising after. I spent years thinking he would eventually learn to trust me; years looking forward to being old and ugly and fat because at last he would realise nobody else wanted me and relax. The only thing that changed after a quarter century of it was that I had a bit of a breakdown and started to actually try to have an affair, on the grounds that I couldn't be falsely accused of something I was actually doing. (I failed to have one, but I believed I was trying to, although I'm fairly sure that if I had found myself in compromising circumstances with a real live bloke I'd have run away screaming. Whatever else I may be, I am a great coward.) He rang his sister, in my hearing to tell her we were getting divorced because I'd met somebody else, all the details planned out as if we really had been discussing it. It was news to me, but it sounded like such a good idea that I said yes, let's get divorced, that would work. Turns out he didn't mean it, and he even told the counsellor he would agree to me having a bit on the side if it would keep the family together. Nice.

Nowadays I'm fairly sure he still tells everyone I left him for a man, or several men, but who cares as long as they can't make me take him back.

"was news to me, but it sounded like such a good idea that I said yes, let's get divorced, that would work"

I am laughing like a drain at that, sorry, I know it's not funny just wish I'd had the courage to counter with something really great like that!!

In hindsight it's quite funny, yes. The silly thing was that he obviously intended it to have the opposite effect. Once you've seen the game for what it is, though, pressing the old buttons just never works the same as it used to.

At least I realised why he always used to say I was so gullible, I'd trust anyone, give my handbag or my baby to a stranger to hold in the street etc. I found it very insulting, but he knew I was gullible because I believed him.

Where were we? Oh yes... sevenstars, tell the bugger to either pull himself together or get on with divorcing you on the grounds of the adultery he imagines you're committing. It's not your fault he has funny things going on in his head. You did not put them there and you should not suffer for them.

And everton, just accept that you're damned if you do contact him and damned if you don't because he wants to be awkward. That's not a man thing, it's a miserable bastard thing, and they come in all sexes.

Look, this behaviour is not 'just the way men are', it's abuse. He is acting in a way that causes you distress, because he wants to control your behaviour. You're supposed to be scurrying around desperately trying to placate him, and promising to be even more obedient and submissive in the future.
Men who are very jealous and possessive make lousy partners, because unfortunately once you see through the early stages of controlling behaviour and refuse to be controlled by it, they often escalate.

FWIW, "cave" has now been evacuated and my assumptions on cause were correct. Although I am under no illusion that this won't happen again, I am one notch up on the scale of giving a sh*t, towards the "doilookbovvered" end and I have made that clear. So I've done my bit.

When he comes back, tell him you've had a lovely time without him and as he obviously has somewhere else (cave) to go, he can go back there permanently and leave you in peace.