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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can a woman help a man with erection difficulties?

8 replies

noplacelikehome · 25/02/2011 23:13

I've been going out with a lovely man for a few months now. I love him to bits, everything about our relationship is fantastic. He's kind, gentle, funny and very sweet. The one problem is sex.
He's been very open and told me he has trouble getting an erection and went to great lengths to reassure me that the problem is not me. He thinks I'm gorgeous and wants to have sex with me but his penis just will not co-operate.
He gets very upset about it as it is very frustrating and not being able to make love to me properly makes him hate his body. He went to the doctor and had tests, there is nothing physically wrong, he can and does get erections, it's just that when he tries to put it in me it goes soft.
The doctor prescribed tablets which he has been taking daily for a couple of weeks but we've yet to see an improvement.
I have never been with a man with this problem so am just looking for advice on how to help him.
It's difficult to know what to say, I can't say it doesn't matter because it does, to both of us.
He thinks he should be able to get hard through kissing and the knowledge that sex is on the cards.
Is this unrealistic? We're in our 30s.
Maybe more stimulation is needed. I think maybe if I play with him a bit, go down on him, this would help him get an erection..
The trouble is he hates me touching his penis when it's soft, he pushes my hand away and won't let me go near it if it's not hard. If it gets hard then he'll attempt sex, if it doesn't then he just wants to cuddle and play with me.
When he attempts sex and goes soft he gets upset and I feel so awful for him.
I just want to help him and us to have a satisfying sex life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, particularly from anyone who has experienced these problems.

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 26/02/2011 14:03

It sounds like he's putting himself under a lot of pressure to perform. There are a couple of things you can try. The quick fix solution is to get a cock ring - that will keep him hard when he does get an erection. It could be that if the two of you manage to have sex once then it will be a lot easier after that - that was certainly the case when my DP and I had this problem. The other thing I would suggest is to try taking penetration off the table altogether for a while - he might find it easier to get erections and keep them when he knows sex isn't going to happen.

talleyrand · 26/02/2011 14:09

or .. penetration ON a table?

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 14:17

I agree with Queen, he is practically talking himself out of getting an erection, by worry and panic, and putting pressure on himself.

Perhaps you could try NOT having sex. Then there are no expectations.

Have a couple of drinks to relax.. not too much so that it affects performance.. but enough to take the edge away from being stone cold sober and clinical.

Dont try in the bedroom, just randomly stroke him or nuzzle into him on the sofa...

ladysybil · 26/02/2011 14:36

perhaps naive of me, but isnt this exactly the sort of thing viagra is supposed to help with?

cabbageroses · 26/02/2011 16:21

Viagra is for men with a physical problem such as bad circulation. it does not help men who get erections then lose them due to stage fright etc.

Classic therapist advice is not to have sex for at least a month. agree it is not going to happen and spend your time caressing etc.

If he knows he is not allowed penetration he may well be able to when the time comes!

noplacelikehome · 26/02/2011 18:01

Thanks for your replies :)
Yes he is putting himself under a lot of pressure.
He can't understand why this is happening as he fancies me so much and the desire is there, he feels like he's letting me down.
He went through a very stressful time a couple of years ago and has struggled with keeping erections since.
Maybe not attempting sex for a while would be an idea but I would like to still touch and play with him but he won't let me touch it if it's soft.
He's embarrassed and says it's too small.
How can I convince him to stop worrying and to let me touch him, erection or no erection?

OP posts:
meredithgrey · 26/02/2011 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noplacelikehome · 26/02/2011 22:18

He has been prescribed tablets, not Viagra but something similar.
He's only been taking them for a couple of weeks, not sure how long they take to kick in, he takes half a tablet a day.
Maybe it's early days.

OP posts:
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