Why are you here?

[madonnawhore]

When I was looking for information/support/the courage to leave my emotionally abusive relationship last year, MN was a total lifeline for me.

Since then I've kept coming back to the relationships board because I find it's a great sense checker for other stuff that's going on in my life and hopefully I am able to offer advice and support to other posters who are going through a shit time.

The thing is, I wonder whether spending too much time on here is actually a bad thing. I see the same posters dedicate so much energy and effort to posting support for others, which is admirable and fantastic, but I sometimes wonder why. Is it healthy to be reading about such abject misery and emotional trauma here daily, without having had any formal training to be able to cope with hearing such horrible stories.

I sometimes come off here feeling a bit haunted by things I've read and I wonder whether that's not that good really.

I dunno, just putting it out there for discussion. Why do you keep coming back here?

I found this board a lifeline when I was leaving XP too. I have come back on and off. Sometimes I find it too much and I don't post or read at all, other times I read and think things along the lines of thank god I'm not in that situation any more, I'm glad other people are helping that person, but don't post.

Short version - when I am feeling strong I post because it was such a lifeline to me, and having got out and experienced life on "the other side" so to speak, I get angry about how some people are treated and if I can give them a tiny bit of hope or strength then that is huge, for me, and kind of validates my own struggle, in a way - that sounds weird, and egotistical, what I mean is that going through such a crap relationship, putting up with the shit etc, and then realising I didn't have to, it makes me feel better to help others come to that realisation too. I just think I didn't go through all that to stand back and let it happen again to a million other women. I know I can't single-handedly change anything, but small changes are worth it too :)

But honestly, if you're feeling haunted by it stop reading for a while. Hide the topic or don't click on threads. Mumsnet is huge and that is one of the things that makes it great. You can offer support if you feel up to it, but if you don't, there are other people who can, and do. There's no obligation :)

I don't post a lot but when I do it is to reassure that being a lone parent is actually OK
It was a possibility that really frightened me when I was with ex and I can identity with women staying with the 'devil they know' because the unknown alternative is so frightening. I certainly didn't become a lone p out of choice but now I am one I am really enjoying life

Good post Bertie.

Yeah maybe I'll take that advice. Feeling a bit fragile lately, counselling bringing up a lot of old stuff at the moment.

I think that's it ninah, you just want other people to know it's going to be ok.

For me it helped me hugely to work out what was happening to me after I had an affair and woke up to a failing marriage and some abusive behaviour on my part.

Apart from my controlling/manipulative exDH logging on and messing about on the boards I have had lots of support and a few well deserved kicks up the backside.

Now I am coming out the other side and after 18 months of enjoyable psychotherapy I feel I owe something back. And I have grown fond of the place

I'm here because I grew up in a domestically violent household, and I wish I could save other kids out there from suffering what my brothers and I went through, so I try to be the voice of experience in threads about domestic abuse. I try to give the child's experience of it. Often women in DV relationships think the kids would hate the parents to split up, that leaving would upset the kids more than staying, or that they are unaware and unaffected by the abuse, but I can tell them otherwise. I can speak of the long term mental health effects that my brothers and I suffer, I can assure them that two separated parents not hurting each other are much more preferable to an abusive household.

I worried for a long time about whether I was focusing too much on abusive relationships. Every counsellor has warned me against hiding from my own issues by thinking about other people's. I finally worked out that I gravitate to threads that have something to teach me. I don't often know what that is, but I do always find another little piece of my personal jigsaw has slid into place.

One of my few life rules is "one good turn a day" so, if I help someone, that's a bonus. I don't do it out of altruism, though; I'm doing it for myself.

dizietsma, thanks for the link you posted on another thread about the woman with a 4-year-old boy. That also taught me something I hadn't realised I needed to learn.

I hear ya Grace, I want to help women and children free themselves from DV, but I realise it is often a futile, fruitless task. It's also about learning things about my past through the situations of others. After reading a fair few DV threads over the years I think I have a pretty good idea of the commonalities in the mindset of abused women, which has in turn helped me understand my mum from a more compassionate standpoint.

I am on MN daily anyway, and I don't particularly haunt the relationships section, but often click on the threads.

I have some life experience to offer, and am in a happy relationship now to give some perspective.

I am also a qualified counsellor to a professional level, but I don't really like to spend my time on MN doing that. Hopefully though, I have some skills in terms of being non-judgmental etc, to use here.

Once under another name, I got invaluable advice on here that literally saved my sanity (and my future sanity as I undertook cbt because of the advice on here)
I feel so bloodly bad for some people, I don't post very often, as I feel I can't offer much advice as there seems much more worldly wise posters than me on here that can see the 'whole picture' whereas I am still pretty limited, but hopefuly getting there.

I just know how bad it feels to feel like shit and i hope that someday I can give some advice or support to another poor soul, like I was.

And of course im nosey as well to be perfectly honest.

Oh god, the nosey bit sounds so bad.
I would rather be able to really help someone.

This is an interesting thread. When I go on Mumsnet the only topics I look at are (in order of importance) Relationships, AIBU, Primary Education, Lone Parents and Divorce. Am in a difficult relationship so sometimes post for advice, sometimes read other people's situations, occasionally post advice or thoughts in resonse to others' situations. However I always seem to click on threads which resonate for me.
The only thing I sometimes worry about is that I am reading things in relationships emphasizes the worst in dh and also that I am obsessed with what a bad relationship looks like rather than a good one if you see what I mean.... Am also shocked by how many people feel/are trapped in their situations as I do. ~Wish society was set up differently so that friendly co-parenting was more socially and legally accepted!

sorry, "that emphasize"

I pop on a few times per week with light postings...it is reassuring and friendly to see familiar faces...

I come in search of intelligent, thoughtful debate on the keen issues of the day, that I son't get outside. Some really refreshing takes on things. I post in hope....... as well as pointers on my own dc.

There does seem to be a sort of hardcore of MNistas who appear to spend masses amount of time on here, to a degree that doesn't seem particularly healthy for a person.

for me giving advice to others is sort of reinforcing a new mindset to me. i've been in abusive situations before and failed to recognise them as such or respond to them in a healthy fashion. for me with a weakness towards being in an abusive cycle seeing other situations and recognising the abuse and being strong about it is a way of building up my own confidence that i won't be in that cycle again.

Not sure that we can say how much time is healthy/unhealthy though......much of the interaction seems positive and supporting/supportive...so why would that be unhealthy?

I have a very good friend who is a real cyber- entrepreneur and he quoted some stat for blogs that said sounded like the 80/20 rule, that is, a majority of the activity by a minority of the members is normal

I post on the Relationships board a fair bit, because I had one nasty break up and was caught in one really shit relationship - but I have also had years of counselling, training in counselling (although never actually to full counsellor level, I wasn't ready at the time and never went back to it) and in other life-management techniques.

I feel that I have something to offer in terms of experience and help - not right all the time or for everyone of course - and I learn more from other people's advice and experience too.

Very little of what comes up affects me in terms of my own situations now - they were a long time ago and I have worked through them, so I can be more objective, I think.

Also, I was given so much time by my friends when I went through my first break-up - freely given, they listened to my sadness and going round and round the same old stuff for hours - I feel I need to pay it forward, iyswim.

If it helps someone else, even if it's just one person, then it's worth it.

Oh, not being prescriptive, or 'telling' anyone they shouldn't spend so much of their lives on here - I am MrLurkAlot more than postAlot. Lots of threads can be life-savers for people ( see alchohol and relationships for instances). Also the philosophy/spiritaul sections are uplifing and not ususally available outside of 'religious' concerns.

I've stopped posting so much on relationship threads as it was so frustrating not being able to help more - I spent a lot of time trying to explain to people why they shouldn't stay with abusive partners and so on and it just got exhausting.

SmashingNarcissistMirrors that is a really interesting point about reinforcing a new mindset. I feel the same way, like coming on here and telling other women in trouble what I was told when I was in trouble will make it 'stick' in my mind and hopefully reflect in my behaviour.

lookingfoxy, don't feel bad. I think we'd all be liars if we said we weren't here because we're even just a teensy bit nosey.

Also, and I don't mean this in a schadenfraude way AT ALL, but it's comforting to know you're not the only one.