4 mth old baby, relationship breaking down. please help.

[matthewsmummy]

im having trouble with my dp, i think we may be headed for the end i have no sexual desire for him most of the time and we argue all the time,

he's so selfish and imature and i think im falling out of love with him. i still love him but not in the same way. we have a son together who is only 4 months old and i really don't want to end it for his sake but im not sure if theres anything there to save.

we live with my parents which causes alot of arguments coz he dosen't like my mum. but we have no choice because im back at college and not working and he dosen't earn enough on his own for us to manage on our own with a home.

he is also so lazy and i know i will end up doing everything myself and with college i know i won't be able to cope with ds aswell. but i feel selfish because ds should have his dad around and if i wasn't at college them we could move out and maybe things would be better, but deep down i know things will be so much harder and we'd probley argue over him being lazy anyway.

should i move out and see if things will work or is he being unreasonable, coz in my eyes my mum is a great help and dosen't interfer but he thinks she does and that he dosen't get time to spend with ds, but thats not true coz she wants him to be involved, he's the one thats not interested and just uses it as an excuse i think.

should i leave him, or what shall i do? im only 19 and very confused. i can't really explian how bad it gets sometimes but he shouts at me all the time, says i spend all his money, but i never spend it on myself its all on ds and he still moans about that. and i'm still getting maternity pay at the moment si its not even all his money.

he also puts pressuer on me to have sex with him when i don't want to, if i say no he'll turn over in bad and not alk to me again till the morning, when he's still moaning baout it. mpst of the time i just give it to him to shut him up and keep the peace but i really don't want too, i just lay with my eyes closed till he's finished, but at the moment thats better that him shouting at me for always havibg excuses but its not excuses coz i really am tired. im doing a college course then coming home to ds and homework, and still getting woken in the night a few times.

as you can see its just all confusing and i don't know what to do. sometimes i think that i can deal with it and just carry on and others i just want out, i think i'd be better off on my own.

please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Hi Matthewsmummy
Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds to me like you know the answer to this, but it would be a brave step and one you would obviously be reluctant to take. Maybe some sort of second chance/trial period is in order? You and your son are the most important people here and you have a great mum who will no doubt stand by whatever decision you make.

Your other half needs to start appreciating and respecting you and your mum or get out of the relationship. Raising a child and getting an education are fantastic things and I'm sure you'll do well at both but unless he sorts himself out, he's going to put one or both at risk.

I'm sure lots of other MNers will have good advice and support for you - good luck in whatever you decide to do.

x

MM.he sounds very selfish and immature.
Kick him out for a bit. You've already got one baby to deal with.
He may come to his senses. If not,then you've had a lucky escape.
Ideally kids have a father around,but if he serves no purpose,then frankly,what is the point?

thanx racers and moondog for your advice, i don't think i trial or break apart would help coz he'd just get all on his high horse probley and say thats the end then. thats his imaturity showing again. when we have rows it always ends in well why don't you leave me then (thats coming from him by the way) but then he's all sorry when i say ok then i will. and then pretends its all fine again and coz i can't be bothered to argue i just go along with it.

He obviously doesn't think you will leave him (or kick him out of the house) and he thinks he has full control over you (which, to be honest, he does have a lot of doesn't he?) I would make him see that this isn't the case and you're not to be walked over. Can you talk to your mum about this? Sounds like the 3 of you would be much better off without him.

Hi mathewsmummy, just saw this and wondered if I could help atall. When I was pg (and after ds was born)I tried really hard to maintain a relationship with his father even though he was a total PIG because I believed it was the right thing to do.
It wasn't. I suffered him for 9 months then ds and I suffered for another year until I finally had the courage to step out of the poisoned atmosphere he creates.
Ds sees his father every week although it kills me because his parenting skills leave alot to be desired but at least I can counteract alot of the behaviour he learns from him which I could never do if we were together.
As you probably know I now have a lovely dd with my dp, and the difference is incredible. I get such pleasure from seeing my ds and dd learn about life and relationships from a kind gentle loving caring funny considerate man.
Hope that doesnt sound ott, it took me a long time to get here and there were plenty of tears and soul-searching along the way.

i haven't spoke to my mum yet although i think she knows whats going on coz she keeps asking me if im happy and whats wrong. i surpose i haven't told her coz i know what she'll say, and i know she'll be right but i surpose im in denial abit coz i don't want to give up for ds's sake which i know is not the right thing to do coz his life will prob be better if i was happier.

i also don't know how to end it, what do i say, do i wait for another row and then say it and mean it this time. or just come out and say it, im not sure he really knows how bad it is, coz i never really go on about it to him any where.

yes racers, he has and it all started when i was pg, i was very ill and would never answer back coz i didn't have the energy and have never really regained my power and i think its too far gone to get it back.

Talk to your mum first so you know you have the back-up then tell him what you have decided. If you wait for an argument situation he probably won't take it as seriously, I suspect. You need to regain control over your own life, enjoy your time with DS etc. Mine is same age, btw.

A girl though!

hi matthewsmummy!
your story sounds so similar to mine, i had my first ds in october 2002 had been with my then dp for two years at first he was really attentive and caring but after about two months changed completely. he would go out every night and not come back till early hours that was if he even bothered to come home! i then had my second ds in june last year and he was worse, i, like you thought it was me who should try that little bit harder. we moved in august of last year and it was after he didnt come home for three days i decided enough was enough and told him to leave. i would be lying if i said the first few weeks were easy because they werent. i was a single mother with a two year old and a three month old baby. but today i am a much stronger person, have a loving dp, two extremely happy and polite boys and i couldnt be happier anyway sorry to go on but believe me you are stronger than you think. wish you lots of luck whatever you decide ((((((((hugs)))))))) xx

thanx carly82

my god mm are you me the only thing that differes is i dont give into sex he doesnt push me basically cos im still bleeding and my dd is 6months. we havent had sex since she was born

thanx everyone

Hi MM any news? Hope you and DS are well.

hi mm!ive just read all the threads and i was 17 when i has 1st ds and x was just like yours but didnt live with me (i too lived with parents still).It is far from easy!my x was very manipulating and could twist and turns things so easily, and would make me feel like it was me who had done wrong all the time!same goes for sex!and i knew for ages i didnt want to be with him,but like you i didnt think it was best having my 1st child.untill my son was born that is!
i could see how manipulating and selfish he was, we had an argument (which always happened right way through the pregnancy and after)and i just said it -"ive had enough of you,i dont love you and i dont want to be with you anymore"
That was it.i seemed to be more upset than him, because id wanted to say that to him for so long.
My son was 10 days old then,and x left the next day.And has never seen him since then.
What annoys me now though,after 4 years he has decideded that he wants contact (after not being in ds life all that time,of his own choice)the judge has given him contact unsupervised stupid!
Anyway, i hope you have sorted out what to do for the best,if you stay together i dont think it is going to get any easier!
Im happy now and expecting my 3rd chilld with my dp who has taken on my ds.
It does happen, you can be happy again!both you and your ds.
good luck - whichever way you decide to go!
sorry for the essay!!!

thanx lillady for your reply, it is very helpful.

he racers, still the same i'm affraid, he has been better lately we had a week off together and it was quite a nice time, we went out together and spend time together. but my feelings haven't really changed when im with him things seem ok unless we have an argument, but then as soon as im not with him and talking to friends then the truth comes out and i realise i still feel the same about him, that some of the love and respect is gone, he def doesn't respect me enough.

everyone is telling me he's no good for me and my mums says im gonna to out grow him coz he's still so imature. and i think she's probley right. he still gets stressy when he can't get sex some times but has been doing the odd things around the house but not nearly enough. all my friends say id be better off without him and id be happier they say i don't seem happy and that im just surviving and pretending that its ok when its really not, and i think their problry right. but there are little things that would be harder if he wasn't around like i couldn't get me and ds to college in the morning. which i know isn't that important but it just makes life so much easier when we can go in the car. we would find another way but i don't know if i could handle all the up heaval if he had to move out.
like spilting all the stuff and arranging when he had ds, that would def cause arguments and i don't know if its worth all the hassle.

do i just carry on pretending and surviving how things are and b almost happy?

or do i leave him, go through the struggle and streeses and maybe be much happier in the end?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi MM
Thanks for letting us know how you've been getting on. It's good to hear that you have had some nice times together but it sounds like things haven't changed fundamentally and I think in all honesty you know the answer to your own question at the end there. I don't think pretending is in anyone's interest really, but I understand your reasons for wanting to carry on as you are. I hope you will be happier soon, either way, and can concentrate on enjoying DS
All the best ((hugs))

mm what your doing now is what iwas doing.Just letting him carry on as he usually is because its easier thatn the arguments - so why not just give in and let him have his own way just to keep the peace!
Im sorry to be so blunt - but dont you deserve to be happy.It may well get better for you and i hope it does.
I feel helpless for you because i no what it is like to be feeling like you are.
Only you can decide, and i agree with racers you already know the answers you're self, its just pluking up the courage to firstly believe it yourself and then be able to do something about it.
Sorry for being blunt and urm starting to sound corney