He wants to leave

[sparkle09]

Yesterday, me and DP had a row over my debts. during this he threatened to move out if I didnt sort them out, I childishly told him to just do it then as i cant stand being threatened with things like that and i have a mental block over being told what to do.

He then phoned his brother to ask him about moving in with him. i could hear the whole phonecall.

Since then we have not said a word to each other. as far as i was aware before yesterday, we were good. Generally getting on well. i know over the winter months i can be quite grumpy, and this years has been tougher than normal. but this whole thing is completly out of the blue.

However, im in 2 minds over us spliting up. I love him a lot, hes my best friend. but after a really hard time 3 years ago i dont think im 'in love' with him. A few times since then i have wanted to split and he has fought for us.

I'm terrifed of being single, I've been with DP since i was 18! Not sure i want to fight this one.

When he says he wants to move out unless you sort your debts out, what are you doing about your debts?
Normally when a man wants to leave or threatens to leave, the best answer is to tell him to start packing. However, is it possible that your H is trying to get you to sort out your debts because your spending behaviour is seriously out of control and he wants to avoid being dragged down with you?

i have a few small debts, all together come to about £1000. i live off my child tax credits and already paying off a few of them regulary. I never have money as they all go on bills, kids, debts.

when the debts call i have to fob them off a bit as i never have anything to give them, i know they are my own responsibility. and i try my best.

But im not taking out loans, store cards, and catalogues left right and centre.

He works, pays rent, council tax, food, water rates. i pay the rest, tv and internet, gas, electric, tv licence, and others. i have tried to ask him for help with paying for the gas over the winter which went well at first but then he stopped. gas ran out yesterday and i have no money until tomorrow.

Its all good and well him shouting at me about my debts but he wont spend the time helping me with my money.

Sounds like you have the bills like gas and electricity which have gone up a lot this year. You nedd to sit down with him, maybe with a debt counsellor at the CAB or similar, and work out your finances together. If he won't go with you go on your own. If things are ok otherwise with him maybe this might solve the problem.

i'm not sure it was a threat but more him laying down a boundary for what was acceptable to him in the relationship. personally i wouldn't want to live with a partner who had debts that were out of control (which they are if you can't meet the payments on time).

you were not willing to do this which is your right (it is your life). but then it is also his right to say okay and call you on that relationship dealbreaker for him.

i understand what you mean about not being told what to do but i think there are things that a partner should not necessarily be expected to put up with and should voice concern over (alcohol / drug abuse, uncontrolled debts, infidelity would be among my list). so i don't think this is so much him telling you what to do as him saying what he is prepared to live with in the relationship.

also if the gas is your responsibility it's not fair to expect him to pay out of that too when he is already paying for the rent, council tax and food (those are big bills and sound like bigger than the share you pay). i would be really annoyed if i was keeping my end of the bargain and then my partner was too disorganised to realise that gas bills cost more over the winter and hadn't taken that into account.

how would you feel if he turned around and said he didn't have enough to cover the food / rent and could you pay for that?

and really why should he spend time helping you with your money? you are an adult.

I agree with Smashing really.

I think it is fair enough that he has given you an ultimatum. You need to take responsibility instead of complaining that he neds to helpy uo more.

from everything you say in your post he sounds like a decent bloke - supportive, your best friend and has "fought for the relationship". you have been grumpy, failed to be on top of your money or financial responsibilities and threatened to leave him on more than one occasion.

he has given you several chances, you are unwilling to take responsibility, now the gas has run out because you can't pay for it.

can you really blame him?

sorry, I'm with smashing

If you want the relationship to end, then let him go but I don't think he has been unreasonable about any of this.

You pay regularly but have to fob them off when they call?? Doorstep lenders or phonecalls?

Gas meter? Do you have emergency credit to use til tomorrow

How many dc?

when you say that he won't spend time helping you with your money, what help is it that you want or need or expect? and have you asked for help? what has he said?

oh, but if he wants to leave - let him.

Surely you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you?

How many hours do you work? And does he contribute to childcare and housework?

Your row sounds like DH and I! We had to work together to reduce our bills...made cutbacks.

Look on moneysavingexpert.com for great advice.

Also call DEBTLINE which is an amazing free advice service...they write you letters and everything...you tell them who you owe what to and they will help you commnicat to the companies and then you tell them you can only afford x amount a week.....it's all free and expert advice...you can pay people what you can afford andthey have to accept it.

If you only pay 5 pouns per week to a debt then that's ok...it's legal but you must put it in writing. Google DEBTLINE

I think the core issue is your finances generally. If you have debts because you don't have enough money to afford the necessaties that is different to the fact you have created debt through mismanagement and are now refusing to sorth this out yourself.