Me and outlaws - been here before

[goingmadinthecountry]

OK, have moaned about this before but I was in tears today - youngest dd was apologising and asking what she'd done wrong

I apparently upset sil by giving my opinions on a local school that no-one even attends. She left our house, texted dh to say we werent speaking any more. Not unheard of tbh! ILs took her side and didn't even see dd3 on her 7th birthday or since. Since Xmas in fact despite living just up the road.

It made it very obvious to be (I knew anyway) that my lovely dcs are very much 2nd rate grandchildren. Older 3 not remotely bothered as they are always embarrassed by the sexist/racist/homophobic attitudes of gps.

I just worry that as dh is not seeing them, what happens if something happens to them? FIL has already had a couple of strokes. Not bothered if I don't see them (though feel mightily hard done by) but concerned on dh's behalf.

Would you grovel against all your beliefs/ideals or just leave it? It's really sending me into a dark frame of mind.

I would leave it, for sure. They have shown (presumably repeatedly) that you and yours are not important to them. What can you do about that? Nothing, thats what. Lighten the load. In short, fuck them.

I would leave it; if they offer an olive branch grab it with both hands, and (if you can) offer a branch yourself; but don't grovel. That never results in a good relationship.

Thanks both. I know I've never been what they planned for dh {!!} but you'd think that 23 years of marriage and 5 years before would count for something!

Why do you think they think your Dc Are "second rate"? Is it because your Dh has sisters with children?

And yes, of course nearly 30 years counts!

[Am at that point myself, but MIL is OK)

have you spoke to dh about if he is worried they wont tell him if something happens? I wouldnt grovel for doing nothing wrong. It seems a petty thing for them to fall out with you over but you say its not uncommon. How was it resolved in the past? Sounds like the kids are fine and if they are being treated as 2nd best they are better off without them. I'm sure your husband is capable of having a relationship with them if he wants. Dont beat yourself up over this you've done nothing wrong unless having an opinion is wrong

Stac, will speak to dh tomorrow. He's pretty miffed with them about this, as there really was no trigger, other than his sister being a little "special and princessy".

SIL has 3 children, and they definitely get more attention from grandparents. They all do family stuff together. Dh agrees I'm not making this up. "Family" is everything - I think they blame me for turning dh/dcs to a wider world, though this is not the case. Dh has always had a mind of his own.

stick to your guns they dont deserve any of you. Do they ever see you in the shops or anything? If so what do they do? Hope i dont seem nosey, they are just bizarre. Is she the favoured child too?

SIL was coming out of supermarket the other day as I went in - definitely clocked me, but obviously totally ignored me. BIL and nephew (18) both said hi on a different occasion though. Sent card and present to niece (dh's writing) and got a thank you card back. MIL definitely blanking me as I often see her walking her dog from the car. She dived into the village shop rather swiftly as I drove past! FIL even stone-facedly blanked dd with her L plates even though she pulled across to let him through a single tarffic bit of road (you'd normally acknowledge other driver!) but that may just be his personality! I'm waiting to see what she does if I'm having coffee with someone in a cafe and she walks in....

Really, life's too short. Bizarre really is the word. Will tell dh my worries today and move on. I think they've got to me enough already.

Really helps to vent on here - don't want to go on the children about it . Never done one of those but didn't really feel like a smiley face!

Silly silly people!

I assume you've explained to your youngest, that her gps are behaving really badly, and it isn't her fault? Because I think the most important thing here is that your kids know that they are lovely wonderful people, totally worth having a relationship with, and that they just unfortunately have idiots for relations. Have you got any nice rellies that you could arrange to come visit and make a fuss of you?

going that sounds like the best way to deal with them. Its shocking treatment from people you have known 30yrs. Let us know what dh thinks you should do

What happens if something happens to them? You're a much nicer person than me if you could give a damn. Sure, if some emergency means they need your help, it's only right to sort them out, it's basic humanity. But letting them treat you and your children like dirt in case they might need you in the future is surely taking decency too far. They're taking some silly second-hand miff out on a 7yo child. Let the buggers stew in their own juices. They have other children whose side they take against you whether reasonable or not. If they were all alone in the world it would be a different story. But they won't be lonely.

But maybe I just am not very nice.

MIL has a sigificant birthday in a couple of months - may hold tight and see what happens. To think, if we'd fallen out years ago I could have saved the expense of the holiday we paid for with the Japanese restaurant where fil started telling the (Japanese) waiter about the war..... You can't believe how incensed I was at the time!