Following on from the boxy thread I wonder if you could talk me through this?

[GoEasyThisIsDifficult]

I have had a trigger, having read the boxy thread.

Some of the things that were said in that thread have triggered things that I had burried a long time ago.

I don't know how to go about this really.

Do I let things lie or do I bring it up, as it may not be true.

EXP has no contact with our dc anymore and has not for a long time, I can't see that changing.

The worst bit, I feel sick, is that when the child in question said something to me when they were about 4, I can't even remember what it was they told me, I have been trying to think what was said and I can't.

It was enough at the time, and I feel so stupid now, that I spoke to EXP at the time about what the child had told me. He denied it and cried, I have burrid this so deep! I kept an eye on things at the time, and there seemed no other signs so I put it down to being a mistake from the child. I never mentioned this to anyone until now.

I was in denial at the time about a lot of things, due to confusion from the gaslighting, it is not an excuse.

What I now know about him is that he has cried three times, once when he thought he was going to loose me, that time and when he thought he was going to loose his partner he is with now.

I feel physically sick and disgusted at myself right now.

Should I let this go? The child has never said anything since, would a child say something by mistake? I am scared they have burried this if it was not a mistake.

I would let it go. I really would.

If he has no contact, there is no worry of anything happening in the future.

Four year olds can come out with things that sound odd, but make sense when you get to the root of it, and the odds are that is exactly what it was, a misunderstanding.

You say this was 'a long time ago'?

I don't see that there is anything to be achieved by you bringing it up now.

There's no contact and the time to act has passed.

Hopefully nothing happened but if it did then you bringing it up now, after ignoring it at the time, would be unlikely to be helpful.

Having said that, I would make extra sure that I let the child know that they could discuss anything with me and that I had complete faith in them.

Not that they're likely to believe that if they have any recollection of telling you at 4yo.

Do you think there is a chance that the child is in ongoing danger? If so, I think you should follow it up.

So much depends on the child's age now, but it's not good to perpetuate a situation where they feel responsible for 'protecting' you from secrets. Is there some way you could create an opportunity for the child to raise any issues, if there are any?

It sounds rather as if some ongoing conversations about family relationships at that time would be constructive anyway. A gaslighted mother sets up some strange dynamics with her DC, ime. I don't know if you did any counselling following your break-up ...?

Can I say that the threat to a child is not simply from the times when they are being abused.
Adults seeking help and counselling are not looking to block out the memory of the acts of abuse. They need help with guilt, shame, humiliation, regret, fear, self loathing etc etc.

Those saying' what could be achieved' speak as if preventing further abuse us the only reason to act.

I did not talk about my abuse until I was in my 20s and the. Feelings of shame and guilt stay with me.

If you have reason to believe a child has been abused, even years ago, speak to someone who could help.

Helping a child with abuse is not not not simply about ore venting further acts !

I can't say that loudly enough.

I remember my abuse from when I was two. Age isn't relevant.

Well said, pag.