Am I destined to have disfunctional relationships? Self worth/feeling lovable?

[bartonfinkisguilty]

OK, here goes. Have namechanged.

I have a history of addiction, eating disorders and self destructive behaviour. Got into recovery 10 years ago and no longer do these things. Just as I was stopping drinking I met a guy in AA and married him. It was pretty bonkers, controlling and turned nasty, with threats of violence and intimidation from him.

Then started reciovery from codependence (still ongoing!)and realsised the situation I was in. Managed to get out of that relationship after several years of hell as I didn't want to be treated like that anymore.

Am not attracted to many men, but now I've fallen for someone who is completely different from my ex, and in many ways absolutely wonderful, but has turned out to be un-available. I realise that him not being able to give me what I need is eroding my self esteem and re-inforcing the feeling that I don't deserve happiness/am unlovable. Am hopeless at leaving situations like this when I get emotionally involved. Even if I do the leaving, I feel awful and want to avoid this feeling of loss.

Question is how do I address this low self esteem/disfunctional pattern? For info I have a sucessful career, keep a reasonable house, pay my mortgage etc so do not feel like this in other areas of my life..

these patterns are very hard to break but understanding them and being mindful is a necessary step to do so.

i found reading about borderline personality disorder helpful as i have suffered from some of the patterns/symptoms in the past - hitting myself, dramatic statements, fear of rejection / need to cling to a relationship no matter what.

then realise you can make different choices.

They are hard to break Smashing. Hope you don't mind me asking, but have you got better at a deep level?

Do you think that maybe we get what we expect, and so if you expect better, and act like it, you get better?

I'm not sure if I actually believe that though and I don't seem to be able to do it to my own satisfaction.

Although I did manage to get out of the rel'ship with ex-h, so I do have limits, and I haven't wavered on that one. Prior to that though, there was quite a few attempts to leave him and I kept caving in.

i think i have got better as i'm more mindful. i think i still find it hard to recognise less obvious forms of abuse.

i have never ended an abusive relationship and so still don't have total confidence that i would be able to. in both cases my abusive relationships ended with serial infidelity from my partner and really bad behaviour from them and i just tried to cling - self abused etc etc.

there have been some dramatic rows in my current relationship and horrible things said. i am determined now to be more mindful and keep things more respectful and nurturing of each other.

so far so good.

for me i actually find it quite helpful to come on here and see others describe the abuse in their relationships because from the outside it is so much easier to see the dynamic and call it as it is.

Inner child therapy. It's a long road, and hard at times, but it does actually work. It teaches you to care enough about your self.

Congrats on everything you've done so far!! They warned you about recovery relationships, didn't they? Now you know why ... and have learned from it, so give yourself an extra star for that :)

Thanks Grace, yes I was warned
I am in therapy, and attending coda, but I'm not sure what recovery actually looks like!

Smashing - interesting you are noticing the dynamic - is it really that predictable? I noticed SGB said on a thread the other day that a man was being a certain way on purpose with the intention of destroying the OP's confidence, make her insecure etc. I'm not sure I believe any of the parties do it on purpose/knowingly.

They do
You should have seen XH's smirk when I deflected his sallies. He knew - and found it amusing that I knew.