Will separating reduce my stress?

[notsohappyfamilies]

Am on the verge of separating from my DH. Nice man but won't pull his weight either by looking for work or around the house. My job has been pretty stressful and I find all the thinking for 3DCs and household (nothing unusual just school notes, admin, bills, playdates etc.) quite a struggle on top of full time work and at least half the housework. I'm suffering increasingly from stress - usual symptoms - but it's getting worse and I'm scared that if I don't go that I will end up in the gutter. He doesn't know how to look after me when I get ill and doesn't want to take on any responsibilities to reduce my anxieties.

If we split, I would either move out or would live in a similar sized place round the corner and we would split the kids 50:50. At the moment I perhaps naively think this should work well. There is no real animosity, just five years of difficulties.

I have this idea that I can work at the weekends when I don't have dcs, can do things myself first time rather than trying to ask him to do things and then getting fraught as they don't get done or he needs reminding. He will find a job if I'm not there to support him financially, I'm sure of that, so less worry about that and I'll have fewer financial concerns.

Am I living in cloud cuckoo land? Any advice very gratefully received.

i suggest that it would reduce it yes. at the moment he is a big extra responsibility on your list that you don't need. you are already doing it all on your own really so have more resources and strengths than you probably realise.

Please be very careful about shared custody. He's not working, is he? You really don't want to be in a position where you have to pay him maintenance, or where he claims the tax credits and family allowances. You will feel obliged to give him money for your children's food, if nothing else.

Also, if you never see them at the weekend, then you won't be able to do fun things with them or take them with you to visit family and friends.

How old are your children?

Thank you both so much for taking the time to respond.

Smashing, you've put it perfectly in that he is an extra responsibility on my list. That's exactly how it feels.

Swim, our kids are 3, 4+ and 6+. The idea is to have them alternate weekends. I'm quite happy for him to have the tax credits etc. and yes, maybe I will have to sub him for a while at least (he's very popular round here so I don't think he'll be single for long, which pleases me in a way, I don't want him to be sad and lonely just because we can't get along).

I do worry about losing all access to my children being the only one working at the moment if he can claim to be the primary carer bc he's unemployed. He just did seven weeks work and I did lots of the child care - perhaps I need to carry on doing it (even though this gives me less time for work) but I'm really worried that if it all goes wrong that he might claim to have them full time etc. That thought really does terrify me.

In theory yes, it sounds as though separating could reduce your stress, but only if your relationship is at the point of absolute no return.

I've been seperated 2 years ago and although the stress within the marraige is gone, and I in charge of my own life now, there are different things to worry about - finances, the responsibility of being a single parent, emotional turmoil (I am still processing things in my head even now), the difficulties of shared custody, having to leave your kids in the care of your ex and having no control over what happens when they are there....

My kids are a similar age to yours. It's hard not having someone around to help for days at a time.

I don't want to be totally negative, (I'm happier now than I was married!) but these are all things I hadn't considered when I ended my marraige, all I could think about were stopping the hurt and pain I was going through at the time, I had no idea about what I'd be facing afterwards!

Separating was the right thing for our family as the relationship was becoming destructive, but if I'm being perfectly honest, life is tough now but for different reasons. I can't imagine a day when I won't be worrying about money for instance.

Why not seek some legal advice on the practical issues and prepare yourself for some of the possibilities?

In theory yes, it sounds as though separating could reduce your stress, but only if your relationship is at the point of absolute no return.

I've been seperated for just over 2 years and although the stress within the marraige is gone, and I in charge of my own life now, there are different things to worry about - finances, the responsibility of being a single parent, emotional turmoil (I am still processing things in my head even now), the difficulties of shared custody, having to leave my kids in the care of my ex and having no control over what happens when they are there....

My kids are a similar age to yours and on a practical level it's hard not having someone around to help for days at a time.

I don't want to be totally negative, (I'm happier now than I was married and the kids are absolutely fine!) but these are all points I hadn't considered when I ended my marraige, all I could think about at the time were stopping the hurt and pain I was going through, I had no idea about what I'd be facing afterwards!

Separating was the right thing for our family as the relationship was becoming destructive, but if I'm being perfectly honest, life is tough now but for different reasons. I can't imagine a day when I won't be worrying about money for instance.

Why not seek some legal advice on the practical issues and prepare yourself for some of the possibilities?

oh bugger sorry about the double post

You won't lose all access to your kids if you're working. That's a load of old rubbish. A free 15 mins in a solicitor will confirm that. Mothers have to be dangerous/insane/both to lose their kids. My x threatened to take the kids off me and I just laughed in his face. If a man has kids full time he doesn't get time to go down't pub, or see his mates, or get a good job - what about when they're ill? I genuinely believe he won't want that.

Think: stand up, stand with legs apart. Between your legs, there is a line - this expresses the division between in the relationship and out of it. Move from one side to the other and decide which makes you feel better. It's an interesting exercise and one that marriage councillors use (I know, done that, have the T-shirt).

Will he move out if you ask him to? Trial separation?

Would you be happier without him?

Would he agree to a divorce if you asked him for one?

You can get the amt of time he spends with the kids cast in stone during the divorce.

Biggest thing is GET A MEDIATOR if you do decide to divorce. They will make you both see sense and work things best for the CHILDREN! You need a 3rd party who knows how things work. I had legal aid for mine and so did my £25K a year ex (how???) so you shouldn't have to pay for one. Otherwise the court may end up deciding and it may not be the result you wish for. It'll soon be a legal requirement anyway. Mine got me what the CSA would have demanded from him without me having to wait for the CSA to catch up with him and never getting the backpay, for a start.

Good luck with making the right decision! I do think, though, that there may be merit in telling him you're fed up and asking for him to rethink your relationship because if things don't improve, you're off. That way, you're in a win/win situation. Either way, you get what you want in the end.

jesus it's not even a double post - cringe!!

Thank you both, I'm really grateful.

MrsShapely - you're right of course, there will be new things and I can relate to the emotional turmoil - he's a nice man, part of me does feel stupid for doing this but I have tried everything I can think of. We're in the middle of Relate and while I can understand our issues more clearly now (why I am driven and he is so relaxed) I don't see how we can resolve this. I guess I just feel happier looking after the kids on my own, I know it will be tough but it's easier in a way than trying to continue to juggle work and home - I have this fantasy that I can do all the admin/shopping/prep when they're not there and enjoy them when they are with me, deluded I know

Ecohappy - I think getting the mediator must be the best practical advice I could get. I was trying to think who the right person would be earlier today. I'm very happy to be generous where I can as long as the 50:50 aspect is written down in stone. That's one reason for doing this really. If I end up in a gutter with stress I won't be any good to the kids or see them clearly at all.

Thanks so much. My posting is very technically inept so glitches make me feel comfortable!