Misery - Sorry, another long one.

[KDogg]

Hi all,

I'm seriously starting to worry about my relationship with my wife. Before we had our son 16 months ago, we used to have serious discussions but we never argued. I guess we liked to think we were more mature than that....

Anyway, we really struggled with the first 6 months of parenthood. I felt like I'd made a huge mistake even after being 100% certain I was looking forward to having kids throughout my life, the reality didn't match my expectations (God only knows what I was expecting though!) and although slightly different I think my wife felt the same and we both felt like we'd bitten off more than we could chew.

10 months down the line we both absolutely adore him and every day watching him learn to do something new and performing any acts from his repertoire of cuteness has finally brought about a previously unknown feeling of joy, alas something in the background is seriously souring the whole thing.

I should first point out that I come from a severely broken home. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my younger brother was 3, and they proceeded to drag each other and me and my brother through court hurling accusations at each other. My mother was a "slut" and my dad was a "wifebeater" and to this day, the pair of them seem completely oblivious to the repurcussions it's had on my and my brother and if I choose to say something when one of them is whining on about the other I just get "You don't understand, we protected you from everything that was going on....".
I'm about to turn 30, and every time I visit my dad, I would put my house on the fact that within half an hour the conversation will turn to him moaning about my mother and what she did to him, blah blah...

In light of this, I have always sworn to myself that I would never ever impose something like that on my kids when I have them as I genuinely think although I lead a decent life, I haven't escaped completely unscarred.

My wife however comes from a very solid family, something of which I was openly envious of when I first met her and said often how lucky she is to have that behind her, as opposed to me being the only adult in my family.

I don't claim to be perfect however, and have a moderately serious spending addiction and I have been in debt pretty much constantly since I turned 16. Asides from our mortgage, this isn't a significantly serious case and my debt is currently at it's highest with me owing about £3,000 on loans and credit cards. I only earn about £200 over my monthly outgoings so don't have a lot of money to play with and I seem completely unable to cope with that. I've also had a bad few years since meeting my wife and after leaving a good job where I was well respected on the promise of better prospects, I have been sacked twice and made redundant twice.

My wife on the other hand is 6 years older than me and earns twice as much as me and has always supported me by helping me reduce my spending and debt only for me to fall off the wagon and do something silly to get back into debt. She pays a larger portion of our outgoings, but she makes sure I pay my fair share.

As for our sex life, I have a fairly high libido, whereas I'm not sure she knows the meaning of the word. I've always felt that I didn't really mind because I love her so much and figured the love between us far outweighed the need for sexual gratification so was happy with what we had.

As she fell pregnant, our sex life deteriorated even further even though I didn't think it could, and we had sex once during the pregnancy (we did try a second time but it was so uncomfortable it was a passionkiller), we've had sex once since our son was born which seemed to be so uncomfortable for my wife that we stopped. I tried to ask her what was wrong but she just said nothing and wouldn't really engage in any conversation about it, and that is the way we left it.

We've had several big arguments recently about nothing significant. During one of the arguments she lashed out and slapped me which just blew me away. I would never so much as raise a hand to her, especially considering the background I come from. Afterwards she was very apologetic and we talked about it and left it at that.
A few weeks back, our son was having a vomiting spree and threw up all over his bedroom floor, so my wife picked him up and took him into our bedroom where he continued to throw up all over our brand new and expensive carpet. She started screaming at me to get something to clean it up with while I was trying to shout over her and tell her to get out of the bedrooms and into the bathroom where it can simply be mopped up. Again, she lashed out and went to slap me, but held herself back. As she walked past me, I (stupidly) warned her firmly that if she ever hit me again I wouldn't stop myself from reciprocating.

I'm not a violent person. Quite the opposite. I spent quite a lot of time as a teenager hanging around with crusties and generally loathe violence, but everyone has a fuse.

Since the second epidsode, I just feel like our relationship has plummeted. My current job is stressful but going well and I genuinely feel like I prefer being at work than I do at home.

I feel like I'm living with my mother.
She checks my receipts whenever she finds them to see what I've been "wasting" my money on even though 9 times out of 10 it's just groceries I've picked up on my way home.

She constantly comments on how much food I cook or how long it takes me to cook, or if I do anything remotely carelessly or forget about anything regardless how minor it is, she makes a big deal about it.

She now also thinks I'm having an affair. I didn't help matters by flirting with a girl from work, even though I made it clear to my wife what I was doing and why. At our work christmas party this girl came to give me a kiss on the cheek as I was getting on the full coach to go home and she genuinely lost balance and missed and just gave me a peck on the lips. Not expecting it I raised an eyebrow at her and made a harmless joke about it. I told my wife the next day in the same joking context and said I was going to wind her up about it. Anyway, the result was that I took it too far and my wife found a message on the internet that I sent which I admit was slightly over the line and I shouldn't have taken it that far. That remains the end of it. I apologised to my wife about it and tried to assure her it was a joke and I accept she doesn't think it's funny and in retrospect I don't think it's very funny, but there you go, what can I do.

On valentines day my youngest brother (my mother went on to have another child with a different husband) who is 8 wanted to get a card for my mother so I got him one. nevertheless my wife found the receipt and flew off the handle asking who I'd bought a second card for. I explained but I don't think she believed me, but now I'm getting angry because she keeps checking on me and treating me like a 12 year old.

We argued the other day because we're having a new kitchen installed soon and she's annoyed that I have made little to no effort to put any input in to the decisions about it and she feels like she's doing all the work. I tried to explain to her that I don't feel it's my place to make any decisions because she's using her savings to pay for everything and as usual, I have nothing financially to contribute so why should I get any say in what goes in.

I just don't know what to do. I'm sick of being pushed around and bossed around by her, but at the same time I feel like I deserve it because of my carelessness and insolvency, but added to that, because she's not remotely interested in sex with me I feel like I'm completely undesireable and unwanted and just a pain in the arse to the point where I think my negetivity to the situation is born from me being a spoilt brat who's just stamping their feet about not getting their own way.

I'm at the point where I'm so unhappy I've thought about divorce, but I'm not sure I could bring myself to do that to my son. On a daily basis, I just feel like I don't even like my wife anymore let alone love her although on the odd day I'll get a little pang of love for her, but not in comparison to how I normally feel now.

I thought relationships were supposed to be about mutual respect and balance, but how can we possibly have that when I can't contribute what she does?

I'm at a complete loss.

SpringchickenGoldBrass

Erm...don't ever join the Samaritans, will you?

I think you are getting a rough ride here Kdogg. You seem genuine in that you're owning up to your mistakes and looking for a solution as to how to make things better.

MN is probably not the right place to look for advice on this - I would also suggest relate as lubey has said.

What SolidGold has done is to get to the nub of things: to cut through the bullshit.

It is the same thing a marriage counsellor would do (but take slightly longer)

What people here have pointed out very well is that KDogg is living life in

a type of "teenage angst rebellion" as opposed to "grown up responsible adult".

It is not very attractive in men*

*see also adult Pampered Princess syndrome

What i read here is "me me me me" "i i i i i"

You have fallen into the role of "child" in this relationship. That is not to say you are being immature, this happens alot, and its usually dynamic. I fluctuate between "child" and "poor little princess" and "critical parent" in my relationship with DP. Your DW is critical parent just now.

You both need to stop this, and be adults, just adults.

Your wife lashing out at you tells me she is struggling too - have you both sat down and acknowledged the fact that you are finding life difficult just now?

The sex is important, have you challenged her about it? Do you have lots of cuddles anyway - i find i get very agitated and insecure if i don't have sex with my DP for a while, intimacy is vital.

As for your job, it sounds like you haven't found what you really want to do yet. If you are truculent at work you are not going to be "liked" and be the first in line when the cuts come in.

I'm not going to say "get a grip" or "grow a pair" but i think you know that you need to look to yourself to make changes. You are excusing left right and centre and bringing work stuff into the relationship issue - its your way of criticising yourself.

I think your wife would love to be taken out to lunch today you know :)

It's never acceptable for anyone to hit anyone else- although you don't specify what led up to this other than that you were arguing. You might well need professional help to resolve these issues between you, and you might also want to consider whether you need to address the issue of your own childhood with a counsellor.

I have to say (although I wouldn't hit) that I'd be pretty angry if my child was vomiting and instead of helping, you were standing there shouting at me. Almost any other action from you would have been more helpful- getting towels, offering to take your son into the bathroom- but shouting about the carpet is to rather miss the point.

When your husband kisses another girl on the lips, boasts about it in a bid to wind you up, and sends inappropriate messages, the conclusion that he's having an affair is an easy one to come to. Even if you are not having an affair, you are being pretty damn disrespectful of your wife.

You don't like being bossed around- fair enough, not many people do. I bet your wife is pretty fed up of being the one who has to take responsibility al the time, I bet she would much rather be in a partnership with somebody that she can rely on. Your money is "to play with", you "do something silly" with money and have to be bailed out- how old are you? You have a child now, start taking some responsibility for yourself, or stop complaining when your wife does it for you. And it is family money, so if you do get into debt it's your son that misses out on something while the family budget pays it back. Why do you need to keep getting groceries on the way home from work- can you not do a family shop once a week, or get a delivery? The problem with shopping every day is that unnecessary things like beer and crisps and magazines often get bought too; these costs add up, and it sounds as though your wife is already worried about money.

I suspect that the issue of sex is linked with the other issues. Many women just don't want sex with somebody who has spent the day winding them up about other women they've kissed and sent messages to; women don't want sex with somebody that they cannot even trust to stay solvent when there is a baby to consider; many women don't want sex with somebody who whines about how hard done to they are. If you want your sex life to improve, start treating your wife as an attractive woman, as a partner, as somebody you can offer support to and work in a team with, as somebody you respect.

KDogg, I too think you're getting a harsh reading from some posters. No one is perfect and having a baby is a HUGE shock. Hopefully I can give you some appreciation from your wife's perspecive. I am the main breadwinner in our family, I was DH's first real relationship and I am 7 years older than him. It is VERY easy to slip into a parental role when you are the older partner and this is your wife's mistake as much as yours and something you both should accept responsibility for. It's a situation thats OK for a while, probably allowed your wife to feel in control. But as you're finding, it's too much to sustain long term and the cracks start to show. I imagine she is feeling trapped and resentful herself, thats normal I think, having a baby requires a massive adjustment and is stressful enough if your marriage is strong let alone if there are issues there. She now needs to focus all her maternal instincts on your baby and needs something different from you, she needs you to be her equal and her support. Boasting about flirting with girls at work to a woman who has just had a baby was simply cruel and there's no excuse. I would have been devastated by that, utterly devastated. You have alot of ground to make up there and trust to regain.

In practical terms several things need to happen.

1. You need to find each other again as people, for this you need time alone with each other and together as a family. Recruit friends and family to babysit and, as an idea, start 'dating' again.
2. You all need time to adjust to your new roles and you need to support (I mean really support and understand) each other as you're doing that.
3. You also need to change the way you run your finances. I would recommend you consider a joint account to cover all household expenses that you both pay a proportion of your income into, anything left over of yours goes towards paying off your debt, paying into a savings plan (isa or such like) and the remainder (if any) is your own spending money to do with as you wish without having to justify it to anyone. You might also both find it useful to set aside time each week to go through finances, whats been spent that week, bills coming up etc.

I would also strongly recommend some professional counseling (relationship and perhaps also for your spending addiction). For yourself initially if your wife isn't keen. You need to be proactive now and take the lead in mending your marriage. You've taken a massive step just by posting on here, well done. Good luck.