not a fan of DH on business trips...

[loublover]

Hi ladies,

Would appreciate some words of wisdom... DH has gone on 3 day work trip (a flight away and I am going to be completely honest and say I'm just not a fan of them!

I am completely paranoid about the typical 'shag (or some other not ok behaviour) while away on business'... I think this comes from a few things;

One being that DH will always be with the crowd that get back to their room at 4am, whether they have meetings at 8 am or whatever. I can guarantee he will always play down this element of the trip before he goes, and will say he won't be out late and will call me etc, but I should have learnt after 8 yrs that he will always be out on the town til the wee hours, and will possibly call me v drunk at 4am. I know I should just turn off my phone and forget about what he's doing, but just can't and can always get to sleep once he phones and says he is in his room and going to sleep.

Also, DH does have a 'flirty' personality, he sat me down 18months ago to say how 'he does find other people attractive'(no one person in particular)... I like to think he was just having a meltdown before we emigrated to Aus, and was stressing about the finality of our actions... but my good old cynacism definitely picks up on this.

Finally, DH has only ever slept with me, and as this is not the case for me, I know he finds this v difficult (what with our society usually pushing for the reverse, and the classic 'getting it all out of your system' before you settle. etc) and I guess some part of me thinks it is only a matter of when for him to get a bit drunk and change this fact he hates so much.

So... queue arguments, tension, tears when he goes away. I know I am being nuts, but genuinally do get worried (should also mention I'm 20weeks pg and def feeling more vulnerable being 'left' at home)

So any words of wisdom gratefully received, how do you ladies cope/feel when DH goes away?

I feel absolutely fine about DH being away, but then I trust him.

Obviously I would prefer him to be at home with me and DS, and he would prefer to be at home too - but there we are.

You need to get over this, and either trust him or not. You will drive yourself mad and ruin your marriage if you are going to get in a state every time he goes away.

I like dh going away on business as it's never at weekends but we've been together for 12 years now.

I use the evenings to do what I can't when dh is at home- watch girly tv, be on the laptop all night and scoff food that I like.

I love the fact that I don't have to deal with him when he's drunk too (my phone is on mute overnight so at worst I'll read drunken texts the next morning.) The fact that he goes out while on business means that he rarely goes out when he's back in the UK which is another bonus.

For my dh, going on business is good for his career. He gets to meet the people who work at Head Office and how Head Office operates.

If your partner wants to cheat, he'll do it whether he spends 20 hours or 20 minutes a day with you. He could easily cheat in the UK if he wanted to so I think you have to work out how to get over this fear.

I knew someone who used to do things like rip up her dh's passport so he couldn't go on trips overseas. Although there's no way to prove this, I think that her clinginess made him become a serial cheat. (He never cheated before he was married )

Sounds to me you don't trust your DH so without trust your relationship is doomed.

I regularly go away on business and my OH trusts me completely. Before we met, I was a bit of a player too and she knew it so its not like i was a monk or anything.

If its any consolation, most business trips are boring as fuck. Yes you have to go out with colleagues and sometimes its late. But usually you end up talking about work as thats the only thing you have in common.

The chances of him copping off with some foreign lady is extremely low because:

a) He'll be drunk
b) Foreign ladies are usually very wary of drunken brits (unless he's going to Thailand or Phillipines which which case you need to worry about prostitutes)
c) It's really not the done thing to cop off with a woman, take her back to your room and shag her in front of a customer/boss when they probably know he is married.

My DH works away all week every week, and that's fine because I trust him. Your problem isn't that you don't. And yes, if he's going to play away, he'll do it whether he's in Dagenham or Dubai. He'll find an opportunity.

I think you're putting 2 + 2 together and coming up with 650, and that's probably your hormones talking. The bottom line is that he's in a committed relationship and unless there's stuff you're not telling us then you should accept that without looking for a subtext.

Trust has to be based on honesty and so far he's not showing much of this when it comes to his trips. He tells you he won't be out late but then stays out till all hours. He tells you he will call and then either doesn't or will do so at 4am.

I think he needs to do what he says he will. Nothing wrong with going out etc but lying about it is only going to be chipping away at your trust in him.

If he's going to phone, can you arrange a mutually convenient time for this? Calling your pregnant wife at 4am is pretty crap behaviour, drunk or not.

I often have to go away with work for a couple of nights.

I do end up going out with work colleagues for meals/drinks etc but tbh most of it is pretty boring.

Even when we're out, they're work colleagues, not real friends I'd choose to spend time with, so even if I have been out and it sounds like a jolly it's generally because it's easier than saying 'actually I'd rather sit in my hotel room and order room service' because then everyone thinks you're a miserable unsociable bugger

If you trust your DH I wouldn't worry yourself about anything happening, tbh if he was going to do anything, he would anyway, not just because he was away with work? So if you trust him at home, trust him when he's away as well

Ok lets just go with the hormones and being pregnant and assume thats a big factor in your reaction to this...

If not then you really need to sort this out for the sake of your relationship
i) agree with NiceGuy - business trips are very boring. Both my DH and I use to do them all the time - frankly before DS came along I did wonder if we'd ever be in the same town long enough to make it happen. You get up at ungodly hours to catch a plane, make small talk for 3 days to people you normally only have to deal with for 1 hour tops, drink and stay out when you'd rather have room service because its "expected" ... I could go on but trust me its a rare person who enjoys this stuff
ii) I'm "flirty" and find other people attractive this does not under any circumstances mean I'd do something about it . But if you think your DH has a serious issue with your past then you need to clear the air and deal with it - resentment and jealousy can very easily destroy a relationship. So regardless of business trips - you must deal with this sooner or later.

A couple of questions though - are you only jealous when he travels or is there actually a bigger issue of insecurity/jealousy at other times? Is part of this a bigger issue on you feeling a bit lost after moving abroad - do you have enough support through the pregnancy? I also live abroad and I know that at times it can make you feel over emotional about things that wouldn't bother you "back home"

And finally on the coping mechanisms for business trips - treat it as "me time"... and this especially applies after the baby is born. Turn the phone off - or even better tell him not to ring unless there is blood and preferably only his own. Have a bath, early night, spread out over the whole bed and even co-sleep with the kids if thats your thing. Personally I have a couple of G&T's watch dreadful TV and read gossipy magazines - its sort of my version of a tacky night in!

My DH goes away quite a lot on business trips. I enjoy him being away because I can get some early nights or a long bath with a magazine or watch some crappy TV (I'm also pregnant BTW) and he can have some lads' nights out without worrying about waking up the household when he gets home or having to tell me what time he's coming home.

I used to travel a lot with work as well, so know what it can be like (mostly long hours, not enough sleep and boring). I had some male colleagues who would go to strip bars and so on. I know DH does this from time to time because we have an honest relationship and he tells me. I went ballistic the first time he told me this, but then realised that many of my friends don't get told this kind of stuff by their OH's (DH sometimes says "don't tell so-and-so's missus we went there") and DH usually has a laugh telling me about the bored-looking women who work there.

I think the fact that he calls you when drunk is a good sign. I love the drunken "I love you"s. It shows he's thinking about you.

My rule is never to send off DH on a trip without a good shag the night before. Gives him something to remember me by.