Could DP be abusing his daughter?

[NameMe]

Ok I'm going to lay it all on the line here. I'm leaving my DP in two weeks time and since this became official, the cloud in my head is starting to clear and I'm becomming concerned with what is emmerging. That is, signs that he perhaps has or is abusing his DD.

Please just bare with me because my head is like spaghetti. I'll try and be brief and concise. His daughter is 13 and has continuously wet the bed, apparantly right from when she was potty trained, she has never been completely "dry". She has had numerous hospital appointments but they can never find anything wrong, they just say she'll grow out of it but this shows no sign of happening. More disturbing is the fact that when she sleeps out, it NEVER happens. She wets the bed here almost every night yet last year she went on a week long residential trip and never wet the bed once. When she stays at friend's houses she never wets the bed. When she has friends over it never happens either. I should've been suspitious about this to start with BUT the problem was he was never alone with her. There was never really any time when he could be doing something to her because I would've heard or seen SOMETHING. But I never did. I would never normally accuse anyone of this but something is not right and I've been thinking this for a while now but I've not done anything because I honestly cannot see HOW he would manage it iyswim? I'm always around. But I would be lying if I said I didnt have any concerns about him at all. He is a strange person, lies about the most stupid things, constantly acting secretive and odd. I found porn on his computer last year, some of it was quite "young" barely legal stuff. I pulled him up on it. The "young" stuff he reckoned just popped up with the other pages.
I don't know what to beleive because SHE acts wierd too. When she walks past him she strokes his head etc, it almost seems a bit too intimate or maybe I'm being paranoid? She's constantly asking him for hugs and asking him to "go and see her" in her bedroom and when he does, they shut the bedroom door now I'm not for one minute suggesting she is instigating anything but I know she craves attention and I'm concerned that she perhaps see's ANY attention from her dad as being positive? He almost seems scared of her too, like she has some kind of a hold on him. For instance she has a rabit which is NOT looked after and the poor thing is neglected. We decided we would rehome it. She kicked off. Later that night he was in her room, door closed etc etc and when he came back down he'd TOTALLY changed his mind of rehoming the rabbit. Now I know this could be innocent whinging playing a part but something is telling me I've been a fool and something is wrong.
As I say I'm leaving so I wanted to put this out now to you and get "feedback" on whether I am being paranoid/dillusional etc. I was abused as a child so maybe this is clouding my judgement?
I can't help thinking even if he ISN'T doing anything now because I'm here, was he when it was just the two of them? is that why he's looking forward to me moving out? I'm really hoping you all come on now and tell me I'm talking shite and being paranoid.

what are all the box room comments??

VS - OP had great difficulty to accept that her relationship was going down the pan and kept posting under different usernames. She used to post in AIBU and get scared off by harsh replies. Wasn't sleeping with DH, hence in boxroom (I had to ask, too.)

IMO she's doing a great job of working her way to more clarity & common sense :)

ah.........

thanks.

No, the boxroom part comes from the fact that when she was considering moving in with him, her 2 children were expected to move into the boxroom while the SD remained in the larger room. Not that it matters.

GORGEOUSX - why shouldn't he be closing the bedroom door? Is a father and daughter never allowed to be in a room alone? Madness, absolute nonsense.

boolifooli Of course they can be alone, but why do they need that level of privacy? Why does he close the door, if he doesn't need privacy?

It just struck me as odd. The only reason I can think of for a father to go and see his daughter in her room, and close the door, is if they are planning a surprise for another family member.

Thanks, all! Sorry for errors - I just passed on what I (thought I'd) been told. Anyway, poor boxy was being treated very badly but didn't have enough self-confidence to walk away. H does sound ... a trifle odd. Concern would be reasonable.

I really don't mean to be nasty or put you off posting for support and advice, OP, but I also remember your posts. You have talked about all of this before - the bedwetting, the neglect, you leaving your partner.

Yet you are still there. This young girl still sounds very troubled. The relationship - from what you describe - between father and daughter sounds disturbing.

What are you going to do about this? Honestly? NOW?

Maybe the reason that the door gets closed is simply because the daughter wants to have a private conversation, and the Op has a habit of hovering around trying to listen in.

I am not having a go at the Op for that, just trying to look at it from a teenagers perspective.

But op and the dad are not a couple. She is not part of the family. Plus she rooted through his pc, if I was the dad I would be drawing more clear lines and having privacy when talking with my dc, possibly about the break up would be one of them. As I said before, if the ops ex was the mum this would be a non event. What alarms me is the subtle underlying belief that a man left with a girl will want to sexually abuse her.

If you have any concerns at all about a child, whoever you are or they are, you have a duty to report it someone with the experience and training to investigate it.

Are you perhaps going over this so much and feeling paralysed to ac because of issues from your own past? It seems clear from all your previous threads that abuse is indeed taking place, and that you need to pull your head out of the sand right now, report the situation to social services, get the fuck out and get some therapy.

Re: closing the door (in general)

Not odd at all, should I ask DH to leave door open when he puts dd to bed? a)it keeps the heat in b)it keeps the cat out c)the light from the hallway doesn't ruin the nightlight effect, there are a number of reasons to close the door.

In the context of the OP then yes, perhaps this adds to the suspicion....

OP - report your thoughts to someone in authority who can help, they will be more aware of the signs and be able to rule out any untoward behaviour.

Re. the door closing, I think that's normal in a situation when the other adult is a step-parent. Sometimes DP and his DS (my DSS) will be having a chat about "stuff", whether it's lads' talk or perhaps a discussion about his mum, and will do it in the privacy of his room with the door shut. That's fine with me and I think it's a healthy thing to maintain. We all get on very well.

A dad seeking privacy with his daughter doesn't indicate sexual abuse.

Of course, I don't know the full story in the OP's case though.

I am not suggesting for one moment that a father and daughter, mother and son cannot be alone in a room together!

I am also not suggesting that if a parent closes the door when visiting their child that they are abusing them!!!

For goodness sake, I would have thought it perfectly obvious that I am posting in reply to the OP's situation and it definitely struck me as odd.

However, not being part of a step-family I hadn't thought about the issues which come as a part of that and now that people have explained how step-families would work like that I can perfectly understand it.

In this particular instance, because of everything the OP has said alarm bells are ringing with me.

SIMPLES!

You know what you need to do Boxy.

You are playing this game,

Why Don't You/Yes ButThe first such game theorized was Why don't you/Yes, but in which one player (White) would pose a problem as if seeking help, and the other player(s) (Black) would offer solutions (the "Why don't you?" suggestion). This game was noticed as many patients played it in therapy and psychiatry sessions, and inspired Berne to identify other interpersonal "games".

White would point out a flaw in every Black player's solution (the "Yes, but" response), until they all gave up in frustration. For example, if someone's life script was "to be hurt many times, and suffer and make others feel bad when I die" a game of "Why Don't You, Yes But" might proceed as follows:

White: I wish I could lose some weight.
Black: Why don't you join a gym?
White: Yes but, I can't afford the payments for a gym.
Black: Why don't you speed walk around your block after you get home from work?
White: Yes but, I don't dare walk alone in my neighborhood after dark.
Black: Why don't you take the stairs at work instead of the elevator?
White: Yes but, after my knee surgery, it hurts too much to walk that many flights of stairs.
Black: Why don't you change your diet?
White: Yes but, my stomach is sensitive and I can tolerate only certain foods.
"Why Don't You, Yes But" can proceed indefinitely, with any number of players in the Black role, until Black's imagination is exhausted, and she can think of no other solutions. At this point, White "wins" by having stumped Black. After a silent pause following Black's final suggestion, the game is often brought to a formal end by a third role, Green, who makes a comment such as, "It just goes to show how difficult it is to lose weight."

The secondary gain for White was that he could claim to have justified his problem as insoluble and thus avoid the hard work of internal change; and for Black, to either feel the frustrated martyr ("I was only trying to help") or a superior being, disrespected ("the patient was uncooperative").

Superficially, this game can resemble Adult to Adult interaction (people seeking information or advice), but more often, according to Berne, the game is played by White's helpless Child, and Black's lecturing Parent ego states.

taken from this link

The bed wetting thing wouldnt alert me in any way because i know of least one child who is still bed wetting at 15 and no she doesnt wet at sleepovers or if friends stay at hers ,this is because she doesnt sleep as soundly in these situations . She wets because she goes into a very deep sleep , she has also had various tests . Her father doesnt live with her and hasnt for many years .

Ooh, nobody

Bedwetting into the teens is far more common than people think . The going into her bedroom thing sounds like she knows you are 'bad cop' and if she gets 'good cop' on his own she may be able to get round him without you interfering ?

I think posters who don't know the back story here should be careful.

The OP has posted over a considerable period of time about this situation. It sounds quite dysfunctional, and the girl in question sounds very unhappy.

It could be 'abuse' but it could also be that she's trying to keep you away from her Dad, being territorial and possessive. Who changes her bed? If it's you, does her father ever change her sheets? It sounds to me like she's competing with you. You're now leaving and it will no longer be an issue for you, but it sounds more like this than abuse to me.

Lots of girls do 'touching that's not really appropriate', but the question is, does HE do touching like that?

If you want to get advice, it's a good idea to keep your anonymity; professionals can guide you as they will have a good idea of the answer and at least you will have done someting if you feel the need to do that.

nobody i have those conversations with myself all the time , what does that mean

Boxroom came on and apologised for the multiple postings some time ago and confirmed she was previously MrsSnape iirc.

LOL! It means you've spent too long on here.