Meeting ex tomorrow to sort out finances - yikes

[OhWesternWind]

As the title says . I am feeling sick to my stomach about all this. The first reason is that I'm really worried that he will not come to a reasonable agreement and obviously this will have a huge effect on my and the children's lives.

The second reason is that I really really don't want to even see the lying selfish so and so let alone have to sit down with him and be polite and reasonable. I have not had a chance, as he left very suddenly, to let him know how I feel and how I feel about what he has done to the children and I am worried it will all come out tomorrow when I need to be calm and controlled.

Any tips? I feel like running away but I know this has to be done so we can move on.

I remember this feeling really, really well.

two things stick out as things that wetre important:

1. I kept taking very deep breaths to not lose my temper. My mantra was 'sort this out now or he'll have to come back another day' That helped really focus my mind.

1. Arrange to meet a friends afterwards at a time when it should have all been sorted. This gives you both a reasonable time limit and also someone to vent all the pent up bile you couldn't release at him when he styarts with the bullshit.

It feels great when its all finally done, good luck!

Write down what you want to say before you go and have it as a prompt if you start losing it. And justify what you want - I need X amount because of Y&Z costing this amount, etc. Can you bring someone with you?

I think you need to separate the issues here.

Firstly your need for discussion of finances can't be spoiled by your other, very natural need to express your opinion and your anger about what he has done.

So, stick to the financial side of it tomorrow. But you need a way to talk about the other stuff.

I would suggest not mentioning any of it. If he tries to justify, explain or ask anything then refuse to engage - say you will not speak to him about that, because this meeting is about the money.

Once the money is sorted you can then find a way to sort out the other side of it - either with him, or with a counsellor by yourself.

Can you maybe write down exactly how you want the money to be organised? That way you will feel like you have an agenda to stick to, take it with you, refuse to deviate from the subject. That should help you feel more in control, because he will be expecting you to become emotional and raise the other issues, and you're not going to allow him an inch of that.

Good luck, if you know you will have the chance to talk about the other stuff later (with counsellor or with him, it doesnt matter) then you can maybe keep it all separate a bit easier.

So basically, detach.

Tomorrow is to talk about the finances.

Everything else WILL have its place to be aired and discussed and if necessary, fought or argued over, but not tomorrow. that can be done later.

Does that make sense? And don't let emotion in at all - even if it's just 'well that IS fair because you have hurt the children so the least you can do is pay for such and such' type things. Keep it strictly practical and realistic and don't mention anyone's feelings.

That seems spot on to me Ingrid.

leave some of the battles you want to have well alone and focus entirely on the finances. You have an objective to achieve.

Do you know what you want? And what you're prepared to compromise on? I went to that meeting with a really comprehensive list - expenses backed up by bills and statements, quotes for insurance based on me being single, pay slips etc. It made that particular stage less painful...there was a fair amount of yelling when it came to dividing up assets but the first stage was ok.

Also, make sure you have room to compromise - no point having nothing to concede.

And yes, keep to the subject in hand. Not the time to discuss other stuff.

Is this the first discussion you've had? Remember you don't have to sort everything out straight away- you can agree on a short term plan while you sort out things in the longer term.

Good luck

Thanks everyone! I do need to get my stiff upper lip out of the box and polished up for tomorrow. Trouble is I am feeling a bit emotional anyway as life has been very hard this last month so I am worried I will just start crying or something despite my best intentions. Suppose I will just have to rush for the loo!

I have e-mailed him an agenda of the main three things I want to discuss (all of which are financial) and I've got mortgage redemption statements, valuations and other paperwork. It is a good idea to write things down and I'll sort that out before I go.

I don't actually intend to talk to him about my/the children's feeling about all this. I really really want nothing or as little to do with him as possible, and I'm making arrangements to see a counsellor through work which I think might help. I don't want him to have more power over or insight into my family by showing him our emotions, if that makes any sense. I just want us to be separate.

I have tried to talk to him about finances before but he wouldn't and so far he has not contributed anything since he left, so I have found it very difficult the last few weeks and I do feel angry about him just leaving me and the children to struggle.

I want to get things sorted out tomorrow as much as possible so that I don't have to go through it all again, but the point about just getting a short-term plan sorted is a good one. I think if we have to have round two I might ask someone to come along if we can agree on someone as that might make it easier.

I am just so worried about all this! It is really stupid as I have been in worse situations and had to have more difficult conversations but this just seems like too much at the moment.

Thanks again for your help.

Just remind him that sorting things out between you comes out a lot cheaper than involving solicitors. Can you afford a mediator? I think they're quite expensive depending on your income (free if you're entitled to legal aid last time I checked), but hopefully just one or two sessions would be enough. That's if tomorrow doesn't provide a sensible resolution, of course. If in doubt, don't sign anything until you've taken some advice. Your children's future shouldn't be settled on the basis of who can shout the loudest!

You are doing great. Good on you, you're doing all the right things.

I know it seems too much atm. One tiny step at a time...baby steps...take it as slowly as possible, but once you have a short term solution to the money, you can let that go a bit and focus on other things.

It'll be worth it I think. Will be thinking of you x

keep reminding him that you are doing this for his children.