Hi,
This is a long story so I'll try to be concise. My brother and sister-in-law have a two-year old daughter and another babe on the way within the next few weeks. The relationship between my mum and SIL has always been strained. They have been together since their early teens (now mid 20s) and moved in together in their mid to late teens. According to them mum confronted them in a shop (random I know) and basically accused SIL of taking away her boy. I'd like to point out at this point that mum is Filipino and doesn't always get across what she means to say very well. She also has a tendency to say the wrong thing a LOT of the time and then wonder why she's upset someone.
Fast forward a few years and bro and SIL are married. Then, inevitably, fall pregnant and have my parent's first grandchild. SIL is naturally a very private and independant person, she's not at all cuddly but is pretty down-to-earth but has a temper and seems to be very stubborn at times (from what I've experienced). There were the usual gripes that come with a new baby/grandchild, between the MIL and my SIL. Typical like, the loaded question of whether SIL was STILL breastfeeding her after so long, perceived criticism over certain aspects of their parenting skills etc, etc. Now I can quite believe that things were said but I'm very certain none of them were meant to harm. Trouble is, my niece is now two and a half and the relationship between them has become so difficult, I'm not sure it's going to last much longer. SIL has told me that her relationship with my mum is dead (her words) and that nothing would salvage it now. My parents are saying that SIL is the reason that they don't get to see or interact with their grandaughter as much as they'd like (there have been gaps of well over a month and they live 10mins down the road, but then the other will say there have been periods of regular visits too). Now mum is so terrified that she will upset SIL, she behaves stiffly around her and is too scared to interact with grandaughter for fear of upsetting SIL. More often than not, she returns home crying because grandaughter has shied away from her when she went in for a cuddle or because of something SIL has said or done. On the other hand, SIL and bro say that its because of this that they are so annoyed. That its becoming ridiculous that she's upset about something almost every time she visits. To make things worse, my bro and parents all work closely together. This makes bro reluctant to see them socially because he sees them all day. AND my dad is making things worse by telling anyone and everyone at work who'll listen, how abnormal and socially inept SIL is because she doesn't conform to what he views as normal! Of course, this then gets back to bro, who then goes home and tells SIL. It's truly breaking my heart.
The latest thing is that dad casually asked bro what they were going to do with grandaughter when SIL goes into labour and bro says that SIL's parents volunteered months before so they're doing it, and that a friend from up the road was on standby just in case, so thanks for offering but they're alright. Of course this upsets parents as they see that as them preferring a friend over grandparents to do the babysitting. Trouble is, granddaughter is two and a half and my parents have NEVER spent ANY time alone with her. They've never babysat and certainly never had her overnight. Bro and SIL also go over to her parents more (not much more, but more) than they see my parents so that is also being counted by my parents as a shun. Anyway, after being told about the babysitting thing when SIL goes into labour, mum decided to have a chat with bro about it. Apparently she is honest with him and tells him that they're upset that they weren't considered, especially over a mate up the road. She then makes the ultimate mistake by saying 'We'd hate to think this is you', of course implying then that it must all be SIL. Naturally bro is offended by this, goes home and tells SIL. Mum in the meantime goes home and gets over it reasonably quickly, thinking she's at least told him how she feels. Forward a couple of days and mum has a visit with them. SIL shuts herself away upstairs for the duration of the visit and won't come down. She has an essay to write and is still annoyed about what was said the other day. Mum returns home after the visit with bro and granddaughter and is hysterical. I get the hysterical phonecall when I have visitors, mum hangs up. Dad phones and says I have to call her because she's run off. I talk to mum whose taken it out on my other brother (twin of bro 1) who then storms off to sort things out (I find out later). I decide after this conversation to call bro and SIL to have a civil and calm conversation about how this was all getting out of hand and that they should all sit down in a room together to talk about how they all feel and try and sort something out or at least try to come to some agreement for the sake of the family relationship and the grandkids. However, by the time I get to the bit about how mum is borderline a nervous breakdown and the fact that she thinks SIL hates her is breaking her heart (I'm talking to my bro at the time), SIL (who apparently was listening in on speakerphone) went ballistic. So loud in fact that I couldn't understand much of what was said because it distorted in my ear (something along the lines of well I will hate her if she carries on with this pathetic/ridiculous behaviour). I then try and tell them that I'm just trying to have a calm and adult conversation about how we can resolve things and begin having a good conversation with bro (despite hisses and jibes in the background) when twin of bro knocks at their door. Obviously I can hear this. SIL opens the door as bro is talking to me, I hear other bro say something (a few words) then SIL goes uber mental at him screaming that she doesn't need this at 32 wks of pregnancy or something along those lines. Then apparently he just turns around and walks away at which point I'm hung up on so bro can try to sort things out. I later find out that this is all in front of granddaughter. So basically its now got to the point where things seem irreparable and I know it sounds awful but I've been the 'negotiator' for years now and I have my own family to worry about (hubby and one year old son). I so badly want to tell them all that I'm out and they can deal with it on their own, but the truth is, they're all so stubborn, they just won't. It'll just keep on escalating until someone has a breakdown or they move as far away from us all as possible. I'm really in a conundrum. I called bro and SIL up afterwards to see if everyone was okay and for the very first time, heard my bro break down crying before he hung up on me. He said he couldn't handle the stress. I quite understand too because I don't feel like I'm far behind. I'm already on pills for bi-polar while they try and understand my own mental issues and so is twin bro. He won't talk to anyone now. What on earth do I do?